A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
Doctor to patient do you smoke?

Patient: yes.

Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?

Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor arrested for theft. He checked the purse of his patient.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient....

he said, ''I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.''

''In that case,'' said the patient, ''I'll come back when you're sober''

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Who is the most patient musician?

Tom Waits

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/levainletlive
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
A surgeon told me a story about how he dropped a tool into a patients stomach once.

It was gut wrenching.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourlife602
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
POV you're a vet trying to arrange a date with a patient

Vet: "are you picking up what I'm putting down"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call medical professionals who don't feed their patients after an overnight stay in the hospital?

Doctors without boarders.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
So a doctor walks into a patient's room

He says I had to remove your stomach

The patient asks why

He replied man you don't have a stomach for jokes

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brushebrush
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the paramedic say to the patient who needed to vent?

ICU later.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dr_gaia
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Joe sure is patient when it comes to waiting for the results of the election

All I hear is Joe Biden his time till the results are finalized!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalmingVisionary
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A doctor told a patient that his body has run out of magnesium.

0mg

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/singh_j
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife thanked me for being patient

I replied, "What else would I be? The doctor?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/damnleafer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctors say some effects of COVID-19 may follow patients for life.

You could say it's a choronic disease.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kngfbng
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Patient in hospital bed shouts to the doctor. Doctor Doctor I cant feel my legs!

I know that the doctor said; We have amputated your arms....

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?

Drycoughsky

πŸ‘︎ 382
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kushkrusade
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Survey found doctors aren't always honest with their patients. I could have told you that

They always seem to keep a skeleton in their closet

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Nurse: A patient named Stephen has come into the hospital with acidosis (meaning their blood has become too acidic)

Doctor: Stephen with a "ph"?

Nurse: Yes, a low one.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do vampires and COVID patients have in common?

Coffin

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ViewlessFrog768
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife screens patients for breast cancer

What a great boob job.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My patient wanted his bedding fixed, and when I did, I found remainders of his lunch.

Turns out, he was resting in peas.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarisaberry
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Making my morning rounds in hospital when I ask a patient how his breakfast was. "The eggs and sausage were fine, but the Kentucky Jelly was awful," he replied. "What 'Kentucky Jelly'?" I ask.

Then he shows me the empty packet of KY Jelly had smeared all over his morning toast.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a doctor that’s afraid of talking to patients?
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lemiller96
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How does an Optometrist in Australia greet his patients?

Good eye, mate

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jtnels0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

πŸ‘︎ 255
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Patient: Is it okay to have kids after 35?

Doctor: I think 35 kids is enough, don’t you?

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twistyturtles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Thanks for patient.
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yadavsandip32
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the man book an appointment with the doctor who said she only accepts patients with personal gifts?

He was asimptomatic.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sinnoh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.

The doctor said: β€œI can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Light_bulbnz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists have noticed that patients who have the cold feel better on Saturdays and Sundays.

It’s the weekend immune system.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a simp doctor treats his patients?

With sympathy

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ronty17
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A patient bursts into his therapist's office and shouts, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I'm trapped in a deck of cards!"

The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The sign in the hospital parking garage said Patient Discharge.

That explained the stains next to it.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamREBELoe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the worst thing to say to a COVID-19 patient?

Stay positive.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sssstephanman44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Patient: I'm afraid of the vertical Axis.

Therapist: Why ?

Patient: Yes!

πŸ‘︎ 196
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SiberCrash
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital

It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RavenxMiyagi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Patients is a virtue

but for doctors they're an asset

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alittlem
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Desperate patients resorting to DIY dentistry during lockdown

Brace yourself

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DLF6
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the French psychiatrist say to the patient?

Le down

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jspittman
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œI am irrationally terrified of letters,” my patient told me.

β€œAre you?” I asked. My patent screamed. β€œOhh, I see,” I said. He screamed even louder.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aleccV
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 348
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.

The doctor says: β€œI can tell right away that you’re not eating right”

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Light_bulbnz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report

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