Hospice Puns

With my hands.

OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.

About a gallon and a half

Backstory: When I was younger my father was diagnosed with cancer. I was reading about it and asked him what a Hospice was. (He's ok now!)

Me: What's a Hospice?

Dad: Slightly more than a donkey does.

the hospice nurse asked him how he was feeling, (this is only hours before he died) he looks her dead in the eyes and says "With my Fingers!"

When she told him she had to turn him to wash him, he said, "Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

To properly organize it, my family had to start discussing what day my grandma's funeral would be before she actually died. My dad cautioned our speculation with "don't put the cart before the hearse."

My father-in-law was released from the hospital on hospice. Today the nurse came in to check on everything for him. She leaned over and asked, "how do you feel?" He took as deep of a breath as he could, the nurse leaned in close, and he softly said "with my hands".

We are going to miss him so much.

He told me I'm probably not cut out for hospice care.

The hospice nurse was asking mandatory questions of my Father-in-Law, terminal with cancer:

Nurse: Were you ever sexually abused as a child?

Father-in-Law: No, I was neglected.

Nurse: (surprised) Neglected?

Father-in-Law: No one ever loved me enough to give me any sexual abuse.

It's possible to laugh and cry at the same time. My Father-in-Law was legendary and laughed even in the face of death.

So my dad, sister and I all went to go and visit my grandmother (she got moved to hospice this week) at the hospital, and on the entry way it showed a Hall of Deans for the Sanford Medical School/Hospital. Like four busts all in a row. My Dad, whose name is Doug goes, "God, all four of them were named Dean? Where's the Hall of Dougs? Sign me up!"

He had tears coming out of his eyes. I love my family.