Shoutout to the individual who invented orthotics!

If it were up to me, you’d be a shoo-in for the Nobel Peace Prize.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seisocho
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do detectives tend to scrutinize individuals with bluish eyes in cases of poisoning?

Because the real killer is usually cyan-eyed.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/antirabbit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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I’ve started an organization that grants scholarships to former armed services individuals that want to become animal doctors. Grantees are awarded based on an interview process.

I call it β€œBest bets for vetting vets for vets”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
When I moved to the city, I went to a bar where they only served individually wrapped cheese slices...

It was a cool singles bar.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals

They most certainly have floss.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deadsea29
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Statisticians are up to no good

They're always plotting something

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peterburk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
To the individual who stole my glasses...

I will find you. I have contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearinthegarden14
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought a new-build house!

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. β€œThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. β€œCan you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

β€œYeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,β€œbut it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained β€œWhen these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” β€œTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

β€œIt’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

β€œThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” β€œThat future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. β€œDon’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

β€œNow let that sink in!”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/olemonheado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
You know that one about flat earthers?

Flat earthers are not well rounded individuals.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/playStore111
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and no matchbox or lighter, what do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gab3_itch69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Congress just passed legislation limiting the number of hats an individual may own.

They put a cap on it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why wouldn't the Republicans impeach Donald Trump?

They insist on bringing a baby to full term.

πŸ‘︎ 214
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pcwils1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
After seeing a dead bird I had to tell my 4 year old what it means.

I said it Δ­t : pro. Used to refer to that one previously mentioned. Used of a nonhuman entity; an animate being whose sex is unspecified, unknown, or irrelevant; a group of objects or individuals; an action; or an abstraction.

pro. Used as the subject of an impersonal verb.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dumbstupidhuman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says β€œyou must be single” and I respond with β€œhow did you know?”

She responded, β€œ because you are ugly!”

πŸ‘︎ 205
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a country that has been created through the uniting of two individual countries?

A combination.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucas1607
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I need a pun about chips for a Christmas gift

So my brother is super hard to buy for because my mom buys him EVERYTHING, literally. This kid has every toy, game console, video game, movie, funko pop, t-shirt, etc to ever exist. My sister and I decided to buy him chips for Christmas. I got jalapeno cheddar cheetos, a few snack bags of spicy chips, and a can of pringles. I'm going to wrap them individually and put them in a stocking. I would like to add a card with a pun or joke about chips to at least make this (admittedly low effort) gift funny.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tazzles26
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call plates you have to pay for individually?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meduzing74
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
🚨︎ report
What rhymes with orange?

No it doesn’t.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkLordJ14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do sharks eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
*holds up individual sock*

I gotta put this sock on JDate because it’s single now

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anxiouscuke
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What would an individual of mah-chismo culture say?

This is mah cheese, nacho cheese.

Found out we're expecting a few days ago, so I had to come up with a joke.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lingerfickin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to a restaurant and when I got the bill, I was confused. I saw the prices individually but I didn’t see the
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glaserbeam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are melons always sold individually?

So that they can't elope!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/underhandshade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What type of cruel individual would cut off a person's hair, throw it away and then to add insult to injury, take their money afterwards???

Such a practice sounds barbarous to me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atomproject
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I accompany a choir full of retired individuals

There was a choir member who was having trouble hearing this week, possibly due to sickness and clogged sinuses, so she went to get it checked out yesterday.

I asked her today how it went.

"Oh, they ran some tests, but I haven't heard anything since."

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuebic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
🚨︎ report
A group of ravens chased individual crows until the crows were cornered together

In other words, a conspiracy of ravens premeditated a murder of crows.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Thanks to the following individuals for helping persuade me to become vegan ... (xpost /r/vegetarian)

Thanks to the following individuals for helping persuade me to become vegan:

Ron Acerous, Sal Amander, Herb Avore, Chic Adee, Al Bacore, Paul R Baer, Al Batros, Wally Bee, Lady Bugg, Jay Byrd, Ann Chovie, Anna Condra, Barry Cuda, Terry Dactyl, Ray N Deer, Flo N Der , Erma Dillo, Ann Enome, Terry Err, Liz Erd, Ann Fibian, Dale Finn, Redd Fox, Buddy Fly, Ken Garoo, Allie Gator, Billy Goat, Pan Guin, Ann Gus, Hal Ibut, Bob Katz, Tom Katz, Anne Kelosaurous, Don Key, Ann T. Lope, Moe Lusk, C. Lyon, Chip Monk, Flo Mingo, Sal Mon, Anna Mull, Barr Nicole, Kay Nine, Kyle Otee, Al Paca, Lia Pard, Millie Pede, Ellie Phant, Arthur Podd, Jack Rabbit, Gerry Raffe, Ty Ranaceourous, Mack Rell, Wally Rus, Jack Russel, Fez Sant, Dina Sauer, Drew Sophila, Chris Station, Hal Steen, Clyde Sudale, Ann Teeter, Pan Ther, Earl Thurfworm, Tara Ann Tula, Bea Tule, Ray Venn, Bea Ver, and Beau Vine.

I couldn't have done it without your support !!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheStupidVegNoob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2016
🚨︎ report
There's a nutcase going around our town stabbing people with knitting needles.

Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours.

The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Circumcision Puns Aren't Funny

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oemus2776
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad gifts gaming PC to his sons in individual parts and wraps the components with some dad jokes.

http://www.reddit.com/r/buildapc/comments/1tnxio/my_kids_asked_for_a_gaming_computer_for_christmas/

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wutda7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
🚨︎ report
Many years ago, all the female Warlocks perished in the desert.

The individual male Warlocks, try as they might, could not master the art of bringing back their counterparts and all seemed lost.

Then, two young Warlocks found that, by working together - one recreating the body while the other recreated the soul - they could bring them back to life from the very sand they died in.

It's crazy but they could finish each other's Sand Witches.

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techKnowGeek
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Professor just dad-joked the class on the first day

So, our professor was calling out names for attendance:

Professor: "Holly Brown?"

Holly: "Here."

Professor: "Xu Shuo?"

silence

Professor: "I guess we can all say that he's a no-Shuo...."

Facepalms and groans scattered across the room.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chunkymonkeyman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
🚨︎ report
A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A girl was putting up a sign.

A girl was putting up a sign, and while she was putting the individual letters in, the letter "i" fell out.

A guy happened to see the letter dropping and jumped to stop it from hitting the ground.

He caught it and the girl was thankful that he did so, this led to one thing and another, and soon they were dating.

To him, she was so charming, when he asked if she was this charming to other guys, she said :

"No, you just happened to catch my I."

πŸ‘︎ 232
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Attention Punners

I am a representative from the r/PunPatrol and we have been seeing some of our officers have been arrested individuals on this server where in a peace treaty we have allowed Puns in this subreddit. We apologise for these rogue officers and have reported them to r/PunInternalAffairs . Thanks for understanding.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWESOMEDUDE0614
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked my own Father while we were driving home.

My Dad and I were watching "Iron Man" on his truck's DVD player while he was driving me home. It cuts to a scene where someone was driving an Audi.

Dad: Ooh, that's a nice car.

Me: Meh, I don't like it.

Dad: You don't like the Audi?

Me: Nope.

Dad: Get out.

Me: You want me to get Audi your car?

Dad: ΰ² _ΰ² 

The groan he emitted was magnificent.

Edit: Individuals seem to be upset about him occasionally watching while he was driving. I apologize if this offends anyone. I talked to him, and he says he will make sure to only watch when he is stopped/parked. I will make sure he does so. Thank you for the concern!

πŸ‘︎ 787
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaylorAlexis
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2015
🚨︎ report
FPS

Let's say there was an individual that assassinated the husbands or wives of presidents by the means of a projectile weapon. Would said individual be a First-Person-Shooter?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/memyselfandieb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
What is the meaning of life?

According to the dictionary: "the existence of an individual human being or animal"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neudeu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is the Octopus always laughing?

Because he has ten-tickles

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vuductien26
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
🚨︎ report
[REQUEST] I need roast jokes for middle schoolers.

Mods, if this is against the rules, I apologize. Feel free to remove and I'll try and find better luck on Google.

I'm a middle school teacher and my 8th graders are graduating on Thursday. They've been a great, wonderful class to have, but they always complain about lame my jokes are. I feel that the most suitable way to send them off would be, either on the last day of class or at their graduation ceremony, would be to send them off with their own individual dad roast from me. (Think Norm MacDonald at the Bob Saget roast).

If anybody has any good dad roast jokes that won't get me fired nor get misconstrued for bullying, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
🚨︎ report
So I was using the level kit to make sure my shelf was straight. I dropped the thing and it hit me right on the head

Guess I’m a level-headed individual

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nice_Yams
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report

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