A hospital pun in these covid times!
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
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My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.

He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"

"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"

The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CreepyPastaKing1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
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What part of the hospital has the least privacy?

The ICU

πŸ‘︎ 691
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iceberger3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital. β€œTwo EMTs?” I asked her...

...don’t you mean β€œpair o’ medics”?

πŸ‘︎ 763
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shantron5000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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*calls mum * son : I'm in hospital but don't worry everything is fine

Mum : you're the daym doctor and this wasn't funny the first time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DJonesy007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Which hospital ward is observed the most?

The ICU

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hideandsheep
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
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She gives birth at the hospital entrance.

Names him "Dawson".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tawdry-eloquence
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
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The hospital I stayed in was robbed!

I guess you could say there were pirates of the Care-I-Be-In.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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The hospital I work at has shut down the revolving doors

I hear it’s cause they don’t want Covid going around....

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sanjiroku
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
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Are we playing peekaboo in a hospital?

Because ICU!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gaudiocomplex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.

I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ACSchnitzersport
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
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My wife gave birth to our baby boy otw to the hospital...

We named him Carson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cromlorde
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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What do you call the section of hospital dedicated to squid?

Squidward

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Persons1001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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My buddy Jerry had to get taken to the hospital, unfortunately it looked like he needed to be operated on. He was unconscious and when he came to, he asked β€œwhat’s going to happen, am I going to be alright?”

I told him; β€˜Surgery’.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BostonFan69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Where is the worst place to hid in a hospital?

In the ICU.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stormbreaker636
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Had to take my blind roommate to the hospital today.

Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet .

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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One day a man took his wife to a restaurant instead of a hospital

The restaurant had free delivery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaydenbryant06
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
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Who’s the nicest guy at the hospital?

The ultrasound guy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fawkemhall
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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John was the best liver surgeon in his hospital.

I guess you could say he always delivered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SodArgon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.

I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jessieface13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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My wife gave birth to our son in our car on the way to the hospital

I named him Carson

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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What's the occupation that has the most likely hood of putting people in the hospital?

A paramedic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sknabnotloc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.

I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.

Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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What hospital ward is john cena afraid of?

ICU

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πŸ‘€︎ u/McCarty_Bedell
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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I called my parents and told them not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.

They told me "You're the doctor and this wasn't funny the first time".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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I went to visit my friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I found was in the C section.

I had to climb out of the sunroof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I got lost while driving my suicidal friend to the hospital.

I should have seen the signs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpep0469
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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Four men waiting in the hospital

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, β€œCongratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

β€œThat’s odd,” answers the man. β€œI work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, β€œCongratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

β€œThat’s weird,” answers the second man. β€œI work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, β€œCongratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

β€œThat’s strange,” he answers. β€œI work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. β€œWhat’s wrong?” the others ask.

β€œI work for 7 Up!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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What do you call medical professionals who don't feed their patients after an overnight stay in the hospital?

Doctors without boarders.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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At the hospital they’re taking virus cases on a β€˜first catch’ basis...

It’s in a corona-logical order.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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A baggage handler couldn’t understand how he caught COVID 19 but was discharged from hospital the next day.

The Doctor told him it was a brief-case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elliottcrawford69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.

I was dad on arrival.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/busterpkeaton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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My buddy was rushed into the hospital after showing decorticate posturing. He woke up and I asked him if he remembered anything.

He said it felt really apalling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Onechordbassist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Why did the potato got to the hospital?

Because of Tuber-colosis heh

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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Hey kids, do you know why did the banana go to the hospital?

He was peeling really bad! Hahaha!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/balkso
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Patient in hospital bed shouts to the doctor. Doctor Doctor I cant feel my legs!

I know that the doctor said; We have amputated your arms....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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People don’t mind long lines at the hospital

Because they’re patient

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharlieFoxtrot432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"

He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Nurse: A patient named Stephen has come into the hospital with acidosis (meaning their blood has become too acidic)

Doctor: Stephen with a "ph"?

Nurse: Yes, a low one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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A man woke up in a hospital after a terrible accident. He shouted, "Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, β€œI know. I amputated your arms!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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A bloke wakes up in hospital after an operation and shouts "Doctor I cant feel my legs"

The doctor said i know we chopped your arms off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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I was attacked by a flock of sheep and was sent to the hospital...

Luckily, I was only grazed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InevitableBobcat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Which part of the hospital has the least privacy?

The ICU

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamH9369
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What part of the hospital has the least privacy

The ICU

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoTheF---AmI
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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