He said I hope you take the rest of her too!!
You must be built backwards because your feet smell and your nose runs.
It's a fuckin rock.
it was very grounding
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
But no. I was charged $30 a pop.
"Add some jam on it," he continued
(Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
Father-in-Law: And do people actually adhere to it? Me: No, cuz they put it sticky side down.
Me: That's an odd word to get sick of.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
My mother-in-law and father-in-law are named Mary and Jeff. As we left their house last night on Christmas Eve, I hugged my mother-in-law and said "Merry Christmas", then hugged my father-in-law and said "Jeff Christmas".
As we are getting close to walking into the store we walk past three gentlemen standing outside and one of them is holding some lumber. My father in-law looks at them and says "Must be having an important board meeting, carry on gentlemen".
We died laughing.
So we're Swedish and this joke only works in Swedish (sorry). We went to buy some food, and the word liver has 2 meanings in Swedish ( lever - live and liver) So I said (pointing at the liver) Liver. He walk up to it and stares at it... And then he says nah looks pretty dead to me...
Sorry probably not so funny for you non sweeds..
We're supposed to go pick up a jeep in his truck and I wanted to make sure the trailer wiring was the same for his newer truck
https://i.imgur.com/KKMuKue.jpg
Just saw this comment he made on Facebook... http://i.imgur.com/I8k3ngT.jpg
It'll feel better when it stops hurting.
He was watching my son and then sent this.
And I looked at my food sighed heavily and put my face in my hands.
Him: "What's going on?"
Me: "There's just so much on my plate right now"
Then I asked for his daughters hand in marriage.
It was a yes!
Father-in-law gets out of the shower, says to my husband,"You're up!" I reply, "Asia!" :::crickets::: I add, "Oh, I thought we were just saying names of continents." The look of jealous contempt from my FIL was priceless.
He posted this on Facebook yesterday:
I noticed that when I stood I leaned slightly to the left. My wife insisted that I go to the doctor, against my will. He diagnosed my left leg slightly shorter than my right. Adding insoles to my shoe cured me. Debbie reminded me how I doubted her about going to the doctor. I replied, "I stand corrected."
So my wife is working on Genealogy stuff, and was asking her dad about some of his family history. After telling a few stories about some of his other uncles, he comes to his uncle Charles. "I was named after him, you know..." he tells us.
We look at him more than a bit incredulously, as his name is Michael.
He smiles and says "What? I sure as hell wasn't named BEFORE him..."
"It needs to be used before it goes bad."
Mr.Brotato responds: "Would you say it's no longer in....mint condition?"
My father-in-law is good at puns and dad jokes, and we usually just groan. However, the other day he and I had this exchange:
FIL: I'm disappointed in this sub.
Me: Would you say that it's sub par?
FIL: The lack of meatballs really torpedoed it.
Me: It would take a real hero to save it.
FIL: My buddy Hoagie, he could do it.
Me: yeah, he's a real grinder.
FIL and me: [fistbump]
Literally the first time he and I fistbumped. My wife and mother-in-law both facepalmed.
We told him to stay safe and make sure he didn't get bitten by a shark. He said "Nah, sharks won't bite me. Professional courtesy"
How do you get down off an elephant? You don't....you get down from a duck.
Father in law: Have you ever seen pine nuts?
Me: Yah why?
FIL: How did you get it to spread it's legs(snickers)
Me: Log splitter (drinks beer)
Doing a crossword with my father in law and mother in law. He told me that he completed The Times crossword (which is apparently one of the hardest crosswords) the other day all except one clue. Mother in law says "go on then darling tell me the clue I bet I'll work it out" He says the clue is "heavily laden postman" She says "how many letters" He says "hundreds and hundreds I should think" Dead
He texted my wife the following (my name's Hoss)
Do you know what that motion is called when Hoss walks his Harley backwards out of the garage without starting it?
Reverse Hossmosis! :D
When someone asks him if he got a haircut he responds "No, I got them all cut!"
My father in law hurt his foot last week. We asked him if it has healed yet.
"Oh, it is 'healed', but it is not well, yet"
The groans in the room were deafening.
My wife was telling her mom about a story she read online about a crazy boyfriend who cut his girlfriends young sons head off. Her mom freaks out and goes omg where? Dad responds right above the shoulders where else
While sitting on a gurney in the ER for chest pains (he's fine, just high blood pressure):
Doctor: So, what brought you here today? Father-in-law: The ambulance.
I don't know why he would do that. He's definitely going to need it still.
My wife: My friend broke her in ankle in 3 places! FIL: What places? She should stop going to those places.
Everyone else groaned but I laughed and congratulated him.
FIL, MIL, wife and I are in a car looking for a parking space, FIL driving. We're in a packed parking lot and he says to everyone, "look for a parking spot."
I point to a row of cars and say "there's a bunch right there!"
Wife says "none are empty, though."
I say "Yeah, but they're parking spots!"
FIL gave me the stink eye and sighed
The hospice nurse was asking mandatory questions of my Father-in-Law, terminal with cancer:
Nurse: Were you ever sexually abused as a child?
Father-in-Law: No, I was neglected.
Nurse: (surprised) Neglected?
Father-in-Law: No one ever loved me enough to give me any sexual abuse.
It's possible to laugh and cry at the same time. My Father-in-Law was legendary and laughed even in the face of death.
I asked if he wanted to help and he said Yeah for sure, but then I said "nah forget, you can just go shuck yourself". He was proud I married into the family.
My in-laws were over and playing with my son. My father-in-law put a small bucket on his head like a hat.
He looked at my son and asked, "Does this hat make me look pail?"
The law
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
