When you get into an argument about seeds and nuts " I'll cashew outside how bout dah"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yojitsu93
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2017
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I went nuts when someone asked me what cashews and almonds were.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oasishippie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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I was about to try a new diet

I was about to try a diet of almonds, pecans, cashews, and pistachios. Once I told my doctor, he told me to try a diet that wasn't completely nuts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RockerSwitch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
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Two nuts are running down the street.

The one nut yells out. I'm a cashew!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jesuscide
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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Dad: Knock knock

Son: Who's there?

Dad: Do you like cash?

Son: Do you like cash who?

Dad: Are you nuts? I don't like cashews.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/igi23295
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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My first organic dad joke

My wife texted me saying "we've been nuts all day", as in busy. I asked her "what kind?" And then proceeded to rattle off her co-workers names paired with nuts of the same letter, eg: Cashew Crissy, Pistachio Patty.

Then I laughed like an idiot for 5 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NiceIsis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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Got my fiancΓ©e on the way to the gym

We were walking and eating a quick pre-workout snack when she said "well I guess that nut goes to the birds then" because she dropped a cashew she was about to eat.

I looked at her and asked "so would you call that a cashew-alty?"

She rolled her eyes and kept while I had to stop from laughing to much.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Branamp13
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2016
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"I put a couple dollars in your shoes..."

"Why?"

"You said you wanted cashews."

"You're nuts!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/starshine531
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
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My dad and our dog

My dad was eating cashews today and he fed the dog a couple. My mom told him that he shouldn't be giving the dog any nuts because there are some nuts that dogs aren't supposed to have. He responds with "I know, they get them removed so they don't have puppies".

I had to turn away so he didn't see me laughing. Then he ran to tell my brother.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjanuary
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2015
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Different types of milk.

Me: "Wow, now there's cashew milk and there's almond milk." Dad: "That's nuts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/facadesintheday
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2015
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You can pick your nuts, or you cashews not to
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karatesauce
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew.

πŸ‘︎ 864
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EnazS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
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