What did chewy spray on his best friend after he climbed out of the trash compactor?

Han sanitizer

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, β€œhere is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, β€œare you a vet?”

He said, β€œvet? I’m fucking soaking”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rohanlahiri05
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.

I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kordesii2358
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My life peaked when I finally climbed Mt. Everest

But it's all been downhill from there.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sleepy_Titan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Wanna hear a story of how my Himalayan friend and I climbed Mt Everest?

I actually made it up.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-taco-rice-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the recent electrifying news about a drunken idiot who climbed a power pole and got the crap shocked out of him?

It's good to keep up on current events.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A boy climbed up onto his Dad's shoulders and started reciting numbers "1... 2... 3..." His father said "Hey! What are you doing? Get off of there..."

His son replied "Dad - don't let me down. I'm counting on you."

πŸ‘︎ 469
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flumanchu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m suspicious of my friend’s story about how he climbed Mount Everest.

In the end, I’m not sure whether he made it up.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I climbed the ladder and fell at top, neatly coming to rest on my donkey!

I fell on my ass!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
This morning I climbed up to the beehive in my yard and used putty to block the exit.

It was unbeeleavable

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haymalb
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My son asked why i climbed above the constitution

I said that I wanted to be above the law

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JJBoiOfDaWorld
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a rabbi that climbed to the top of Mount Everest?

Mountain Jew

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HomagawdUleh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, my boy climbed up on top of our car.

'Look dad, I'm a son-roof!'

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who climbed mountains in north pole and south pole?

He was bi-polar.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pursuitofstumble
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Our kids climbed on horses behind us

on the merry-go-round. Before the ride started, they began bickering.

I spun on my horse, pointed my finger at the kids and said in a very loud voice.

"Don't make me turn this carousel around!"

They got quiet. Actually, everyone got quiet.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/psgrue
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Directions for climbing a ladder

Step one Step two Step three Etc.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cabbithunt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad: Why did the elephant climb the maple tree?

Daughter: (Studiously ignores him).

Dad: To eat some cherries.

Daughter: (Not looking up from her phone). Maple trees don't have cherries, Dad.

Dad: He brought his own.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RipKipley
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Was driving by the prison the other night when I saw a midget climbing down from a window.

I said to myself, that’s a little condescending

πŸ‘︎ 118
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awag80
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was really scared when I got lost climbing some mountains recently, but I found a map, a topographical map...

It was a relief map.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/widowwarmer1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I got so tired while climbing a tall mountain in Nepal.

I did not think I would Everest.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Climbing through my window on the first floor was easy. But if it was the second floor,

That'd be a different story all together.

πŸ‘︎ 298
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retro_Lancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s white and can’t climb trees?

A fridge

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faithy87
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My cat kept trying to climb my Christmas tree so I put aluminum around the base of the tree.

Her plans have been foiled.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself, β€œThat’s a little condescending.”

πŸ‘︎ 321
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the peeping tom climb mountains?

Because he always peaked.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rabid_Badger_83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend said mountain climbing would be fun

I’m inclined to agree

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skryf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried climbing a fence today,

I was shocked to find out it was an electric fence

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jxryd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
i started taking lessons on rock climbing

Hopefully soon i get the hang of it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobby criminal climbing down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cokedupbunny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My mountain-climbing trips are very well planned

I’m always on top of things

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Dragonborn climb all the way to High Hrothgar?

He wanted to know what all the Fus was all about.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Viral_Idiot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken climb on top of the house?

...because it wanted to be a ROOFster.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wonderflex
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Rock climbing isn't for me

I just can't get the hang of it. Maybe if I was a little boulder.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronHusker88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked me what it's like to climb Mt. Everest

I summit up for him

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soulfox1988
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does snow fall? (Courtesy of my dad)

It does not know how to climb down.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jojkojidebakl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the rock-wall place but my debit card was declined, so I had to pay with the coins in my car’s center console.

It was my climb-it change.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarterLawler
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Climbing a mountain is great

But it's all downhill from there

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thromadon
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend wore a negligee as she went climbing the cliff...

It was sheer.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.

She asked how warm is it inside. I replied Lukewarm.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakeisbill
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2018
🚨︎ report
He's climbing the company ladder
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Its_eeasy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
So the travel agency said I could climb Mt. Everest and it would only cost $100,000.

I said no thanks, that's a bit too steep.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flazdude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Working at a climbing gym has its perks
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginganinja709
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a midget climbing down the prison wall the other day

It was a little condescending

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CharlieFoxtrot432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall today...

I thought that was a little condescending

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Theguy617
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

Thought to myself, β€œthat’s a little condescending”.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/giacal3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joeispunk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I just saw a dwarf climbing down the wall of a prison.

I thought to myself... β€œthat’s a little condescending”.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CanioEire
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you here about the dwarf climbing over the wall to escape prison?

He fell!

It was a little condescending.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Othon1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall...

...I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A German tourist jumped off to the freezing water to save my precious dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out he said, "Here is ze dog, dry him off and he vill be fine." I said, "Are you a vet?" To which he replied, annoyed; "Vet? I'm fucking zoaking."

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/im_not_geih
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall

I thought to myself, β€œnow that’s a little condescending”

πŸ‘︎ 365
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/camilodmoreno
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report

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