What’s COVID-19’s favorite chord progression?

A plague-al cadence

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smolprincess928
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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A very progressive pun thread reddit.com/r/technology/c…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gdshephe88
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2009
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A local Amish told me he wasn't against progress

As long as it doesn't involve change

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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What do you call a progressive superhero that specializes in cleaning?

Libman

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigPeneMcgundy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Criminal justice has progressed

When a thief is caught today, it’s not like the olden days. Now, you get a mugshot and housed in a jail cell. Then, they were just drawn and quartered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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I asked my police officer friend if he had made any progress with the investigation into who stole all their internet cables.

He said: No, we haven't even got any leads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gubaxter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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If Pro is the opposite of Con, what is the opposite of progress?

And don't forget constitution.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/diceblue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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These days everyone seems to be going for progressiveness until it comes to something they really care about.

& hence I don't care 'bout anything.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Droyk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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My friend is inventing breakthrough upholstery fabric that can self-mend rips and tears. When I asked how he's progressing, he replied....

Sofa sew good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/writenroll
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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I've been learning to moonwalk during lockdown.

I made some progress initially, but lately it just feels like I'm going backwards

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bustershark
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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My optometrist told me I needed progressive lenses.

I wasn't sure I was ready for that, so I asked her if I could start with amateur-gressive lenses first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/soothsayer___
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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I can't believe my FitBit still shows no progress...

How much more jogging my memory must I do?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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The teacher asked the student about the progress on the Microsoft Office course.

The student responded: 'thank you for asking, i'm doing excellent.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/burt_tts
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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What do you call someone who hates the Progressive spokeswoman?

Viscosity, because they’re resistant to Flo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bellicose_buddha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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If the opposite of pros are cons, then the opposite of progress is...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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Sea Captain

A sea captain hunted for his white whale for decades. When he finally came upon it, a storm roared to life and began to toss his ship to and fro. A cannon came loose and crushed his leg.

He got the whale, and left behind a legacy.

((Work in progress. Just came to me during a conversation over a game of cards. Feedback welcome.))

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCVisNih
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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Breaking news: There's a riot in progress at the Kentucky Derby.

Authorities are saying it's race-related.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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Did you hear that lady in the Progressive Insurance ads has been dating a rapper?

It's Flo Rida

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wuellig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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What did the Progressive ad say about the winter weather?

That's Snow Joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2piix
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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Progressive rock fans probably hate today.

Because it's 4/4.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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TIL that sea-faring pirates were quite progressive in their labor practices, reserving a portion of their loot into an early sort of worker's comp, paying for peg-legs and hooks.

They weren't big fans of arrrbitration.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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What do liberal metalheads listen to?

Progressive Metal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SolBadguy11
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Best name for a progressive coffee shop?

Stay Woke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/merphy90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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Murder in progress
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Martynzer0star
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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In Canada, we are so progressive and accepting that even our highway is Trans.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/satanicbuttstuff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2017
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Tennis tournament in progress

  What, it's still going on?
  Isn't Wimble-done yet??

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tqgibtngo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
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Isreali Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has lately fallen out of popularity with the public. He looks set to be suceeded by the progressive Benjamin Netangoogle.
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2017
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The Germans didn’t think the Allies would make so much progress in WWII.

They did Nazi that coming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/planemanx15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
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If Pro is the opposite of Con, what's the opposite of Progress?

(do I really need to spell this one out?)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mystikmike
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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I'm pretty far on the left politically but I'm not involved in any activism

I'm passive progressive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sycliantableigit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I saw an insurance commercial with a gay couple in it.

Guess it was Progressive.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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I used to be the drummer in a progressive 80s rock band called 'prevention'

We were better than The Cure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gross04
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2017
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"Progressives" are just apologists for Playstation 2 loading screens.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klingers
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2017
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Not sure if that's a pun or a play on words

Present progressive: It is nothing Present simple: It noth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Symon_Pude
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes...

And that's a huge ass connection.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lumikue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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Just ate a coin

It was kind of minty

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SherpaBoye
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

To hide in a cherry tree!

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

Works, don't it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrustyNugs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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So I was monitoring our progress on Google Maps and calling out the distance to the next turn as it changed...

Daughter: "Dad, maybe you don't update our progress every mile?"

Me: "Actually, I'm updating our progress every .1 of a mile. Does that make you tenth?"

Earned me the coveted groan with double eye roll...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EngineerBill
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
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Flushing in Progress (my dad got an iphone and loves taking pictures)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dannyboyfl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2013
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Dad joke makers I seek your wisdom: String family joke work in progress

I have a good punch line but haven't been able to design a satisfying lead in for it:

Do you know why the string family decided to break up?

...

Apparently not (A parent-ly knot)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/picturepack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2014
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If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EcksMarksDespot
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Isn't the opposite of progress.. congress?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i3loke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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What's the opposite of progress?

Congress.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/and69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
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If pro is the opposite of con,

is progress the opposite of congress?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadeauxmarie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Is pro is the opposite of con, what’s the opposite of progress?

Congress.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JG_melon
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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If the opposite of β€œpro” is β€œcon”,

Then the opposite of β€œprogress” is β€œCongress”

(Dads can be woke too)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FatherNigel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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