That’s a number one dad
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
He nuts and bolts!
Edit: wow! My first Silver. You guys are amazing.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
I only have my shelf to blame!
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
Battered Fish Everywhere!
I make hey while the sun shines.
Recessed lighting!
It's not easy, but these days we all have to make concessions.
They were in tents
Because he was a Star-Skiin' Hutch.
She swung and missed (getting to "Pleading the fifth" before eventually ending up at "Salmon the fifth?").
Then my 5-year-old daughter asked, "What was the first word you said?" and when told it was "Pleading," she said, "It would be 'Pleading the FISH'!"
I've never been so proud of her.
It smelled good but it tasted like caarp.
...police are still looking for leads.
Because I love dark chocolate
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
Story tme: Last night, my family went to a fancy steak dinner to celebrate a bunch of stuff, and i was pulling my normal dad jokes, when I thought of the best one yet. So, i told everyone i thought of a great joke and was waiting for the steaks to arrive to tell it. They thanked me for warning them.
Cue steaks arriving and I pull an ice cube out of my glass of water and put it on my steak, saying:
Y'know, this is just icing on the steak!
It was in tents!
Source: facebook Dad Jokes
So i pushed her over.
Another day, another Dawn.
He felt right at home.
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.
Because “sun” upside down reads “uns”
And I grew strong and I learned a schoolless day is just so long. Go on now, go, walk out the door, please go to school now. 'Cause you're not welcome anymore. Weren't you the one, who each school day said goodbye? But now I think I'll crumble? And I'll lay down and die? Oh, no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey.
He was Satired'
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in.
Even between the laughing and joking, the women in front of me insisted that we swap places, so I could get mine first.
I thought to myself at last a decent punchline
With friends like that, who needs anemones?
Cool spreadsheets.
I’m not going to lie, his jokes were a little wooden. Boy...
I mite stay there again.
I now have a terminal hangover.
"I am", I said.
I read her r/dadjokes
They are late boomers.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
I just can't get over it
His good buoy couldn't save him.
It's pasture bedtime.
In the dusk-bin
They think it’s dark humour
But it turns out it wasn’t the cat’s pyjamas
... Just a blanket statement
Security Gourd
Pretty good band, five stars.
Because he sleeps in his crib tonight
He thinks it's a polkageist.
Might be quicker if I do it in the daytime too.
As it turns out we'd been using a squeegee board.
And through it all, he offered me protection!
I told her that sounds like a real catch titty two. She did not find it very funny.
"It wasn't me."
But I don’t lose any sleep over it.
It was a NightMare
I said don’t worry son, that thing is all bark. No bite.
Day.
Queso we needed some more.
.
I may have peaked with this one, guys.
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help.
Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life.
The teenager is shocked at how easy it was.
"Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!"
"It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
Then it dawned on me
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”
Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn”
Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
but idk, i’ve seen stranger things.
PURRR-jamas!
She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time. #prouddad
“My roof has disappeared”
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Me: "She won't Du et"
They really knew how to raise the roof.
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
It's just like cockwork!
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face.
Nobody does that to a woman.... not on my watch
The problem, however, is that there isn't enough light for the immigrants to find their way back to Mexico. Because of this, the Don institutes his "Early Light" plan in order to give the immigrants a way to see. One immigrant, Jose, is partially blind, so they are wondering if the "Early Light" program will still allow him to see. The ask him: Jose can you see by the Don's "Early Light."
A liar
All the ghosts booed at me.
They thought it was too dark.
Nightrogen
... half a dozen mean-looking tough and muscly guys approached us. The biggest of them said to me in a rough voice, "You're at our table. Get lost. Now."
My mate whispered to me, "Just pretend we're the police".
I thought this was a great idea. But >!I only got halfway through the first line of "Roxanne" before they started beating the crap out of us!<
But Bill Nye never showed. The surprise party was ruined.
I thought, “Same shit, different day.”
Another day, another Dawn.
It’s pasture bedtime.
It's pasture bedtime
It’s PASTURE your bedtime.
“My roof has disappeared.”
"Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"
Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am."
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
