I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
What kind of horses only come out at night?
Why don’t you ever see normal houses at night?
Because they turn into warehouses
If we're not supposed to eat at night...
Why do they put a light in a fridge?
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?
I worked security at a chemical plant. There had been a string of robberies at nearby chemical plants, and one night... lo and behold- we heard the alarm...
My coworker and I tried to apprehend them but they were just too phosphorus…
Someone stole the toilet at the police station last night
Cops have nothing to go on
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself
Where the heck is the ceiling?
Sometimes late at night
I look up at the twinkling sky and whisper,
"You guys are the real stars."
The other night at dinner we were discussing the Apple/Hyundai teamup when...
...my oldest asks, "If they make an Apple Car, will it still have windows?"
I was so proud.
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
I lost my job at the salvation army soup kitchen last night.
All I said was hurry up some of us have homes to go to...
I had to reprimand my son for cutting up his dumplings at the Chinese restaurant last night.
I can't condone such wonton acts of destruction.
Someone stole the harnesses at the canine facility last night...
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
Cows have to stand all day and stand while sleeping at night
Their legs have to be pretty beefy to do that
What do bakers tell their children at night?
My wife says I snore at night so I conducted an experiment
I stayed up all night and I didn't snore once.
I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night...
What does the farmer say to the cows at night?
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
Edit: wow! My first Silver. You guys are amazing.
Why does the owl turn off it's phone at night?
So it doesn't get any hooty calls.
My wife was disappointed at my idea to put her shoes outside last night......
I thought I'd just put the Fila's out there
There was a big fight at the campground last night.
My dad would walk me to the bathroom when I was scared to pee at night...
Last night I was arguing to my wife about who should keep our children in the divorce and I got angry and threw some trifle at her
She ended up getting custardy
I told me therapist, “Last night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”
Therapist: I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.
Doctor Doctor! At night in my bed I keep saying lines from The Lord of The Rings
That's ok, you're just Tolkien in your sleep.
Last night, I got fed up at my wife criticizing my sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
I never really knew my dad. Mom said he would be out at the bank all night.
She said he was a real loaner.
What do you call people who only wear socks at night?
Did you hear about the guys that got drunk at a Trump rally last night?
They kept chanting “FOUR MORE BEERS!”
Which city goes up at night?
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
Red sky at night, shepherd's delight.
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself...
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
Last night, there was such an amazing stand-up comedian at the party that we decided to raise our glasses filled with alcohol to praise him.
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
Sat at the PC gaming last night and a bloody book hit me on the head!
I only have my shelf to blame!
I don't greet people at night
I make hey while sunshines
Did you hear about the fight at the seafood restaurant last night?
Battered Fish Everywhere!
They say there's a cryptid by the train station that drinks American whiskey late at night
But I'm sure that's just a bourbon legend.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I don't greet people at night.
I make hey while the sun shines.
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