Is it o.k. to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school...
....or, am I a really bad teacher ?
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︎ Dec 15 2020
I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
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︎ Jun 20 2020
Should I give it another stab or leaf it as is?
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︎ Jul 08 2020
I bought my son a car accessory as a surprise but my wife told him what is was before I gave it to him.
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︎ Nov 29 2020
The lift is from a company named Schindler...so itβs Schindlerβs Lift...is this set up as pun on the classic film Schindlerβs List? My head is spinning
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︎ Oct 11 2020
Las Vegas is known as βSin Cityβ, but which sin does it represent?
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︎ Sep 23 2020
What is it called when you die and are born again as a hillbilly?
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︎ Jun 26 2020
My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it is to do laundry.
Finally, I threw in the towel.
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︎ Jul 10 2020
In Germany, is it appropriate to refer to it as 21:00
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︎ Sep 27 2020
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
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︎ Sep 07 2020
My grandfatherβs broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
Itβs a timeless piece, really.
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︎ Jun 11 2020
I want to Express my daughter's age as a fraction 6/12, 9/12, 16/12 etc.. my wife is really upset about it.
In our house It's really causing some division
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︎ Apr 22 2020
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
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︎ Mar 15 2020
As we continue to deal with the mask wearing, social distancing and uncertainty through the coming weeks, we canβt lose sight of how important it is to continue taking these precautions.
As much as it sucks, itβs better to be safe than SARS-y
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︎ Apr 17 2020
The moment I learned that βphα»β is actually pronounced βfuh,β I knew the time was ripe to write a Google review for my all-time favourite phα» restaurant. (I guess this qualifies more as βracy wordplayβ than it does βpunnyβ?)
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︎ Jan 10 2020
Do you know what the last thing to go through a fly's brain is as it hits your windshield?
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︎ Mar 12 2020
In this time of crisis I believe it is our duty as a community to make a rapid respons team to help the rest of the world!
We will be known as the rapid respuns
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︎ Mar 13 2020
Facebook has over 2 billion users, That is as big as the whole of christianity, Forget that, it is bigger than hinduism and islam. Although facebookβs messenger is probably the worst.
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︎ Oct 13 2019
My new year's resolution is the same for 2020 as it was in 2019
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︎ Dec 30 2019
Sand is a combination of the words sea and land, as it is where they meet. You could say it is their ship name.
Courtesy of my friend who took more than the average amount of antidepressants
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︎ May 25 2018
This one made me proud as a dad. My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with it: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
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︎ Jul 10 2019
If you dress up as santa claus is it claus-playing?
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︎ Nov 12 2019
My job is telling genuine trees apart from fake trees. I was so worried I'd be bad at it but as it happens I'm quite good.
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︎ Sep 20 2019
The dog's name is Dali. It was between painting him as Muhammad Dali or the Dali Lama. The latter one won (2018 - 2.8m x 3m)
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︎ Feb 17 2019
I guess it really is cold as FΒ° in the U.S.
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︎ Feb 01 2019
You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round!
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︎ Apr 27 2019
Kermit the frog went to the bank to get a mortgage for a new lilypad. He walked up to the desk of loan officer Patricia Whack and placed a small porcelain statue of an angel on her desk asking if she would take it as collateral. "What is that?" she asked...
It's a knick knack, patty whack. Give a frog a loan?
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︎ Jul 08 2019
Why is it you never see a little person working as an accountant?
Because theyβre always coming up short.
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︎ Feb 14 2019
My last name is the same as my first name, never changed it.
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︎ Dec 09 2018
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 03 2018
What is it called when a fish works as a blacksmith?
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 08 2018
My wife and I had a huge argument as to who is supposed to take care of the laundry after itβs done.
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︎ May 19 2019
In Germany, discussing breakfast is as simple as seeing it... ei to ei.
(Punchline: ei = German for egg, and we know how commonplace eggs are at breakfast.)
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︎ Dec 20 2015
Does femail fraud carry the same sentences as mail fraud, or is it about 80% of the time sentenced?
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︎ Oct 02 2018
As a father, is it okay for me to refer to the plastic threaded flange which secures the silicone nipple onto the plastic baby formula bottle as the
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︎ Jan 17 2019
If there is a country that has rollercoasters as the main method of transportation, what is it called?
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︎ Mar 22 2018
As a solider, my first instinct when I see trouble is to run to it, but my Sargent always tells me....
...that before I can run, I need to learn to March first.
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︎ Mar 01 2018
What does a little walnut say as it is growing up
Gee I'm a tree (geometry)
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︎ Oct 02 2018
A mother is opening the mail at home one night. She began adamantly reminding him they were out of baby powder as sheβs tearing into their bank statement. When she sees it, she marches to the father sitting in his chair and says βWhat is this $730.88 spent at the Treasure Chest, Donny?!β
All he said was βI donβt know what youβre talcum βbout.β
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︎ Jul 28 2018
When butchering an animal it is best to use as much of it as possible.
If not that's just a huge missed steak
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︎ Nov 19 2017
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︎ Mar 29 2017
Not so much a joke as much as it is fatherly appreciation. Throwback from my teens
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︎ Jul 07 2016
My bathroom is under construction and my dad thought it'd be funny to put this as a temporary wall
imgur.com/a/cPo1x
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︎ Nov 11 2013
What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?
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︎ May 15 2019
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