Asset Puns

It's my last resort!

Edit: changed "it was" to "it's"

..”Why did you buy so many DVDs of the same movie?”

Wife: How?

Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.

..but I can say they have a huge net worth.

His lie-ability.

Because he couldn’t liquidate any assets.

Oh? You thought it was because he was short-handed? Wow. That’s what you get for assuming.

((My wife gets annoyed because when I ask a lighthearted question I always multiple replies ready to go; so, if she gets it right the first time I just redirect with a different reply. Keepin’ her on her toes!))

Because they make a great asset.

A Car.

But he does think an asset is a little donkey.

My assets aren’t liquid, but they can be.

Does that mean I have frozen assets or cold hard cash?

https://bprassets.s3.amazonaws.com/blogfiles/assets/images/post/Body%20Pics/02-12-18_images/wooden-fence-with-two-pickets-missing.jpg

but for doctors they're an asset

So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

https://www.signaturebreads.com/assets/images/breads/thumbs/24025.png

IT supports your most important assets.

An asset.

Man, talk about a liquid asset.

I only invest in liquid assets.

But you shouldn't use them unless you want your assets frozen.

He lost interest.

I guess they had a lot of liquid assets

My manager sees me working late on the IM. MANAGER: burning the midnight oil? ME: yeah MANAGER: alright, good night and don't let the CAM bugs bite!

Because their assets are already frozen.

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.

"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"

Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumé I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."

That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"

Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"

"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."

Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.

Seems to fit in here, too!

http://assets.amuniversal.com/3e97cc3012ef0133f704005056a9545d