Dustin Hoffman gets chosen for a role of playing an much older Joaquin Phoenix.

In one particular scene he’s strolling down a busy street in NYC and a taxi almost hits him. He slams the hood of the taxi and yells

Hey I’m Joaquin here!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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My son has chosen the Pillsbury Doughboy to emulate...

I'm proud he chose a good roll model.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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What were the odds in 1957 of being the exact stray dog chosen to be the first living thing in space?

Laika million to one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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I finally was chosen to picked toppings for the hot dogs!

I relished the opportunity!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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On our imaginary trip to Maui, my boy and I both stubbed our toes at the same. We were the chosen ones because we were gifted...

The Hurt of two feetie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simmsnation
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?

It was a ball hogger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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You were the chosen one!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteChickenYT
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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I'm devastated that my son has chosen a career in finance rather than taking over the family wheat farm.

He's going against the grain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthearistocrat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
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If Heisenberg had chosen to become a comedian...

he could have been the one who knock knocks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rawrlix
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
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I was chosen to be the judge for our office's necktie competition, but it was a really hard decision.

It ended up a tie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yerboiboba
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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Belle shouldn't have chosen the Beast. The other guy was a much better cook.

He had experience in molecular Gastonomy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marimbawe
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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Spice Puns

I'm looking to make puns for all my spice jars. Can you help fill in some of the blanks, or have any better suggestions for the ones I've already chosen?

https://preview.redd.it/zkfdnp3tas071.png?width=468&format=png&auto=webp&s=b99b69e8e6b308a8982ac99b967043c08b7cca52

https://preview.redd.it/ibq7m8opas071.png?width=468&format=png&auto=webp&s=7216c8349e46144c13a069c4f3bed59c078d39aa

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_danicat
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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Where do Sith Lords go shopping?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elektrodinosaur
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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I'm preparing to teach my son the alphabet.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ncsuandrew12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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Three musicians were arrested

They were violion people

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Yoda didn’t know what time it was. He explained...

β€œNot on, my watch.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unfussed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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Spotted in the wild today
πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joes_Step_Mama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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My mom said this unknowingly but it still counts

So I was complaining about where I am in life and the path I have chosen she said

"Don't try to blame someone else for the road your on ....its your own asphalt"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oilspilpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Four-year-old son unknowingly got me with this one

Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today.

Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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Dad joked a 3 year old, got Dad joked back.

It's Dinner time-

3y.o.: "Papa you spoon." ( which translates to - please feed me).

Me: "You spoon, I'm busy forking."

3y.o.: "Papa, fork yourself."

edit- Thank you for all the love. Forgot to mention the 3y.o. in question is a she.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/F0dd3r
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2014
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My favorite Queen song imgur.com/Ycxla9A
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dizchord
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2015
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I've designed a tea brand aimed at Jewish Men

Hebrews

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flumpf_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
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Just tried to dad joke my boss. Went over his head.

He's complaining about all this costly work his minivan needs including some $1,700 exhaust work...

Me: Yeah, I hear you, maintaining vehicles can be exhausting...

Couldn't wipe the shit eating grin off my face as he kept talking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HerrHoopla
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2017
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My dad goes to Mexican restaurants and shakes the empty chip container like a peddling homeless man and says : "Chips for the poor favor"

He does it to this day and laughs every time, my sister and mother have chosen to start ignoring that type of behavior which makes it funnier to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_var_log_messages
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
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[meta] Welcome to our new moderators!

I don’t know if I missed a post announcing them or something, but I noticed the new mods were chosen for this sub and added! I would like to say welcome from all of us at r/dadjokes to u/ phreephorm u/anarousedcatfish u/cutek9 u/yayoletsgo u/suitinguncle620 and u/blank-cheque Welcome to the team and we look forward to having y’all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mopfloor1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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Proudest day as a dad

My 6 year old son came up to me tonight and asked, "What are you holding under there?" I ask, "Under where?"

He walks away, laughing his ass off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KhabaLox
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
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Did you hear the story of how Canada was named?

Many years ago, all the elders came together to name their wonderful country. The elders argued for many days, and could not come to an agreement on the name. One brilliant elder came up with a great idea, they would put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat, pull them out, one at a time, and that's what the name of their new country would be.

Of course, the elder who came up with the idea was chosen to pull the letters out of the hat. Elder: C, eh. N, eh. D, eh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reefay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
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[Request] Tubas and Classic Rock

Every year for the past few years, I’ve written music for a tuba ensemble for a summer band camp. Last year’s music was titled β€œTubaChristmas in July,” which had β€œHallelujah” by Pentatonix, β€œCarol of the Bells,” β€œYou’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and β€œHave Yourself a Merry TubaChristmas.” This year I’m about 90% sure we’re doing rock/classic rock. So far I have β€œBohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, β€œPaint It, Black” by The Rolling Stones, β€œLivin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, β€œDon’t Stop Believin’” by Journey, and some fifth song I haven’t chosen yet (BTW I’m open to song ideas).

I need a pun that mixes Tuba with Rock or with Classic Rock. Similar to how TubaChristmas in July doesn’t include song names, but you know it’s Christmas music on tubas.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Leo_1110
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Sleep? It's all about preparation.

Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. "It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then......."

Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted "OK! Do it! Let's get it!"

He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited.

Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it,

"It looks nothing like me!" He shouted.

He turned to me and winked "totally worth it" he grinned at me.

..............…

I was confused.

................

He said "when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all".

Yeah... Nice one dad........

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smegmagma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
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How would you like to make my dad’s day, r/dadjokes?

So my dad’s recently been diagnosed with cancer and is now beginning chemo. As a result, he’s gonna have a lot of downtime on his hands. So to cheer him up we’ve (my brother-in-law and I) bought 2 folder-style disc cases that can hold up to 10 movies. We want to fill them with the most dad-joke filled, so bad they’re good, absolute cheesy movies out there. This is where r/dadjokes comes in. The two best lists of 10 movies will be chosen to put in the two cases. Help us r/dadjokes. You’re our only hope.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Periwinklerene
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
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I made some shoes out of paper.

Had I chosen sandpaper instead, it would have given a new meaning to the term "sandal"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManMan36
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2017
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[Serious] Thank you /r/dadjokes community!

Throwaway since I could be identified if someone tried hard enough.

My father is currently partaking in a long and grueling pilgrimage of over 300 miles on the Notre Dame Trail. The organizers suggested family members write letters to encourage and motivate the pilgrims.

I have chosen to borrow some amazing content from /r/dadjokes to text to my father on a daily basis. He loves to make bad jokes and is often seen laughing at his own puns. He said he tells the jokes to the group every day when they've finished walking and they always get a chuckle from the crowd.

So sincerely, thank you and keep up the good work!

My mother has also joined him for the final 3 days so if anyone has some good, clean mom related dad jokes, feel free to share them with me!

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
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My brother is ready to be a dad.

My sister was telling us about how she has to do a project about serial killers for her forensics class. She said that one of her classmates had chosen one who dressed up like a clown.

My brother says "Oh yea, I think they made a movie about that... What was IT called again?"

I couldn't help but laugh my ass off with him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneSkinnyBastard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2016
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A band director got fired...

So he opened a towing company called StuckAuto. It was successful and he made 3/4 times the money which allowed him to retire and focus on his passion for martial arts.

He founded a new style based on starting slow and building up known as Crush en Do. This style gained fame when it was found to be the chosen style of a terrorist group operating out of our Nations Capitol known as the D.C. Al Coda.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rannak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2015
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Dadjoked a group email at work

My team's supervisor sent out an email to our group asking if anyone was getting a "beg" message from a particular application. So I replied all, "The program has not chosen to give me that message. So I guess beggars can be choosers."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PKMKII
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2014
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