My 5 year old told me this today - Dad, how does a farmer count all his animals in the barn?
A Chinese stand up comedian was half way his set when all the lights went out. He told the crowd to put all their hands in the air and wave. As by a miracle the lights came back on. ...
...'' You see? Many hands make light work.''
My friends all laughed at me when I told of my plans to teach sheep to express emotions like humans...
Fools. Look ewes laughing now.
Why did the guy who told bad jokes all the time smell bad?
He was... pungent.
Thank you I'll be here all week /bow
As one of the biggest fruit farmers in the country, I owe all of my success to my dear dad. I grew up as a kid who was scared of everything, and my dad always told me to
a farmer drove his son into the market and dropped him off with $100. he told his son not to buy anything except for a cow. if he couldn't afford a cow, he should use the money to get a taxi home. the son sent pics to his dad all day of the ones he thought were good until his phone died.
he just got the most expensive one he could afford for $99.99. he asked to use the cow vendors phone to call his dad. the vendor replied "sure, for $5". the kid worked out a deal to send one text with one word for one cent. he sent his dad: "comfortable"
The park ranger told me that he would donate all the pennies, nickles, and quarters thrown into the wishing well to my charity.....
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he never gave me a single dime!
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
My mom's new husband told me a joke about stairs that wasn't all that funny
I didn't relate to it.
Hey, I guess you could say it was a step dad joke.
On more than one level.
I know that I've told y'all this before, but after not turning in his assignments and not coming to class all school year...
I purchased a new kitchen sink and the delivery man never told me he left in on my doorstep. Sat there all day
My son never does his laundry so one day I got fed up and told him "If you don't start cleaning your clothes I'm going to leave you all my dirty clothes in my will!"
Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry
I asked all the countries in the world if they wanted to throw a party. All of them told me they can't because of covid.
Only one was like "Yemen"
I was watching my son play a Zelda game and I told him it's more effective to lose your health during the summer and winter seasons. He looked at me all confused and asked why? I told him it's because...
that way you won't take any fall damage.
My daughter was all worked up, and I told her to relax. She screamed "I can't!!!".
So I asked her if she could lax again.
After all my travel in 2020 was cancelled, I'm now facing the COVID reality that my Spring Break trip is not going to happen either. I just told my suitcases this sad fact...
...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
I was told to stop with all the Thanksgiving jokes...
...but I just couldn't quit cold turkey.
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secret of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
All my crabs were pissed at me after I told them I must cook and eat them...
I told my wife I thought all cats were out to get me
She said “Don’t be silly, you’re just purranoid”
My sister in law told me a time traveling joke I was gonna share with ya all..
Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.
Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...
My Dad once told me this: "People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven."
"They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?"
My wife asked how I keep track of all my dadjokes from Reddit. I told her that I write the ones I like on little yellow...
One of my students told me that all of his classmates are turning into Batman because of Covid
They are all either wearing a mask or their parents are dead.
All day long my cat lazes around the house, saying he is hurt. I told him to quit being a hypochondriac
but he just keeps saying "me ow"
I told my son, "Have you heard that they're shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can't eat?"
"Canteens?" he asked.
"No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
To reduce waste, our city has told food truck drivers they must donate all unsold items each night.
I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask...
How much food would a good truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?
With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.
He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."
Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."
Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."
"She became a little spore addict."
My dad was glad when I told him all the people who would be on his roasting panel...
I told my wife that I’m going to arrange all the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.
She said, “Where would you find the time?”
I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”
Someone once told me they loved absolutely all kinds of bedding.
It was a real blanket statement.
They all ways told me I couldn't make a joke about tape measurers
They told me I'd never measure up
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
When my grandpa got sick, the doctor told us to smear lard all over his backside every day...
He went downhill really fast after that.
My middle school once had an anti-bulling activity and our teacher all told us "If you see something, say something!"
The blind kid didn't say a word for the rest of they school year.
When I told my friend I had decided to shave all my hair, he looked me in tge eyes and said:
My financial advisor just told me, “I’m sorry to say, but all of your assets are Frozen.”
..”Why did you buy so many DVDs of the same movie?”
Did you hear the one the Doctor told all his patients who were recovering from surgery?
They were all in stitches
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I told my teen daughter to invite all the boys she texts over for Thanksgiving...
We're gonna call it a Friends-zone-giving.
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
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