I used to own 3 ski lodges, one in the Alps, one in Aspen and one in France. When I got divorced the first 2 times, my exes each got a lodge as part of the settlement. The third marriage, I decided I needed a prenuptial agreement to cover my assets. It was all I could do!

It's my last resort!

Edit: changed "it was" to "it's"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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My financial advisor just told me, β€œI’m sorry to say, but all of your assets are Frozen.”

..”Why did you buy so many DVDs of the same movie?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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Divorce lawyer: I’m sorry to say, but all of your husband’s assets are Frozen.

Wife: How?

Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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I can’t say how much a YouTube stars assets add up to...

..but I can say they have a huge net worth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ngg13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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What's a con artist's greatest asset?

His lie-ability.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cl350rg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2017
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Why did the T-Rex need to borrow some cash?

Because he couldn’t liquidate any assets.

Oh? You thought it was because he was short-handed? Wow. That’s what you get for assuming.

((My wife gets annoyed because when I ask a lighthearted question I always multiple replies ready to go; so, if she gets it right the first time I just redirect with a different reply. Keepin’ her on her toes!))

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCVisNih
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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What has three letters and starts with gas?

A Car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/howiewu0402
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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Why do we have 2 butt cheeks?

Because they make a great asset.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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I recently invested in bouillon cubes.

My assets aren’t liquid, but they can be.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ibided
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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I’m not saying he’s dumb

But he does think an asset is a little donkey.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.

Does that mean I have frozen assets or cold hard cash?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgnosticIce6482
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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Why was this post removed?
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Patients is a virtue

but for doctors they're an asset

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alittlem
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.

So I sent him a card, β€œGet well soon.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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This sub doesn't have enough content

https://www.signaturebreads.com/assets/images/breads/thumbs/24025.png

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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The IT department is like a bra...

IT supports your most important assets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nimja_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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What do you call a valuable donkey?

An asset.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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Oh no, I left my credit card in my car, and it melted!

Man, talk about a liquid asset.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/99-bottlesofbeer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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If your house is flooded, contact me, I'll buy it.

I only invest in liquid assets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/piedssurmars
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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Why did the accountant dump his girlfriend?

He lost interest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MRBADWOLF89
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
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Wikipedia says there are only 2 atms in Antarctica.

But you shouldn't use them unless you want your assets frozen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Droopyk1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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I noticed someone comment that they hid all their money in their water bed mattress

I guess they had a lot of liquid assets

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tappyy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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I'm a developer for a software called CAM

My manager sees me working late on the IM. MANAGER: burning the midnight oil? ME: yeah MANAGER: alright, good night and don't let the CAM bugs bite!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_toro
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2014
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Why is it OK for an ice company to commit a fraud?

Because their assets are already frozen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrfurious_1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
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Like a demonic possession, this joke took a hold of me this morning and would not let go. I'm sorry.

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.

"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"

Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumΓ© I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."

That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"

Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"

"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."

Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Larny-Arny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
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Today's Foxtrot (x-post from /r/foxtrot)

Seems to fit in here, too!

http://assets.amuniversal.com/3e97cc3012ef0133f704005056a9545d

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MicCheck123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2015
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