"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?
Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.
Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.
They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.
After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.
So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.
he said, ''I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.''
''In that case,'' said the patient, ''I'll come back when you're sober''
It was gut wrenching.
Vet: "are you picking up what I'm putting down"
He really gets a kick out of it.
Doctors without boarders.
He says I had to remove your stomach
The patient asks why
He replied man you don't have a stomach for jokes
All I hear is Joe Biden his time till the results are finalized!
I replied, "What else would I be? The doctor?"
You could say it's a choronic disease.
I know that the doctor said; We have amputated your arms....
They always seem to keep a skeleton in their closet
Doctor: Stephen with a "ph"?
Nurse: Yes, a low one.
What a great boob job.
Turns out, he was resting in peas.
Then he shows me the empty packet of KY Jelly had smeared all over his morning toast.
Good eye, mate
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Doctor: I think 35 kids is enough, don’t you?
He was asimptomatic.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
It’s the weekend immune system.
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
That explained the stains next to it.
Therapist: Why ?
It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job
“Are you?” I asked. My patent screamed. “Ohh, I see,” I said. He screamed even louder.
He really gets a kick out of it.