My son recently got casted as a sheep in a play but was nervous about forgetting his lines

I said "Son you're just feeling sheepish"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/liverpool135
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to get my face casted a month in advance so I could be put on display in a wax museum.

I think I was getting ahead of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theamiabledude
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
🚨︎ report
An internet wizard casted a spell on me

It was a gif and a curse.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/taidg
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2017
🚨︎ report
What is a necromancer's favourite word to use to cast a spell?

"Abracadaver!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
When Chris Hemsworth was cast by Marvel they gave him an exercise routine. When asked what he thought of it, he responded

I was Thor just thinking about it.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oppy1984
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
1 of the 2 women in my office has cast a spell on me...

I don't know which one is witch ?

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"

"You just follow the instructions."

"Which instructions?"

"Yeah, they're the ones."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLaffGaff
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and I went fishing. He cast out first and got a bite. So he reeled in a trumpet. Then he cast out in a different area, got a bite and reeled in a clarinet.

After he cast out the third time, I said "maybe you'll reel in a bass soon!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the witch wear latex gloves when she cast a spell?

She wanted to practice safe hex.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My son told me he made the cast for the Thanksgiving play this year!

He's the lead roll.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to draw the child cast of the film ET.

I drewdrewbarrymoremoreandmore though.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ellandess
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do we tell actors to β€œbreak a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

πŸ‘︎ 139
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kattykat21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you seen who they have cast in the new film "The Blind Batman"?

Christian Braille.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HallLAD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
So, 3 nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter....

St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven."

He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?"

The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden".

St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?"

The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve."

"Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"

The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one".

"Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/atheistmil
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard they want to find a new actor to play Iron Man

Guess they'll need to cast someone.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/abhishekms89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Working on a crossword puzzle. Can anyone tell me the first initial and last name of the lead actor from Cast Away?

Thanks.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spongebue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a job as a bullet...

I was fired immediately.

πŸ‘︎ 134
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LmaosaurusRex
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?

It had to wear a pod cast.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HanlonRazor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the boar rejected for the casting role?

He was too hammy

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Local TV weatherman breaks all of his limbs but insists on coming in to work...

...tune in at 11, to see his four-casts.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s a pity they didn’t cast Ryan Reynolds as Jay Gatsby,

since he’s both Green Lantern and Deadpool

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joespofforth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the cast of a spelling bee?

bee-witched

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/countryboyathome
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
The ultimate dad joke a Hollywood could pull would be casting Ryan Gosling as Goose’s son in Top Gun 2.
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Conan-doodle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A Casting Couch
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sykes92
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Took my son fishing yesterday and there was a dolphin. When I cast out my bait he asked "are you trying to catch him?"

Me; "Not on porpoise"

He laughed 12 year old girl next to us cringed and said "porpoise... really?" Joke had desired effect.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shootinstraight88
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m surprised they didn’t cast Ryan Reynolds as Jay Gatsby given all his experience.

He already played Green Lantern AND Deadpool

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snake_lamp
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
It's important to lose closely at lawn signs during election campaigns....

Last time I cast my vote for a real estate agent.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cumsock17
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new sitcom reboot with an all Hispanic cast?

The Juander Years

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/w00tah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the movie about the bad fishermen?

It was good, but they had a bad cast

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/borknight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
People get really upset when I run up to them in the street, and try to make plaster casts of their faces.

At least that’s the impression I get.

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Student with a cast on his arm walks in to class and says β€œI can’t write with my right hand today.”

I ask, can you left with your left hand?

Many students gave me props for the dad joke. One student said I sound like their dad. While I have no kids of my own, I’m glad I get to practice my dad jokes on my students.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chrono116
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Witches don’t fart

They cast smells

πŸ‘︎ 125
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bannapants67
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures that you end up in the cast.
πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xddz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
When I woke up from a car accident in a full body cast my wife was right there at my side

To let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NHl20-Fan
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do we say break a leg in the theatre?

Its because everyone in the play is in a cast

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/akien0222
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do they say β€œbreak a leg” in theatre?

Because every play has a cast

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MangoAway17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
why do we tell actors to break a leg?

because every play has a cast!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBreadLol
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do they tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyC5184
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: I think your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast and you’ll recover.

Dad: That’s great. But I don’t see how being in a movie would help.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
People don’t approve when I run up to them on the street and try making a plaster cast of their faces.

At least that’s the impression that I get.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.