Aisled Puns

He took a leek

...Colby

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

“Excuse me, could you help me?” I asked.

He grunted in response, barely looking at me.

“Um, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”

He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, “Do we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.

I took a fence.

From an email my cousin sent me:

I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.

I was kidnapped by mimes, they did unspeakable things to me.

The finest shoes are made of smooth leather, my opinion will never be suede.

A perfectionist walked into a bar - apparently it wasn't set high enough.

Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He's in ICU.

Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle" ... it really was a vile inn.

To the thief who stole my glasses, I will find you - I have contacts.

If any of you knows how to fix hinges my door is always open.

Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.

Cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.

If your guy doesn't appreciate fresh fruit puns let that mango.

A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like "Watt"?

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me, I was like "What the hellman?"

Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, back.

Due to the quarantine I'll only be doing inside jokes.

She said, “Dad, we are grocery shopping.”

You could say I completely wiped out.

The pastor told me to get out, as I was blocking the aisle.

Aisle B, back

They call it the Universal Cereal Bus.

You know Erin, I keep giving you away but they keep giving you back

Where can you find weapons of mass destruction in Walmart?

In aisle 8

Because it's volatile.

Picking his nose!

I was Ruthless in my pursuit.

Me: (tightening my black belt) I don’t know but he must be pretty strong.

So long, suckers!

Everyone at the frozen food aisle started freaking out though.

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

"Cause I'm, stuck in the middle of hues~"

I was at the grocery store with my teenage brother and when we went through the produce aisle he turned to me and said " Something about this aisle makes me feel like a guy who's been in a coma for the last 20 years trying to figure out the slang he missed" " What?" You know, because that's some rad ish" I've never been prouder.

... But what kind of stocking stuffer do you get a stuffing stocker?

When my wife and I shop, she tends to go up and down the aisles, and I'll take a few trips to get hamburger, fish, whatever. So we're checking out and she notices I grabbed a pack of sausages.

"Wow that's a lot of sausages."

"Yeah, they were on sale. Super cheap."

"Sweet!"

"...actually, they're hot."

grinning intensifies

"LAME! OH THAT WAS LAME!"

maximum grinning

For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.

I told him plenty of times to tag a telly but he kept rushing off to the pasta aisle

He responded, “Aisle B, Back”

Edit: wow first silver!!!! Thank you 🙏🏾 anonymous Redditor!

Edit2: my wife doesn’t use reddit. She’s thoroughly enjoying the responses to the joke in the joke jar she created for me and the silver (“whatever those are”). Happy Father’s!

Edit3: https://imgur.com/gallery/5G25Flw wife got me a nice gift 🎁

Shopping-

Me: Hey, is gnocchi vegan?

Dad: Of course it is! It's got gno-cheese!

Then a World Market employee four aisles away completely bowled over laughing, literally hooting and hollering. My dad has been strutting around all proud of his joke all day. I don't think I can ever go back there.

At the grocery store guy gets on the PA and announces "reminder, we've got a great sale in the produce department. Red grapes, green grapes, and black grapes all on sale for 99 cents/pound. It's a great deal"

So I turned to the lady next to me in the frozen aisle and said "more like a... Grape deal"

She just gave a small snort and rolled her eyes...

I think aisle tell it later

Can I swap you for the aisle seat?

It said he was a stocker.

"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."

A wrecked aisle dysfunction.

She said: "Dad, we are grocery shopping."

Aisle B, Back

Aisle B, back!

Aisle B. Back