The Hospital Puns

He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"

"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."

The ICU

The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."

It was fund a mental

...don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”?

The ICU

Names him "Dawson".

I guess you could say there were pirates of the Care-I-Be-In.

I told the COVID patients to stay positive..🤙

I hear it’s cause they don’t want Covid going around....

We named him Carson.

I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].

Squidward

In the ICU.

I told him; ‘Surgery’.

Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet .

The ultrasound guy.

I guess you could say he always delivered.

I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.

I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.

Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.

A paramedic

They told me "You're the doctor and this wasn't funny the first time".

I should have seen the signs.

I had to climb out of the sunroof.

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”

Doctors without boarders.

The Doctor told him it was a brief-case.

It’s in a corona-logical order.

I was dad on arrival.

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

Because of Tuber-colosis heh

He said it felt really apalling

He was peeling really bad! Hahaha!!

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

Because they’re patient

He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"

Doctor: Stephen with a "ph"?

Nurse: Yes, a low one.

Luckily, I was only grazed.

Everyone loves smooth saline!

....but she enjoys the craic.

Then he shows me the empty packet of KY Jelly had smeared all over his morning toast.

I named him Carson

The ICU

The ICU

I know that the doctor said; We have amputated your arms....

I guess you could say there were pirates of the Care-I-Be-In.