Sarcastic Puns

Mockingbird.

I was told I was intelligen’t

He liked to pump irony.

sighren

Crimea River

It’s a tire

“No I Kant”

A smart ass doctor

He makes the best wry bread.

You're on a roll, aren't ya?!

It's starting to wear a bit thin now.

He really needed an attitude adjustment.

The forget-me ... NOT!

"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!"

"well, this way you don't have to have read-it."

(this genuinely happened about a minute ago, he actually left the house)

He said "I guess that makes me a farmer."

I look at him, bewildered.

"A corn farmer."

and orders a drink, then a little while after he finished that drink he ordered another and he accidentally drops the glass containing the drink and he says to the waitress put it on my bill, so the waitress begins to grab the glass shards that were on the ground and carefully placed them on the ducks bill and the duck asks what are you doing and the waitress says I’m putting it on your bill and the duck sarcastically says ohhhh you really quack me up and the waitress says oh I'm sorry did I ruffle your feathers.

I see food and I eat it.

I'm not buying it.

Me: You're absolutely right. I'm the captain of the ship.

Girlfriend: What ship?

Me: The relationship.

Me: I replaced the handle on the toilet today!

Teenager: (Sarcastic) And aren't you proud of it?

Me: Flushed with success.

Yeah man, they've got some sweet beats.

Remember, only come here for cringe, Because this is the ultimate Pun Collection.

1. What does McDonalds say to the tray when it betrays them? "You traytor!"
2. Does Spider Man live in an egg? Because i heard he lives in New Yolk.
3. These puns aren't very eggciting.
4. lettuce taco bout it?
5. I will asalt you with puns!
6. What if your problem involves telling a phone? JUST TELEPHONE ALREADY!
7. What if Jake stands close to Johnny when talking? He Here's Johnny!
8. Stop asalting my hard with your judging pursesonality!
9. I'll play the Yandere Simulater later.
10. You herd about that show? It's called Spongebob Swearpants.
11. Why did you diss stew me? (kinda hard to get, but just say it out loud.)
12. What does someone say sarcastically in the middle of an intense war that was caused by someone? TANKS TO YOU!
13. What type of plane that loves bounce? Boeing!
14. How many money did we owe? It said it on the letter right? I don't know, you should've reddit!

I'm sorry for the cringe...

Her: Yeah, I've actually been dancing since I was two years old!

Me: Wow, thats so impressive. You must be so tired by now!

Groans were had by both parties

Her: I want the same thing for breakfast that we had yesterday.

Me picking her up: I want hugs.

Her in a very sarcastic tone: Are you going to eat the hugs?

Referred to as the Red Hot Chili Papers

Me: How did you do on the muscles and bones test?

Son: I mixed up the cranium and the skull.

Me: That was a boneheaded mistake.

Son: (Sarcastic) Ha ha.

I guess he didn't find my joke humerus.

...until today when I caught him texting with both his thumbs.

Being the sarcastic smart are son of his, I asked " when did you learn to type with both thumbs?" he smiled and happily replied: "The day I learned I was Ambi'text'rous".

He laughed for about 5 minutes and proceeded on to tell mum and my brother about his funny pun

Good one dad.

We're in bed, and her 2 cats are jumping all over everything in her room. Typical cat things.

Her: (sarcastically) "I should just dump them outside on the sidewalk."

Me: "Wouldn't that be KITTY LITTER??"

Her: (groans)

My bf recently told me about this subreddit, purely because my dad is one of the dadjokiest dads we know. Today, I finally got to document a stellar example of his fatherly humor.

While making a sarcastic FB post regarding furniture I can't afford...

She was walking down the hall towards her door, and I was leaving to go move my laundry from the washer to the dryer. Right as she was walking into her apartment, she said, "Have fun doing laundry!"

I sarcastically replied, "Oh im sure I'll have loads."

She backtracked out of her door just to give a sickened and irritated look.

I am so proud right now.

I was at work, sarcastically saying how much I love sweeping. Stoned coworker says "..We should just call you Cinderella then.."

I said "If the shoe fits!"

Her: Clothes

Me: (sarcastic laugh)

I'm away at university and my dad calls me up while I'm doing last minute homework:

Dad: What are you up to?

Me: Just finishing an essay about Dickens' Hard Times for class. I'm really busy, can I call you back in a couple hours?

Dad: Oh, that sounds like a hard time!

Me: (Sarcastically) Well it's not the MOST fun I've ever had.

Dad: (long pause followed by a sigh) Are you having a hard time with the joke?

Me: No, (chuckles) I get it dad... but I've got to go!

Dad: You sound like you're having a hard time.

Me: Dad, I got it.

Dad: (scoff) Ahhh, I'm just giving you a hard time!

Me: Dad.... I've got so much work to do.

Dad: I'll let you go then; glad to be of help during this hard time. Good luck on your essay! (hangs up)

Me to my boyfriend: Earlier today a dog chased me on rollerskates!

Boyfriend: (sarcastically) Was the dog really on rollerskates?

In the car. Husband(H) and son are having an in-depth conversation about LoL skins. Daughter(D) chimes in. D: Are you guys talking about LoL? H: Yup. D: Wow ( with very sarcastic undertone ) H: ( with out missing a beat ) Not WoW, LoL. Groans all around.

Dad:"Hey, do you want me to get anything from the store?"

Me:"Sure can you get me some bread please?"

Him:"Give me some dough, and I'll get you some bread!

Proceeded by sarcastic groan/laughs.

Her: We should get going.

Me: Hold on, I want to open this online bank account before they close.

Her: <sarcastic> Oh yeah, cause they close early on Saturday

Me: Yeah, they have to head out early to beat the internet traffic.

Specifically this one: http://youtu.be/y5r3PY9nr4w

Wife: haha. (sarcastically) This makes me want to cut myself.

Me: It's okay. You'll have an extra life.