I broke my hand punching a curb.
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Geology rocks, geography is where it’s at. But ultimately, making mirrors is what I really see myself doing.
He was afraid he would butcher all the jokes.
I think my parents will be so proud when they learn I'm a Cardi-B-ologist.
Mend-e-sleeve
He was haulin’ oats.
I just found out you get to work with dikes and strippers.
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
"Chestnuts roasting on an open Fourier"
i guess you could say i felon love
Because he'll never run around and dessert you.
It's called Pence-a-cola.
There's lots of prose and cons.
I have some breaking news for her.
Because he had no sole
You could say that I come from a LAN down under.
I am asking two of my girlfriends to be my bridesmaids and wanted to word the question in a punny way related to their careers- one is a first-year medical resident and the other is a law student. I would like to flatter them/make it funny. Any and all ideas are appreciated!! If there is a better sub to ask this question please let me know:))
Now my career is in ruins.
My wife and I were doing a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. I had just handcuffed her to the bedhead when we heard one of the kids turning the door handle. I quickly threw the covers over the both of us and in walked my 7 year old son. He noticed the handcuffs, went really quiet and had this confused look on his face. After 15 seconds or so he asked my wife why she was handcuffed to the bed. She blushed and had to come up with a lie on the spot. She stammered out that daddy was just practicing with the handcuffs for his new job as a policeman and that my son should just go back into the lounge room and watch some TV.
A few weeks later I was asked to careers day at my son's school. My son stood up with me in front of the class and proudly announced his daddy was a policeman and that I lock up baddies. I didn't want to embarass him so I just played along. It turns out I was the one who was about to be embarassed. One of the kids asked if my son had ever seen me at work. My son said no but that he had seen me practicing using handcuffs on his mom. It went right over the kids heads but the teacher was very amused and couldn't stop giggling. I guess my wife and I would have been the hot topic in the staff room that day.
Thanks to her, I’m graduating from Sky diving school.
His entire career.
It was something I could always see myself doing.
I'm quite the music history buff- always have been. My first inkling as a college student was to explore turning this into a career. So I found a music museum, wrote an impassioned essay, and somehow landed the 12-week internship.
When I got there, I met the curator, a woman named Rhonda. Like me, she had grown up enjoying music and always wanting to know more. Thanks to grants and donors' generosity, she had helped continue the museum's legacy of showcasing what might otherwise be lost to history.
The tradition of the museum had always been to let the interns work in the orchestral wing. My assignment in particular was the string section.
Now I didn't know a whole lot about the string family, but I saw some really fine specimens and decided we could perhaps tell a broader story about the progression of the instruments. And so I began studying.
After about a week of studying, I went to Rhonda and asked if we could do something different here. She was very receptive to the idea and introduced me to her assistant, Dr. Will. His PhD was in history, natch, but he still relished having everyone call him Doctor. It was funny.
Dr. Will helped me learn so much about how the family of instruments developed over time, their overall cultural footprint, etc.
Did you know a fiddle and a violin are the same thing? Did you know the viola family dates back to the 16th C.? Vivaldi wrote 25 cello concertos!
I dazzled visitors with tales of the Stradivarius, Amati and Guarneri families. I noted the increase in neck length over time. I reassured them that despite the name catgut, no cat intestines were used in the creation of these instruments—but it sure might be sheep or goat.
Sadly, 12 weeks goes by quickly when you're having fun, and I got enthusiastic letters of recommendation from Rhonda and Dr. Will, and I do miss them. Hello, you two.
I figured I could waltz (sorry) right in to more museum jobs later, but boy, was I mistaken.
I kept interviewing for the job, but after about the 10th cold shoulder, I had to find out what I was doing wrong. I had done such a good job, after all, right??????
So I fucking called the museum
got the guy who interviewed me on the line—and he wasn't thrilled to even talk to me. But I asked him, sir, why didn't I even get a call back? Weren't my qualifications good?
He said, yes, BUT.......
"...we simply can't hire someone who has exhibited a history of violins."
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from
Because he was so good at deliveries
I tried, but I didn't make it.
...it's always been holding me back.
I haven’t heard from him since.
Because she was a shooting star.
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
—
My 9yr old son just told me this 🤪
Turns out that thyme doesn’t heal all wounds.
Sadly, I could never get my jokes to land, and just kept crashing and burning on stage.
I told him, "But son, that career path will take you years!"
"First you have to take dentist 1, then dentist 2, all before you get to dentist 3!"
He’s made a entire career out of Christmas cracker jokes and somehow still makes me laugh.
https://youtu.be/HCn9lkazxjk
... but ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I said, “Oh yeah? Just you wait.”
She was shocked.
He was a one-hint wonder!
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
I have some breaking news for her.
I have some breaking news for her.
Now my career is in ruins.
