The country is out of common cents.
Experts say its the lack of fans.
... please hold while we turn our phones down.
And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.
Aware wolf.
"A? AA? AAA? AAAA!"
One Sunday morning, he started having a fever, headache and a cold so he decided to go to the hospital to have himself tested. After the test, he talked with the doctor who told him that he tested negative for Coronavirus - it was just Saturday night fever.
You probably shouldnt be holding the lit end
Deja moo
Apparently he was suffering from arrested development.
Champagne.
She came back with "Au bon pain?"
Post-Traumatic Stress Dishorder.
I'm fine, just a little shaken.
An expert in their field!
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorβs love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevorsβs degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevorβs front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnβt keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
βWellβ said Jeff, βAs Iβm sure you know the convention comes to town laterβ.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
βYes of courseβ replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit β‘Achoo, Brute!
When the friend finally got the location to run the shop he tried to get some experienced and dedicated employees. However, he soon realized that all the good employees for a gelato shop were already working at some nearby locations. So he had to deal with some mediocre people who didnβt care that much about gelatos. Then a day before the opening of the shop the person who was supposed to provide the materials for the gelatos called in as sick. Finally there were also some teenagers who decided to steal some of the decorations.
When the friend told this story the other friend then said,
#βMan, you have gelat of problems.β
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a β¬5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
I only know a whittle.
"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
He gave me some sage advice.
They were experiencing technical difvocalties...
Happy Ο day!
He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.
He then explains that heβs also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.
The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.
The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits until 12.00 and uses his stethoscope to listen to the thigh.
Sure enough, at 12.00 the Doctor hears the thigh say βHave you got 10 bucks. Can I borrow 10 bucks, I really need the moneyβ.
The Doctor doesnβt understand whatβs going on. Then the man says, at every quarter hour, my knee also asks for money. At 12.15, the Doctor listens to the mans knee through his stethoscope where he hears the knee say βHave you got 20 bucks. Can I borrow 20 bucks, I really need the moneyβ.
The Doctor is even more befuddled.
Then the man says, at every half hour, my ankle asks for money. At 12.30, the Doctor listens to the mans ankle through his stethoscope where he hears the ankle say βHave you got 50 bucks. Can I borrow 50 bucks, I really need the moneyβ.
The doctor tells the man he doesnβt know whatβs going on. Itβs something heβs never encountered before.
The Doctor asks the man to come back in a week where the Doctor will do some research in the interim.
A week later the man comes back and asks the Doctor if he has any news.
The Doctor says yes β heβd done some research into the problem and found that the mans leg was broke in 3 places
The tour would start "ride" on time
Doctor: On a scale from 1 to 10, how much pain are you experiencing?
Patient: Ο
Doctor: pi?
Patient: Low level, but never ending
It was an earthquake.
Friends and I are playing Mario Kart 64. Friends' dad comes in.
"Who wants icecream??"
All of us "Me me I do!"
"What flavors do you want?"
"Cookie dough!"
"Rock Road!"
"Strawberry!"
"Ok, I was just wondering."
They were experiencing tentacle difficulties
Are you experienced?
He's never gonna give you "Up"
Courtesy of my dad, of course
..and it hasn't arrived yet.
Boy, it's taking its sweet time getting here.
So tonight around closing time I was helping a middle aged man pick out a pair of jeans. I rung him up and told him the price, he looked at me and said "isn't everything half off today" and gave me this serious look. I let out a small fake laugh and said "No". He then laughed and said "I guess that one went right over your head!". I looked at him and let out another fake laugh. I had to resist telling him that I got the joke, but that it just wasn't funny...like at all.
I guess the air compressor market is experiencing a bit of inflation.....
Me: but what does this mean?
Dad: ok google, this
/Γ°Ιͺs/
pronoun
used to identify a specific person or thing close at hand or being indicated or experienced.
"is this your bag?"
Years ago, my Aunt Ann ate a couple of hot dogs at the county fair, and afterward experienced some... digestive difficulties. I declared it The Diarrhea of Ann's Franks.
......I guess I'm just experiencing Macguyver's guilt.
After examining me, he asked, "Have you ever experienced disc problems?"
I said, "Yeah, the CD wasn't playing in my car earlier."
Recently in my neck of the woods, we have been experiencing a cold snap. This morning, my wife set me up for a zinger.
Wife (dressing our 10 month old daughter): I don't know how to dress her.
Me: Shirt goes on the top half, pants on the bottom half.
Wife: No! I mean for the temperature!
Me: Oh! Honey I don't think the temperature cares what she wears today.
It experienced pier pressure.
Meteorology professor asked if anyone knew why earth was experiencing such extreme weather changes?
Me: Umm, because it's bipolar...
.....and I posted "Is it Valignant?".....which was then followed by the most downvotes I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Lesson learned: keep my puns to this subreddit only!
My dad at the doctor after experiencing a severe electric shock at work.
Doctor: Have you ever smoked?
Dad: No, doctor.
Doctor: I bet you did then.
"I'm experiencing packet loss"
^It's ^a ^networking ^term ^joke ^my ^friend ^dropped ^lastnight ^at ^maccas
Two co-workers were talking about a couple of Chinese restaurants that had "Wok" in their names. So I said, "I guess you could say that you're experiencing different Woks in life."
Assphyxiation taken from the great contribution of /u/brother_p in /r/Whatcouldgowrong .. here
edit: Though the experienced really wrecked him .. the cub lived to see another day.
I was practicing today and was experiencing some cramping in my hand
Me: "Man, Bach is really hurting my hand today" Father: "maybe you should Bach off, that should stop the pain!"
My reaction was a standard groan, and head shake...
EDIT: typos
Yesterday I was able to pull off my first dadjoke!
Someone in my evening class said "I'm tired" and without batting an eye I replied "Hi Tired, I'm Horst!" :)
So yeah, I'm in training - baby is due in december, so I am kind of in bootcamp right now. Any advice from the more experienced dadjokers? Good next step for me?
Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.
The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.
Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.
For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.
On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.
Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.
Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken
... keep reading on reddit β‘So, I was sitting in the family room with my girlfriend's family. She just got a new kitten today, so we're all pretty excited.
She just experienced a little running around spell before settling underneath a table.
When I asked what she was doing, my girlfriend chimed in with: "I think she had the runs!"
She immediately followed this up with asking everyone if we'd heard her joke and laughing aloud about it.
I'm pretty proud, despite the groans.
Played hearts for the first time yesterday with the girlfriend and another friend. We played a variant where the Jack of Diamonds was worth extra points. In the first round, I played the jack in one trick and inadvertently lost it to the more experienced player. "That is what happens if you play the jack too early," she said.
Me: "Premature Jack-ulation..."
Laughs/ groans.
There were about 5 or 6 cemeteries we went to.
Dad: "so you think after today we've experienced..."
Dad: ...
Dad: "...megadeth"
