Cashes Puns

Now I have ten ants.

Doctor has diagnosed I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

Big Farmer

He did a lovely job of the landing.

For Pete's sake, I guess he wants me to pay for it myself!

It will help them make a gross profit.

It folded

I told her he is my small arms dealer.

Because they never know when a bit of extra dough might be kneaded!

The Czech Republic

Does that mean I have frozen assets or cold hard cash?

Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.

We got back to the house and my nephew said...

Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.

Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?

Nephew: no. Is it still broken?

Me: yeah. There’s a big crack in it still.

He didn’t get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I don’t care.

...a POS?

However, after handing over his cash, he was only left with 10 cents. He didn't have enough money to catch a bus home. So he went to the telegram office. He asked the lady how much it was to send a telegram home. 10 cents a word she said.

Well, what one word could he send home to his father to explain the situation?

"Comfortable"

Who's there?

Cash

Cash who?

No thanks but I don't mind peanuts

A harmoney

To make a little extra cash he wrote a rhotic r on the side

He gave me counter fit money.

I can’t think of any atm.

Because he really wanted to be a cash-shoe.

It's called,Cash in the Addict.

I made many many many many many money drawings.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

I just can't think of one atm

In the end he was just throwing money down the drain.

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Person 1: knock knock Person 2: who’s there Person 1: cash Person 2: cash who Person 1: Actually I prefer almonds

They have a wad of cash

Because he doesn’t have any cash.

Pointing his firearm at two cashiers, he shouts “hand over the contents of the cash register! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession...you know, a habitual occupation followed for a livelihood and involving commercial transactions!”

Cashier 1: “What do we do?”

Cashier 2: “Do what he says, I think he means business!”

Cashews

Wouldn't that be 'money laundering'?

What a half-baked attempt at making dough.

At the end of the weekend there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit.

He’s the Chip Monk.

He said "Cheque , mate"

Because they sell themselves short.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

He made a lovely job of the landing.

The Czech Republic

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show