Why did Snoop Dogg bring his umbrella outside?

Fo drizzle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jebnasty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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Security Guard: You can’t bring outside food in here.

Me: it’s a service burrito.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dohpaz42
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xTheAddy
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
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One year for my Mom's birthday, my Dad tied the presents he had gotten for her together, and stacked them. He then did this when bringing them outside to her. imgur.com/mwwY4DT
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dhoshino
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2013
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An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tonheatz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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When I found out my girlfriend was a father

About 7 years ago, I started working for a company named Shaw, and they gave me a bunch of shirts and a really ugly sweatshirt. I kept trying to give away the sweatshirt, but nobody wanted it. One day, I had a party, and somebody took the shaw shirt because they didn't bring a jacket and it was cold outside.

My girlfriend at the time said it was "The Shaw-Shirt Redemption".

I had never been more proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scamperly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2015
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Brother got us

While outside my brother's place talking about sawing a rusted part of an old charcoal grill: Me: "I could bring you guys up a jig saw" Brother: "That's ok, we have puzzles inside"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nippry
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2016
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Hey Dad, where did you park the car?

Outside. They wouldn't let me bring it in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/betchcakes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
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My co-worker dadjokes me every day. Here's a few of his finer ones.

I started working at a jewelry store two weeks ago. I just turned 24, and one of my new co-workers is about 50 years old and repairs jewelry that customers bring. He is a master of dad jokes.

  1. One day, I was windexing our glass displays.

Him: I recently started getting the urge to take my clothes off and run around all over the place. My buddy told me to try drinking Windex. It prevents streaking.

  1. Another time, it was almost closing time and we were getting bored.

Him: A man was walking his Great Dane and saw a pub. He said, "I'll go have me a drink or two," and tied the dog up outside.

A little while later another man comes in the pub and says, "Sir, is that your Great Dane out there? My dog just killed it."

"What kind of dog do you have?!"

"Chihuahua."

"You're telling me a chihuahua killed my dog?"

"Yea, he got stuck about right here." grabbing his throat

  1. Lastly, we were bored yet again at the end of another day, and he came up to me and another worker and says, "Did one of you lose a big wad of twenty dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?"

We looked at one another confused. "... No."

"Oh, because I had some good news... I found the rubber band." holding up a runner band

I like my new job.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amdawson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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Dad Joked by the Snail Mail

Mom: Did you bring in the mail?
Dad: Yes, but it's sitting outside. It's ant mail again.
Me: Ant mail?
Mom: There are sometimes ants in the mailbox.
Dad: They're living in the post holding up the mailbox.... You could say it's a post problem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rawles546
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
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