π︎ 17
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︎ Sep 28 2018
What do you say to warn your family you're about to test a new dad joke on them?
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︎ Mar 11 2021
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Feb 13 2021
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Don't you dare CONSOLE my family
π︎ 290
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︎ Mar 10 2021
I know a family of Artists but I am not sure how they make so much Money
π︎ 430
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︎ Feb 16 2021
Our family's legacy
When my great granddad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my granddad, who then gave it to my dad, and one day, it will be mine.
It's our family hair loom. :D
π︎ 60
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︎ Mar 14 2021
My doctor asked me if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness?
I said "NO, We all seem to enjoy it. "
π︎ 39
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︎ Mar 16 2021
We took a family vacation to Alaska. When we landed, dad asked:
Did Juneau weβre in the capitol city?
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 19 2021
My mother told me she was abandoning the family to go across the world and study yoga. I had only one thing to say to her:
π︎ 31
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︎ Mar 15 2021
My parents were upset when I told them I wouldn't be taking over the family bakery.
That's just not how I roll.
π︎ 11
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︎ Feb 28 2021
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.
The dispatcher replied, βSo... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?β
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︎ Mar 13 2021
Our family dog used to chase people riding bikes
It got so bad in the end, we had to take the bikes off him.
π︎ 29
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︎ Mar 07 2021
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
π︎ 167
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︎ Jan 29 2021
The life of a Family Photographer isn't for me.
Every Day I shoot people, I frame them, and hang them
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 10 2021
Juan's friends and family always tell him how to live his life, but he's been doing some solitary soul searching
Because it takes Juan to know Juan
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 25 2021
After a Viagra salesman died from the effects of the drug, the company gifted his family a casket of a new, high-end material.
They call it mourning wood.
π︎ 22
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︎ Feb 15 2021
My family didn't have the appetite for my dessert puns. Please to enjoy!
Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke itβs leg?
Gingersnap
Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookiesβ drawings?
Snickerdoodle
Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakeryβs reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?
Shortbread
Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?
Angel food
Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?
Peach cobbler
Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?
Baked Alaska
Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?
German chocolate
Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?
Lemon bars
Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?
Fondant
Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?
Sherbet
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 03 2021
I made Himalayan rabbit stew for supper tonight for my family
I found Himalayan on the side of the road on my way home
π︎ 26
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︎ Feb 10 2021
Downloaded film Titanic for the family to watch this evening. Annoyingly Video and Sound has come across in separate files.
π︎ 37
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︎ Jan 29 2021
I had a go at making soup for the family tonight
I had some great feedback, the kids even said it was souper good!
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 19 2021
When a light goes out, it's best to call the whole family.
Because many hands make light work.
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 03 2021
I lost the family thesaurus...
...I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was.
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 25 2021
Snowman family be chilling out here.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 02 2021
Playing βtagβ in the Addams Family must be very confusing if your cousinβs there...
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 17 2021
What did Sean Connery say when his family praised the soup he made from his favorite vegetable?
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 04 2021
My family suffers from chronic diarrhea
π︎ 88
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︎ Dec 31 2020
A family vacation is when you go away with people....
....you need to get away from.
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 07 2021
I was the only one in the family who believed in my brother to become a ninja, so when my dad said βhe will never make itβ
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 07 2021
I was sitting at a red light with my family, and I said "Look, son! A super hero!"
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 05 2021
Lunar new year in Vietnam is celebrated with lion dances, dragon dances, fireworks, family gatherings and meals, ancestor worship, and giving red envelopes to children and the elderly.
Thank you for coming to my TαΊΏt talk.
π︎ 9
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︎ Feb 06 2021
A guy walks into a bar and is surprised to see his family doctor there
A guy walks into a bar and is surprised to see his family doctor there, so he walks over to join him. "What a coincidence!" the guy says. "I was just saying earlier today that I really needed a doctor's appointment." The doctor pulls up his calendar on his phone and says, "Well, how about 10 tomorrow?" "No," the guy replies. "I don't need that many."
π︎ 82
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︎ Jan 16 2021
After running it for nearly 30 years, my dad just sold our family owned Jewish deli.
I can't believe he gave up the lox, stocks and barrel.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 10 2021
Family is a relative term
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Today I finally told my family about my hot dog addiction
It was really hard but I managed to mustard all the courage to do so
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 22 2020
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 11 2020
I just found out one of my family members is addicted to Viagra
Itβs been pretty hard times.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 14 2021
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Sep 28 2020
I wish my family wouldn't make such a big deal over not picking up dropped ice cubes.
It's just water under the fridge.
π︎ 52
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I was showing our new car to our family. And my daughter asked "Cargo space ? "
π︎ 12
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︎ Jan 17 2021
The family wanted to visit some caverns.
I didnβt want to go, but eventually I caved.
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Why is Sean Conneryβs family so close-knit?
Because they share a special Bond.
π︎ 27
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︎ Jan 12 2021
I donβt know whatβs wrong with my family.
They havenβt spoken to me all year!
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Cory Booker must have a hidden family somewhere...
... If he's out there using dadjokes like this: https://i.imgur.com/R6WrI5t.jpg
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 21 2021
I looked up my family tree.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 04 2021
My wife accused me of hating her family
I told her, "your mother-in-law is way better than mine!"
π︎ 345
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︎ Mar 10 2021
My doctor asked me if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness?
I said, "NO, We all seem to enjoy it."
π︎ 70
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︎ Jan 18 2021
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