I found out why nurses carry red crayons -

In case they have to draw blood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17
🚨︎ report
Nurse this!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/00eleven
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
🚨︎ report
Want to know why nurses like red crayons

Sometimes they have to draw blood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucianoMercuri__
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
The nurse just told me that they can no longer perform the transplant.

My surgeon wanted to tell me, but he didn't have the heart.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOriginalGPS
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
My Dad has always been a Fabrication head at a lift company and my mum is a retired nurse..

According to him, their first date was "A Casual tea"..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PILEoSHEET
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
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An angry Air Force Registered Nurse is mad AF RN.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
The USA have Lemsip, while the Russians have night nurse

It’s the Cold War.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrNacho410
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
The nurse kept insisting my blood was Type-A

I said "NO! IT MUST BE A TYPE-O"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
A soldier walked into a hospital and a nurse asked him why he was in the hospital.

He replied, "I thought the front lines were here."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/donut_pickle
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
An acronym walked into a blood-bank and asked to get his blood-type checked. Nurse said...

No need. You're a Type-o.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HarabharaKabab_12
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
During my first ultrasound, the nurse pulled out the device that goes inside, and put a condom on it.

My kid's dad says, "Oh, so that's how you keep from coming here."

Actual, horribly painful dad joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snarktopus420
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
Hello Nurse, I have an appointment with doctor ...

Nurse - Which Doctor?

Me - No, just a regular medical one...

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chanderjeet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
Why do nurses need red crayons?

Because sometimes they have to draw blood.

πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caraknowsbest
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
🚨︎ report
I took my 1 year old to the ER with the flu. As the nurse was taking her temperature rectally with the thermometer in the butt, he sympathized with her misery by saying β€œI know, it stinks.”

To which I responded β€œIt certainly will when you take it out.” I accepted the long awkward silence that followed as thunderous applause.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Khoalb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
I finally found out why Nurses Cary red crayons

Incase they have to Draw blood.

πŸ‘︎ 265
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hawkeyesfan03
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Nurse: I'm going to deliver the baby

Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyeonosphere
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
🚨︎ report
Why are red crayons a nurse’s favorite?

Because sometimes, they have to draw blood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pumasbutthole
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
🚨︎ report
My wife is a nurse and was telling me about the guidelines they're following...

My only comment was WHO do they think they are telling you what to do?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jarage00
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
Nurse: Okay doc, here's the list of heart and kidney donors in alphabetical order

Doc: Wow, it's very organized ;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/that-rad-kid
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
🚨︎ report
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

β€œSome asshole has my pen.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalyconBolt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Needing a blood transfusion I asked my nurse what my blood type was..

She replied "A+" the dad in me had to let it out... "Well I always was top of the class" I now understand what a visible groan looks like.....

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/openheartoption
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
A chubby Mandalorian steps on the scale at the doctor's office. The nurse reads it and says, "215 lbs." Mando sternly replies "180 pounds..."

"this is the weigh."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?

Me: No, thanks.

Nurse: Fine. Suture self...

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamSchrute25
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Before my operation last week, the nurse wanted to know if I could give them a contact number in case of an emergency...

I said, "911."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Recently broke my thumb, I asked the nurse if I’d be able to play the piano?

She said I would

I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before.

πŸ‘︎ 195
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiddlyDoddo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Nurse: "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible"

Doctor: "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

πŸ‘︎ 589
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m an ER nurse and I just found a rectal thermometer in my pocket.

Some asshole’s got my pen!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejoelyrancher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.

I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rurgtide
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Transplant nurses,

they just can't stand rejection!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deic1602
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Nurse
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emotional_Plenty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the ER Nurse say to the belligerent, know-it-all surgeon, who came in with a large laceration?

"Well fine, then. Suture self."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MsUneek
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. That was a relief.

Hearing that lifted a weight off my chest.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riyaz-Akhmed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Nurse comes in and tells the doctor "There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?" The doctor says...

"Tell him I can't see him!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdryan1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a nurse’s favorite element?

Healium.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EyeTack
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks

"Some asshole has my pen"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
John Cena: *wakes up from coma* where am I? Nurse: ICU.

John Cena: oh ok

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imnotanugga
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I was in A&E with a bad cut. I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said β€œsuture self”.
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Smh nurses
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TamanB
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy...

that we have health insurance.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keep_calm_wack_on
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?"

I said, "Yes. Steve."

She said, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the nurse give Viagra to all the old men in the nursing home?

. . . To keep them from rolling over and falling off the bed. Kick stand.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NYC_Dweller
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?

In case they need to draw blood

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Andyh10s
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected...

I mean, the gall...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/overkillsd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?

They use the de-FIB-rillator. Works every time.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkidWilly86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
*nurse flips on a light switch*

β€œThe Doctor will see you now.”

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeremysayshi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?

B+

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BisexualPangolin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My father had a stroke last night. While he was in his bed in the ER with slurred speech and half his face paralyzed, the nurse comes in and asks, "So, what brings you here tonight?"

"The ambulance", he says.

πŸ‘︎ 770
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigPapiC-Dog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?

Catherine.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
*Wife pregnant* Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby"

Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chromaer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, β€œHow about epidural anesthesia?”

I said, β€œThanks, but we already picked a name.”

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home...

She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kjc127
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
A nurse finds her thermometer in her breastpocket and thinks:

" some asshole has got my pen."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lasertrex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, β€œPush! Push!”

I was convinced it was a Pull door.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
The nurse called me and said, β€œUnder β€˜medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you...”

You wrote down β€œFleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do travels nurses and boxers get along?

They know how to stick and move

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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an alligators nurse?

Gator-aid.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riott1591
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?

Why are you so abscess-ed with him?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbuck7777
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad has been in the hospital. The nurse came in and asked β€œWhen’s your birthday?” β€œJanuary 19th” β€œof what year?”

β€œEvery year” he answered

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cellar______Door
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?

A Curse Practitioner

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timetogobby
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was...

A casual tea

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...

He's ill-mannered!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Nurse: so here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in ABC order

Doctor: wow. Looks very organized!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chanmack21
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...

β€œWho was that?”

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wellzy33
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
🚨︎ report
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!

I got a bad case of poison I.V.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreakyStarrbies
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My nurse just shook her head.

A patient came to the ER with a rash that she had been scratching for a few days. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.

I said "Wow. You're really ... itching to get out of here."

Silence, then groans. Just the response I was looking for.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smeeee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
🚨︎ report
A nurse told me, "Sorry for the wait!"

I replied, "it's alright, I'm patient."

πŸ‘︎ 291
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tatsh7
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Who took the nurse's rectal thermometer?

Some asshole.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Pretty sure my nurse just dad joked me.

she comes back into the room after talking to the doctor

"So it looks like you have an ear infection, does it hurt?"

"No not really, it was ringing earlier but that's it."

"Well did you answer it?"

I burst out laughing, I never heard that one before and thought it was hilarious and had to share.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SethIdol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
🚨︎ report
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

Sighs, and says "Crap, some asshole has my pen."

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2017
🚨︎ report
Why can't TLC be nurses?

Because they don't want no scrubs.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/borna761
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
🚨︎ report
This morning while waiting for a nurse to take the cast off my leg.

Nurse walks past my bed, trying to find someone else. She looks at me and asks, "Kane?" I replied, no thanks.. I already have my crutches.

πŸ‘︎ 646
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snoop_cow_grazeit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2014
🚨︎ report
I asked one of the nurses how long I had left.

She said, "I don't know, doc. Depends when you started your shift."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?

Gauze dammit!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cee_ayy_vee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything? Dad: Burnt bread.

Nurse: You are allergic to burnt bread?

Dad: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I hit the nurse with this one

I went with my parents to see my uncle who was just transferred to my university's hospital.

The nurse walks in and starts talking to us. Somehow the topic of genetics came up and she said "huh, I guess you got the good genes then!"

I looked down and pulled at my jeans. "I guess they're alright."

She rolled her eyes, smiled, and then let out a laugh. My dad was cracking up in the other corner of the room. I think I made him proud.

πŸ‘︎ 198
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emperor_of_Cats
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
🚨︎ report
A man who wants to date a nurse...

Must be patient.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mp1845
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.

She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."

I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."

My first, "official dad" dad joke. How'd I do?

πŸ‘︎ 454
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justablur
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2016
🚨︎ report
Nurse comes in

And says "I'm going to check and see how far along you are," but was referring to my wife's contractions.

With the swiftness of a galloping cheetah, I say "can confirm she's 9 months pregnant, no need to check."

Wife: "Jesus..."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hiimfatgirl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
🚨︎ report
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
🚨︎ report
After we had our baby the Nurse was like β€œbefore you go home you have to watch the video about shaken babies

I told her, no need. I already know how to shake them.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV

When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you". Got an eye roll and a kick for that one.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coachlasso
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fashion designer and the nurse that did a comedy show together?

They had everyone in stitches!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lawless_7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my wife and the nurse moments before my daughter was born

My wife and I welcomed our new daughter this week. The wife wanted some classic rock while she was pushing. We were all there, the doctor, the main nurse (with whom we were joking all day long) and a few other nurses. This was the moment of truth.

Suddenly, the Scorpions' "Rock you like a hurricane" comes on, and my wife exclaims: "This is exactly what I need to pump me up!! She is going to be a Scorpion!"

To which I replied "Actually, she'll be a Sagittarius"

The nurse looked at me surprised, cracked up, the wife rolled her eyes, and a few breaths later my daughter was born.

I have never been prouder to be a dad.

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mirkules
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2014
🚨︎ report
Wise man say "Man who wants pretty nurse...

... must be patient"

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ECAaxel
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2013
🚨︎ report
After waiting at the hospital for 3 hours without being seen to I went to the triage nurse and complained saying...

"I'm trying to be patient here."

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2017
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After my daugher was born this past October, the nurse came in and said it was time for some skin to skin.

I replied.... Skin to Skin?

That's how we got into this mess.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlmathis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2017
🚨︎ report
I found out why nurses carry red crayons

In case they have to draw blood.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/33billings
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/essenceofpotato
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
During labor, the nurse asked my wife, β€œHow about Epidural Anesthesia?”

I said, β€œThanks, but we already picked a name.”

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
🚨︎ report

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