As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
Why do racecar drivers put their seats all the way back?
They need plenty of
KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Edit: Thanks for the silver, friends! You sure know how to make a feller feel stellar
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized...
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
Why did the Dragonborn climb all the way to High Hrothgar?
He wanted to know what all the Fus was all about.
I once went on a date that ended with me and the girl sleeping together. After sex she lit a cigarette and told me me all about her hobby: collecting roadkill and pinning it to her wall. Well, there's no way I could see her after that...
Smoking is such a turn off.
Are you gonna pull it all the way out?
What did the audiologist say after turning up the sound all the way.
Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.
He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
Someone forced me to watch a horror movie about clowns by punching me all the way to the cinema.
Carol wanted to make some cash so she tried to sell cookies, but they weren’t even cooked all the way...
What a half-baked attempt at making dough.
All the way from TerrE Haute, IN
Im sad because someone broken the elevator by rearranging all the buttons in a random way
Is just wrong on so many levels
Even though he had an extreme fear of heights, why did the butcher resolve to climb all the way up the ladder?
The steaks were too high.
I’m tired of all the creative ways to name Vietnamese soup restaurants.
It’s become a Pho King joke.
I like how they light the Olympic torch near Athens, then it stays lit all the way to the opening ceremony.
I guess it's hard to put out a Greece fire.
I took a group of flat-earthers on a cruise all the way around Antarctica...
they were disappointed, but it wasn’t the end of the world.
when i relize lays doesnt fill their bags all the way
I start to think they're Lays-y
The store had a TV on sale super cheap, but the volume was stuck all the way up.
I went to a garage sale and saw a radio for 1$ that had its volume stuck all the way up.
So I said "I guess I can't turn that down!"
I just said 'no comment' all the way through the Police interview......
it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.
What is an efficient way to count all the X-men?
Action words such as give, take, obey and untie are all said the same way.
I've heard fish tell a lot of different stories but they all end the same way
My dad is the most dad jokingest person on earth. This morning he had a heart attack. He's stable and was making dad jokes all the way to the hospital. I need your best of the best jokes for me to tell him when he gets out of surgery.
One way to solve the current water shortage is to integrate all Amazon Prime accounts.
According to Calculus, we will get an Amazon, plus a sea.
So I'm at the store today, and I've gathered my items. I head for the checkout to pay for all of my stuff, while on my way there, I see a guy acting a little strange, but I continue on my way.
I set my items on the counter, and the cashier starts ringing them up one after another while I wait patiently. I notice the guy in line behind me a few people still acting a little weird, antsy is how I would describe it.
Anyways, the cashier snaps me out of my thoughts by telling me my total and as I go to reach for my wallet, I see the guy dashing out the door.... as in transfixed on his fleeing image, my hand reaches my pocket and I realize he's stolen my wallet!
I make a mad dash for him, chasing him down in the middle of the parking lot. He reaches his vehicle at the other end and as he hops in, I catch up to him and I'm
able to grab his leg. I start pulling his leg and pulling his leg harder and harder trying to get him out.
I keep pulling his leg very similarly to how I've been pulling your leg for the last minute.
All Pokemon trainers take their eggs the same way
All the even streets in my town are one way
But the odd ones are just strange.
I'm giving away a brand new television. Problem is, volume is all the way up and can't be changed.
"Can't turn that down."
(Stolen from Gus Johnson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-w0h3g07aE )
What did the French little piggy say all the way home?
"Wee Wee Wee"
No, that's what the American little piggy said. The French little piggy said "Yes Yes Yes"
With all the winter weather on its way, the road is really salty...
I guess it's gotten sick of people walking all over it.
Came up with this one while watching The X Files: how did the tiger make it all the way across town without being spotted?
It was easy because tigers are striped. I'm so sorry...
So I had to go all the way to Japan for a doctor's appointment.
The doctor didn't speak much English, but after he examined me for a few minutes, he said "You got Ed Zachary disease" I said, "Doctor, what the heck is Ed Zachary disease?" He replies "It simple. You face look Ed Zachary rike you ass."
I bought a remote that can work all the way to space!
Now I can finally watch Satellite TV
It's a family tradition to watch Jingle All The Way every year....
Me: "Is Phil Hartman the one who was killed by his wife?"
Mom: "Yup."
Dad: "Shot him right in the heart, man."
Mom (genuinely): "Did she really?"
my sister, dad, and I just started cracking up.
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
As i get older and remember all the people ive lost along the way, I think...
maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...
maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
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