My clothes were having a competition to decide which one is the coolest
I asked my Dad why he decided to buy a boat?
He said "There was a sail."
Hades decided if he was going bald, there would be hell toupee.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Who's the genius that decided to call it "Emotional baggage ".....
.....and not "griefcase."
My next door neighbor and I are very good friends, so we decided to share our water supply, because..
I live next to the rubbish dump and have a huge fly problem, the bloody things are everywhere. It's gotten so bad I've decided to sell my house and move...
I decided to make a custard last night, and it was awesome!
I love it when a flan comes together.
I was really mad when our local pub decided to hang all their dartboards from the ceiling.
It really makes me want to throw up.
Despite the popular saying, i decided to put all my eggs in one basket..
.. I just felt silly walking around in the supermarket.
I was going to make a joke about Bill Gates Divorce but I decided not to..
Deciding what to study in college
As a family we couldn't decide whether to have our grandma buried or cremated ...
A coupla guys walking their dogs decide they want a beer.
But the bar disallows dogs. The one guy says “watch this.” He approaches the bouncer and says with his leashed German Shepard “ this is my seeing eye dog.” He gets in. Second guy tries the same. “This is my seeing eye dog.” The bouncer says, “that’s no seeing eye dog, that’s a chihuahua!” To which the man replies “ they gave me a chihuahua!?!?!?!”
I decided to sell my vacuum...
It was only collecting dust.
When I was young I decided to become an archeologist.
Now my career is in ruins.
David Schwimmer of Friends once had an opportunity to try out for the Olympics but decided against it.
He didn’t want to be an Olympic Schwimmer.
A baseball player was shopping at the dairy while in a bad mood. He'd played in a home run derby yesterday; though he got more runs than anyone else, another player was awarded the trophy. While in line at the register, the lady in front of him was short on cash. He decided to do a good deed, so...
The bitter, better-batter bought her butter!
Why did Superman decide to wrap Lex Luthor in aluminium rather than taking him to jail?
Because then he could truly foil his plans.
The oven temperature was having fun getting high so the cookies decided to join in
Did you hear about the company that decided to produce those Halloween-themed mints?
They said it's a scare tictac
As a patriot, I have decided to buy my next Honda directly from Japan and pay the necessary tariffs.
It will...be my Civic duty.
So I've decided to start a new company that sells fans
One day, Anne decided to create some pencil and paper art. So she grabbed some of her chopped Terra Cotta and decided to create her art at a comedy club. There,
I decided to add a water fixture to my back yard...
I decided I do not want any children
If anybody wants one, I can drop her off tomorrow.
My wife and I have decided that we don't want children
And if anyone does we can drop them off at the weekend
Hitler was reborn and decides to open a restaurant for young audiences.
It's his cool n' aryan future!
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
Decided to plant mums this year.
I decided to stop walking under billboards after one collapsed on top of me.
I took it as a sign from above.
Who decided to shorten this years Pi Day by an hour?
This was a very irrational decision
I ended things with my communist girlfriend.
I’ve decided to open a museum dedicated to bracelets that happen to be magnetic.
Hopefully it will be a big two-wrist attraction.
So with the new iPhone 13’s coming out this year they decided to change the charger name
It’s now called Apple Juice
Why did the meat cutter decide against a career in stand-up comedy?
He was afraid he would butcher all the jokes.
Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...
Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named
It is so hot in my city that I decided to meet my ex
She gave me a cold shoulder.
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
I've decided to switch careers to study modern female rappers.
I think my parents will be so proud when they learn I'm a Cardi-B-ologist.
this year, i have decided to type everything in lower case letters.
i have stopped giving a shift.
The wife and I have decided we don’t want kids
They’re not taking it very well
Walking around the mall with my daughter and we decided to go down a level. She expressed disappointment the elevator was broken,
I told her, " The escalator is just like an elevator but with extra steps."
My wife and I decided to get matching ink on vacation, so I got a tat
I decided I want to do some more exercise after listening to Queen.
I want to ride my bicycle.
When I was young I decided to become an archeologist.
Now my career is in ruins.
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