End Game Puns

You ask for a wiimatch.

The credits

..I suggest you make do.

But, I don’t have the stones to do it

Me : ohh...um...you know... As a computer engineer I hate bugs.

Stark reality

Because all fans leave the stadium

with the last episode

"The picked off Cardinal base runner was in the Wong place at the Wong time."

They told me that recently they had come into ownership of a small ball of string. At first, they thought nothing of it. One day, they walked into their house and the ball of string was on the table, when they had specifically left it in a closet. They put it away again, but the next day when they came home from work, the ball was on the table again. It kept happening, and eventually it became a sort of game for my friend. They'd leave it somewhere they thought it could never come back from, and return to find it on their table.

Then it began to appear in other places.

It appeared in the middle of a company meeting. One moment, the table was empty, the next, it had a ball of string in the middle. While driving, they spotted it in the back of their car. They saw it inside of a vending machine. But at the end of every day it would return to their table.

Eventually, my friend decided enough was enough. They took the string, and threw it off a bridge into a river. As they were driving home, a car swerved and hit them, wrecking both cars. My friend staggered to check on the other driver, and all he found was a small pile of soggy string on the seat.

After that, he never saw the string again.

So after he told me this tale, I turned to him, and said, "Wow... that was quite a yarn."

Geek Yogurt

...I keep hearing him scream...Oberyn Oberyn over again...

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

"No, thanks. We'll pass."

Because he was searching for a higher porpoise!

…has already seen "Theranos, End Game"

(Less than a drop of blood was spilled)

Working on a little something. Give me your best and I will include you in the credits.

So far I only have: Coo Skywalker

Edit: thanks for all the replies! I will post game here soon, and pm those whose puns I end up using.

Careful this could have been an end game spoiler!

Everytime you finish a video game, it's an end(game) spoiler...

There was this guy on the pitch with a beanie on his head. He scored the first goal, a header.

"Great goal," I said.

"Yes," said my friend. "A great goal."

Another opportunity arose ten minutes later, and the same player jumped up, and scored another header. A terrific one.

"Wow, that was unstoppable," I told my friend.

"Yes, unbelievable. Unstoppable," he replied.

Towards the end of the game, the same player leapt up, scored another incredible header.

I turned to my friend, flabbergasted and said, "I think that thing on his head, it's giving him some sort of advantage. This entire game he hasn't missed a single header."

"What about it?" asked my friend.

I said. "He's got a hat, Rick."

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!

What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!

Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.

What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.

The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!

What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.

A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What animals are on legal documents? Seals!

Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.

Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Dockyard: A physician’s garden.

What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!

The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”

I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!

When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

So I was having dinner with my father attempting to describe to him a bad experience I had while playing a game of League of Legends with my boyfriend. The conversation went as follows. " SO yeah, I was Evelynn a champion who can go invisible and my boyfriend told me to go back door their nexus, which is to go attack it when the team isn't there to defend it's kinda a cheep tactic, but ended up not working. Sigh" I look up at him and he replied completely straight-faced "At least you can't get pregnant that way" Needless to say I blushed profusely.

We were watching the newest Hunger Games movie a couple of weekends ago. Throughout the film she was (very quietly) whispering interesting things that were in the books but not the film.

Mild Spoilers

There is a certain part where a character goes back for a cat.

End Mild Spoilers

She leans over and I think she was going to tell me another interesting things about the scene. She whispered a little louder than the other times, "You've gotta be kitten me right meow!"

You could hear the slight chuckle from the people in front of us and I had to stifle my laughter. I probably shouldn't find it that funny, but I love good timing and a corny joke.

I'm proud of this one...

My family was visiting friends for a night of Monopoly. We ended a game and were setting up for another when I got up to get a beer for myself and my buddy. We prefer Dos, which doesn't twist off, so I had to use a bottle opener. Enter my 9 year old . . .

"Dad, why don't you use your bare hands to open that bottle?"

He looked up at me with eyes that sought answers and basic truths, not knowing what was about to hit him. I almost felt bad, while trying to hold back a smile, knowing what I was about to say.

"Because I don't have bear hands", followed by the most dad-like laughter possible.

My brother is always playing games on his laptop. This annoys my Mum to no end.

As Mum was about to cook dinner:

   

Mum: I'm going to give [brother] the cold shoulder.

Me without missing a beat: But that's the best part of the ham!

   

Groan.

A friend and I were lamenting how we're both broke at the end of this month. She, a girl with many allergies, ran out of Kleenex (tissue paper) and began using her last toilet paper roll to blow her nose.

"Now, the game begins," she said.

I replied, "Is it perhaps... a race to the bottom?"

My son had his end of the year art project inside a large cardboard sleeve with handles on it. He had carefully scrawled with magic marker in big block letters:

PORTFOLO

I said, "Well, I guess the fun and games are over!"

He looked puzzled, and asked "why?"

I pointed at his portfolio - "someone has lost an I"

My family was playing a board game and I won one of the first rounds we played. Towards the end I said, "I should have just quit while I was ahead." My dad tells me, "Well now you have a body."

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

...And one of the player's name is "Miskin" (Polish setter for Jasztrebski-Wegiel, a very well known club in Poland and Europe). Us being Indonesian, the word "miskin" means "poor" as in not having money.

So during the whole game my dad would say stuff like:

• "How come does he play in a prestigious club and still end up being poor?"

• "Maybe if he gets his paycheck they will finally write "Rich" ("Kaya" in Indonesian) on his jersey."

And other phrases I managed to forget.

When he says them, my mom who isn't watching, would stop whatever she was doing to raise her head to stare into the emptiness and shake her head.

End game oilers