Egocentric speciality fish mongers
Guys, make your woman feel special. Place a framed photo of her in the kitchen...
....and write "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" on top.
Did you hear about the British plastic surgeon who specializes in lip enhancement?
How do you catch a special rabbit?
Unique up on it!
How do you catch a domesticated rabbit?
Tame way!
Special moment: giving my sun his first bath.
Do you know what makes Edam cheese so special?
It’s the only cheese that is made backwards
My wife works in animal medicine and rolled her eyes at me. "Where does a vet who specializes in neutering live?"
Anakin was a bad student. Never paid attention in class, never took any tests seriously. All his teachers were angry with him. Teacher Obi-Wan was specially worried when he had to say,
"I have failed you, Anakin. I have failed you."
I make podiums. So I always save my most special podium for March 20th...
It's the first dais of Spring!
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
Pi Day Special Edition Dad Joke
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference...
He ate too much pi.
What does a real estate agent from the Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the sea shore.
Seems the Weekend had compete creative control for the halftime special and brought in his own production team.
I guess Everybody's Working For the Weekend.
A person was arrested at the special Olympics.
My friend studies the science of unspecialized cells that can divide to produce some cells that are destined to become specialized....
I just found out that they make special diapers for baby boys.
They call them diap-hims.
What profession do dogs specialize in?
What do you call a progressive superhero that specializes in cleaning?
My friend used to work for the forgeries division of INTERPOL with a specialization on the trafficking of fraudulent paintings.
He was an artificial art official.
Nothing special tuna-ight
Star Trek Halloween Special
My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...
Christmas Eve is special because...
...it's one of the only day where tomorrow is the present day.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs
I made a joke saying this Thanksgiving would be extra special because we'll be spreading around diseases like the original Thanksgiving. Someone told me "too soon".
They were right. I should have waited until next week.
What's the name of the relative who owns a shop that specializes in vintage items made from hardwood?
10...9...My Dad was counting down. I asked why. 7...6... “Because it’ll be 12:57, he said.” 5...4... “What’s so special about 12:57?” I asked.
I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
I’m starting a chiropractic business specializing in homeopathic & aromatherapy approaches...
The crab
A female crab saw a male crab walking straight, not sideways, like other crabs did.
‘This guy is really really special’, she thought, and asked him out. Soon they were married.
A few days later she saw him walking sideways just like the other crabs, and was disappointed and angry.
‘You lied to me!’ She said. ‘I thought you were different and special!’
The crab said ‘Oh honey, you know I can’t drink that much everyday!’
A ‘divine’ healer in his ‘miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."
With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"
John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"
John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."
An eggstra special conversation
I wanted my first post here to be special
Upon seeing a gorgeous girl at the party, I knew I had to meet her. So I approached and told her about a special-purpose ship designed to move and navigate through frozen waters, and provide safe waterways for other boats and ships.
I've used it before and it works. It's the perfect icebreaker.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
Why can't the bike ever get up on time?
I just got a job doing payroll for the Gates and Clinton Foundations.
It's nothing special, but it pays the Bills.
A Little Town In Mexico And Their Love Of Mayonnaise
There was a little town in Mexico, right across the border from Texas. They got a taste for Mayonnaise from the Cowboys crossing the border to eat. Soon they created a festival for their love of Mayonnaise. They’d have every type of mayonnaise you could think of. Folks loved it. The 10th anniversary of the festival was coming up and they decided they wanted to do something special. They heard of a place in England that made the worlds very best. They placed their order and was told it would be shipped overseas to them by boat. Because they had placed such a large order, the only ship capable of carrying it was the Titanic. The folks were waiting excitedly until the morning that the Titanic had hit a iceberg. When the news came that they wouldn’t get their shipment and to honor those lives lost, they decided to rename their festival. It became known as “Sinko De Mayo.”
These puns are special type of cheesy, Feta cheesy, that's why they are Greece-y.
Auditoriums are specially designed so that sound will bounce around the walls and ceiling in order to be projected to the audience. However, if you place a pigeon on the stage, the coo of said pigeon will not bounce.
This is because of a-coo-sticks.
It takes a second to understand- or I’m just special
A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks “why should I hire you?” The applicant responded “I have a special talent!”
“Oh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.
The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.
At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!
“You’re hired!!” He exclaimed.
The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.
The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.
A bystander asked “who is he?”
The priest responded “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”
My special (cake) day was beautiful...
even the cake was in tiers!
had to do a (bad) dad joke for my cake day lol
I was all ready to host a limbo contest, but then I found out that someone stole my special limbo bar.
I mean, how low can you go?
I once went to a Hispanic restaurant that specialized in various exotic cheeses. I asked what was on the menu.
“‘Kay, so...” the waiter started
I want to give a special thanks to...
My hands for always staying by my side
My legs for helping me stand up
And my fingers because I could always count on them
If the early bird gets the worm, what does the early worm get?
Why is Edam cheese so special?
Because it’s made backwards!
Waiter: "Would you like to hear today's Special?"
Customer: "Yes, please."
Waiter: "Today IS special. Very special."
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