Individualism Puns

If it were up to me, you’d be a shoo-in for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Because the real killer is usually cyan-eyed.

It was a cool singles bar.

I call it “Best bets for vetting vets for vets”

They most certainly have floss.

I will find you. I have contacts.

Everybody looked up to him

They put a cap on it.

So my brother is super hard to buy for because my mom buys him EVERYTHING, literally. This kid has every toy, game console, video game, movie, funko pop, t-shirt, etc to ever exist. My sister and I decided to buy him chips for Christmas. I got jalapeno cheddar cheetos, a few snack bags of spicy chips, and a can of pringles. I'm going to wrap them individually and put them in a stocking. I would like to add a card with a pun or joke about chips to at least make this (admittedly low effort) gift funny.

They insist on bringing a baby to full term.

She responded, “ because you are ugly!”

No it doesn’t.

Fish and ships.

I gotta put this sock on JDate because it’s single now

This is mah cheese, nacho cheese.

Found out we're expecting a few days ago, so I had to come up with a joke.

So that they can't elope!

Such a practice sounds barbarous to me.

Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours.

The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern

There was a choir member who was having trouble hearing this week, possibly due to sickness and clogged sinuses, so she went to get it checked out yesterday.

I asked her today how it went.

"Oh, they ran some tests, but I haven't heard anything since."

I don't know, they are all individuals who have their own taste in music.

In other words, a conspiracy of ravens premeditated a murder of crows.

Thanks to the following individuals for helping persuade me to become vegan:

Ron Acerous, Sal Amander, Herb Avore, Chic Adee, Al Bacore, Paul R Baer, Al Batros, Wally Bee, Lady Bugg, Jay Byrd, Ann Chovie, Anna Condra, Barry Cuda, Terry Dactyl, Ray N Deer, Flo N Der , Erma Dillo, Ann Enome, Terry Err, Liz Erd, Ann Fibian, Dale Finn, Redd Fox, Buddy Fly, Ken Garoo, Allie Gator, Billy Goat, Pan Guin, Ann Gus, Hal Ibut, Bob Katz, Tom Katz, Anne Kelosaurous, Don Key, Ann T. Lope, Moe Lusk, C. Lyon, Chip Monk, Flo Mingo, Sal Mon, Anna Mull, Barr Nicole, Kay Nine, Kyle Otee, Al Paca, Lia Pard, Millie Pede, Ellie Phant, Arthur Podd, Jack Rabbit, Gerry Raffe, Ty Ranaceourous, Mack Rell, Wally Rus, Jack Russel, Fez Sant, Dina Sauer, Drew Sophila, Chris Station, Hal Steen, Clyde Sudale, Ann Teeter, Pan Ther, Earl Thurfworm, Tara Ann Tula, Bea Tule, Ray Venn, Bea Ver, and Beau Vine.

I couldn't have done it without your support !!!

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

http://www.reddit.com/r/buildapc/comments/1tnxio/my_kids_asked_for_a_gaming_computer_for_christmas/

The individual male Warlocks, try as they might, could not master the art of bringing back their counterparts and all seemed lost.

Then, two young Warlocks found that, by working together - one recreating the body while the other recreated the soul - they could bring them back to life from the very sand they died in.

It's crazy but they could finish each other's Sand Witches.

So, our professor was calling out names for attendance:

Professor: "Holly Brown?"

Holly: "Here."

Professor: "Xu Shuo?"

silence

Professor: "I guess we can all say that he's a no-Shuo...."

Facepalms and groans scattered across the room.

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

I am a representative from the r/PunPatrol and we have been seeing some of our officers have been arrested individuals on this server where in a peace treaty we have allowed Puns in this subreddit. We apologise for these rogue officers and have reported them to r/PunInternalAffairs . Thanks for understanding.

A girl was putting up a sign, and while she was putting the individual letters in, the letter "i" fell out.

A guy happened to see the letter dropping and jumped to stop it from hitting the ground.

He caught it and the girl was thankful that he did so, this led to one thing and another, and soon they were dating.

To him, she was so charming, when he asked if she was this charming to other guys, she said :

"No, you just happened to catch my I."

Let's say there was an individual that assassinated the husbands or wives of presidents by the means of a projectile weapon. Would said individual be a First-Person-Shooter?

My Dad and I were watching "Iron Man" on his truck's DVD player while he was driving me home. It cuts to a scene where someone was driving an Audi.

Dad: Ooh, that's a nice car.

Me: Meh, I don't like it.

Dad: You don't like the Audi?

Me: Nope.

Dad: Get out.

Me: You want me to get Audi your car?

Dad: ಠ_ಠ

The groan he emitted was magnificent.

Edit: Individuals seem to be upset about him occasionally watching while he was driving. I apologize if this offends anyone. I talked to him, and he says he will make sure to only watch when he is stopped/parked. I will make sure he does so. Thank you for the concern!

According to the dictionary: "the existence of an individual human being or animal"

Because he has ten-tickles

Mods, if this is against the rules, I apologize. Feel free to remove and I'll try and find better luck on Google.

I'm a middle school teacher and my 8th graders are graduating on Thursday. They've been a great, wonderful class to have, but they always complain about lame my jokes are. I feel that the most suitable way to send them off would be, either on the last day of class or at their graduation ceremony, would be to send them off with their own individual dad roast from me. (Think Norm MacDonald at the Bob Saget roast).

If anybody has any good dad roast jokes that won't get me fired nor get misconstrued for bullying, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

Guess I’m a level-headed individual

Obama's individual man-date threatened by a non-functioning Boehner.

Was working in the medical field today, helping a coworker put in 30ish individually wrapped syringes into a bag. They weren't put in the best orientation and required slight bit of pressure to close fully.

I told him to be careful even though there are caps on the syringes.

He responds: "I see your point."

I made some individual sized Apple pies today and offered one to my son.

Son: No thanks, I'm not a big apple pie fan.

Me: Well, these are small apple pies.

The other day I made lasagna for my family. Half of us love mushrooms while the other half hates them, so I usually make two.

Me (pointing to the individual ones): "That one has mushrooms and that one doesn't"

My dad got a sad look on his face when looking at the one w/o mushrooms and said, "Awh, this is terrible. I can't get the spatula in."

Me: "Why not?"

Dad: "There's not mush room in there"

We were looking at valentines stuff at Target with our baby. They had a stuffed monkey that came with those small, individual Reese's cups.

I had to point out that it was ^a^reeses^monkey