A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other ā€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/a5paperblank
šŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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I'm starting a satirical website about foot pain.

It's called the Bunion.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Spirati
šŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
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Satire
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/DrTallinn
šŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/madazzahatter
šŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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[Satire] A Salt Rifle
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Wheatley67
šŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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[Satire] Iā€™d pick Jew Jitsu over Nun Chucks, personally
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Detronix18
šŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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[Satire] This be the season
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/ImNotRice
šŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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[Satire] Only a Sith...
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/lolkdrgmailcom
šŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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A pun walks in and kills 10 people

Pun in, ten dead.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/JesusSaves002
šŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there. He said he couldn't complain.
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/exactchange516
šŸ“…︎ May 11 2017
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Did you hear about the politician who came home late at night after a hard day at work?

He was Satired'

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/orschinparjin
šŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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What's the name of those half-goat people in mythology? Usually depicted with a pan flute? They use fiction as a way to write scathing commentary about the world?

Oh, right. Satires.

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šŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies

She Satired

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Bruce_Wang007
šŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
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If /puns were to host a fence building party according to the rules...

(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)

  1. No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.

  2. The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.

  3. If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.

  4. Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.

  5. You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.

  6. If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.

  7. When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...

For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event over another as you work, or discussing other controversial matters. That won't change as long as you don't abuse this. Please keep your fence posts in good taste and suitable for all audiences. But if you do bring risque fence posts, make sure to cover them with a shroud labeled adult only, and I won't pull them up, provided the other rules are followed.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Spotted_Lady
šŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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I read an article about wheels...

...turns out it was saTire

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šŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2018
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