To the Aisle Puns

...Colby

You could say I completely wiped out.

She said, “Dad, we are grocery shopping.”

So long, suckers!

... But what kind of stocking stuffer do you get a stuffing stocker?

I told him plenty of times to tag a telly but he kept rushing off to the pasta aisle

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

He responded, “Aisle B, Back”

Edit: wow first silver!!!! Thank you 🙏🏾 anonymous Redditor!

Edit2: my wife doesn’t use reddit. She’s thoroughly enjoying the responses to the joke in the joke jar she created for me and the silver (“whatever those are”). Happy Father’s!

Edit3: https://imgur.com/gallery/5G25Flw wife got me a nice gift 🎁

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

“Ab rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked “birthday,” and said:

“Pick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

I work at a hardware store and this guy comes in looking for bolts, so I take him over to where we have our bulk screws/bolts etc. I then ask the guy,

"What size bolt are you looking for?"

"1/4"

"And how long would you like it?"

"Oh well I'd like it forever if that's possible."

Cue laughter from the both of us and groans from my boss in the next aisle.

Edit: making things make more sense

(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]

This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.

My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.

Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"

Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.

After a few seconds, he says to me "Just spray yourself down with Windex. It prevents streaking. Have a nice day!"

He grins and walks away. I started laughing (a little too hysterically ... mostly because of relief).

The flight attendant asked "Window or aisle?"

To which I replied "Window or you'll what?"

As he was about to walk her down the aisle, she turned to him, wiped away a tear, and said, "Can you believe this day has come?"

The dad turned to his daughter and said, "I always knew this day would come, but I never thought you'd get married on it."

I've been flying out of O'Hare Airport in Chicago, and I park in the economy lot. A section of the lot is just completely infested with rabbits. I was pulling into the section and 5 rabbits run accross the aisle, and I think to myself "That must be why they call this O'HARE Airport!" Unfortunately I was alone.

A few days ago, my friend went to one of those outdoor gear shops, looking for a few things to prepare her for a canoe trip she was going to take. While there, her mom wandered away into the next aisle over. My friend sees her mom leave, looks at her dad and asks, "What is mom doing in the tent aisle?" Her dad responds, "Shopping for a dress."

When the flight attendant says that she needs a verbal yes from those sitting in the exit aisle if they are willing to participate. I hear this middle aged dad behind me. "Verbal Yes"

• I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

• I went up to the airport information desk. I said "How many airports are there in the world?"

• I hate fat girls who use the excuse "oh the camera adds 10lb" Well, stop eating cameras then.

• At the check-in desk the girl said, ''Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''Window seat or you'll what? Are you threatening me?''

She said, ''No, calm down. Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''l'll have a seat.''

• When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

• A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said: "All right, but we won't get much done"

• Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don't live in New York City.

• Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

• British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

Jim was working hard sawing wood. It was hot, his hands slippery with sweat and the saw slipped from his fingers and cut off all of his toes. No ambulences were available so he called a toe truck, but he got there too late. His toes could no longer be reattached. He could not walk right, so he could not work. He got workers comp but it wasn't enough. Worst of all, his wife was lack toes intolerant. She filed for separation. He looked online for solutions to his problems and found a post telling him where he may find an answer. It said "Go to the forest late at night and wait in the glade. There you will find the Great Toed. He is wise in these matters." Having nothing to lose he followed the instructions and reached the glade spoken of. There was a line drawn that said "wait here." And wait he did for over an hour, and just as he was about to leave, a many toed toad toed the other side of the line with a bag in tow. "Ask your question," it said in a raspy voice. So Jim related his tale of toe woes. After listening the many toed toad replied "Have you tried the supermarket?" Jim wondered how a supermarket would help but decided to give it a try. He went the next morning and walked down aisle after aisle and then he found it: The supermarket was giving away free toes. Elated, he grabbed as many bags of them as he could and checked each one. He found enough that fit, but needed to attach them. He went back to the glade for help getting the new toes attached, and the toad was happy to help. He helped attach the new toes and jim ran off (little did Jim know that the toad croaked soon after) He was able to walk normal again, his wife came back, he got his job back and everyone lived happily ever after.

Oh the punch line? It's over there by the table.

He runs ahead of me, stops, turns around, and stands there waiting for me to catch up.

"I just got a great preview...of you walking down the aisle to me."

Gonna make a great dad someday.

I was at the grocery store with my teenage brother and when we went through the produce aisle he turned to me and said " Something about this aisle makes me feel like a guy who's been in a coma for the last 20 years trying to figure out the slang he missed" " What?" You know, because that's some rad ish" I've never been prouder.

The kids were probably around 8-12 years old. They all go the sweet aisle and start looking at the chocolate etc. The father picks up a bag of M&Ms and says to his kids:

"Hey, want some Slim Shadys?"
They give him a funny look. He looks again and notices that they're 2 for £1.
"50 Cent for some Eminems? That's Ludacris!"
Cue another look from the kids.
"I'll pay for them though, it's no Biggie."

I'll admit, I chuckled.

I was grocery shopping with dad on a busy day, lot's of people in the grocery store. We were in the fruit aisle when my dad called for me out loud, I turned around and saw my dad holding two melons to his chest

"Son, look at my melons" while laughing at his own joke. You could se people smile from the dad joke

It was his only way to visit the emerald aisle

My girlfriend and I were standing in the bread aisle at Safeway, browsing the local bread selections. One of the lone bags in the rack shifted oddly by itself and almost fell out of the rack hanging halfway off. My girlfriend noted that it looked like it was trying to jump off so I said. "No, don't jump! You have your whole loaf ahead of you!"

I'll preface this by mentioning I'm 5'5".

At the grocery store this afternoon I couldn't reach the very last of the strawberry Yop pushed wayyyy back on the very top shelf in the refrigeration aisle, so I basically had to drop my basket and scale the damn thing to reach the last three bottles. Tall guy near me observes this.

Tall guy: Can I give you a hand? Me: Actually I could use a couple of feet.

I came home and told my husband. He looked at me and said "And you're actually proud of yourself!" Haha!

When my wife and I shop, she tends to go up and down the aisles, and I'll take a few trips to get hamburger, fish, whatever. So we're checking out and she notices I grabbed a pack of sausages.

"Wow that's a lot of sausages."

"Yeah, they were on sale. Super cheap."

"Sweet!"

"...actually, they're hot."

grinning intensifies

"LAME! OH THAT WAS LAME!"

maximum grinning

We were grocery shopping and we're in the canned bean aisle:

Me: do you see any chilly beans? Him: No....they all look pretty warm to me.

I think it's finally time even if he keeps denying it. He's ready

I was grocery shopping with my parents today and my mum asked me to run and get her skim milk. So I went to the aisle and grabbed the carton that wasn't full cream milk (I wasn't really paying much attention). When I came back she looked at me and said "myknees, this is half-skimmed milk. Isn't there anymore skim milk?"

I then replied to her "Oh, I must have skimmed right past it."

She let out a long sigh and told me to get the milk while I had a sensible chuckle.

I told him I would meet him in the deli because I needed to get food from a different section. We come out of the aisle, right where the packaged meats are (ground beef, sirloins, chicken, etc.) and turn in separate directions. I look at them and notice right away that the overhead lights are on them are not lit. I yell, "Hey, John! John!" and he looks back at me. I point to them and say, "Dark meat". He looks at me confused, looks at them for a second. He then goes "Aaawwwww!" and throws his hat on the ground.

I'm known for my puns, so his reaction was all the better.

A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance.

Despite the scene his son was causing, the father was cool and collected, slowly and calmly saying, "Don't worry, Donald. It'll be alright, Donald, we'll be home soon."

A nearby mother was very impressed with the father's self control, and wanted to express her gratitude for such calm parenting. "Sir, I'm amazed that you are able to be so calm! It's not every day I see such patient and gracious parenting. Now little guy, what seems to be the problem, Donald?"

"Oh no, ma'am, you're mistaken!" The father interjected, "This is my son, Henry. I'm Donald!"

^(Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there! Thank you for all you do.)

Sorry, but I need to vent!! So I went to Target to get some clearance Halloween stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me in the same aisle I was in. No biggie. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again... STARING! So now I'm like, What is her problem?! I finish up my shopping and head to the check out line. Of course who is there ahead of me but this same lady. She turns around and starts staring again. So I start playing with my phone b/c I'm getting a little uncomfortable. Finally she says "I want to apologize for staring at you, but you look just like my son who just passed away." I felt really bad after that and gave her my condolences. She says "Thank you...but I have a favor to ask. I know it's weird and understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama' to me?" Inside I was like buuuuh?!??!, but understanding grief the way that I do, I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves. The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to $100.87. I knew something wasn't right, because it should have been like $40 or so. The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my mom's. I'm like, "What?!!!" She said, "Your mom said you were paying for her last few items along with your things. I told her that the woman was most definitely NOT my mom. She said, well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama. I'm like OMG...I flew out of the store looking for this horrible person, ready to drag her back in, I see her loading up her car! She saw me and jumped in her car, I got to her as she was putting her leg in, and I started pulling her leg hard enough that her wooden leg came off!! Omg how is this happening right now?! So I grabbed her other leg and started pulling! Just like I'm pulling yours right now!

We were walking over to the check out aisles.

Clerk: Are you all ready to go?

Dad: I think we should pay first.

To set the scene I am in a Walgreens, specifically the shampoo/body wash aisle.

Employee knocks a few bottles of shampoo on the floor

Employee: "Whoops, how clumsy of me."

Me: "At least the bottles aren't glass, that would have been a lot worse."

Employee: "Yeah, that's true."

Me: "Although if they were glass clean-up would've been pretty easy because there would be soap all over the floor."

Employee pity laughs

Best trip to Walgreens ever.

So my co-worker and I were near the Ladders and Step Stools aisle and she asked me:

Co-Worker: Hey, could you take this box and put it on top of the shelf please?

Me: Sure but I'll need that ladder over there or a step stool. Preferably the latter since it's closer.

Then she goes and takes a ladder and brings it to me.

Co-Worker: Here ya go!

Me: That's not what I asked for.

Co-Worker: B.. But you said you wanted a ladder didn't you?

Me: Did I?

Co-Worker: You said you wanted the ladder because it was... Oh I see. Rolls eyes

When I saw these pens and pointed out to my fiancé how pointless they are. Everyone in the aisle groaned.

http://imgur.com/hhj2KNl

As I stare at the cheese aisle, I'm trying to decide what looks Gouda for my Munster appetite— each cheese goating me to choose it. The truth is, I don't know Jack about cheese selection. But then I realize I Havarti made my choice. I'll go with cheddar, because it has Provolone-standing favorite of mine. Now I better stop this Brie-fore it gets too cheesy.

True story—happened today. Hardy har harlsberg.

He was walking behind me through the store and I noticed that he wasn't replying in conversation so I turned around and he wasn't there. I went to look for him and as I'm walking down an aisle and all of a sudden he comes around the corner at the end of the aisle with a Darth Vader helmet (no voice changer but he made it work) and he says "I am your father!" I could not stop laughing, happy birthday Dad.

Dad and I would be innocently walking around the food store and happen upon the prepared foods aisle when he would notice the Hamburger Helper boxes. He'd laugh to himself, just thinking about the lame joke he always tells before it even comes out of his mouth.

"What do you call a masturbating cow?!"

Normally the way a joke works is you wait for someone to interact with you, answer your question or at least acknowledge that you're telling a joke - not my dad. He yells at himself at the top of his lungs.

"BEEF STROGANOFF!! ...MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Really loudly. Way louder than any person should ever speak indoors. ..I miss him.

I was walking down an aisle scanning prices and all that jazz and a customer comes up to me and asks:

Customer: "Hi sir, do you know where I can find a wall plug?

Me: "A wall plug? What do you mean?"

Customer: "You know that thing you put on the screw for better support? Do you know what I'm talking about?"

Me: "Yeah, they'll be right here" I told him while we were walking to where they were.

Customer: "OH! So how do you call them?"

I couldn't remember the name of it so I told him "I don't call them. Unfortunately, they don't have phone numbers."

The look he gave me was like he was disappointed and amused at the same time.

At the grocery store guy gets on the PA and announces "reminder, we've got a great sale in the produce department. Red grapes, green grapes, and black grapes all on sale for 99 cents/pound. It's a great deal"

So I turned to the lady next to me in the frozen aisle and said "more like a... Grape deal"

She just gave a small snort and rolled her eyes...

A blind person and his seeing eye dog go to a Walmart. Standing in aisle 5, he suddenly grabs the dog and hurls it around above his head a couple of times.

This naturally causes a commotion and the floor manager comes running.

"What are you doing!?" he demands, in a rather accusing way.

The blind man goes "Oh, just looking around"...

My mum was going through the products, and then turns to me and says, "How about we get ant sand?"

From the other aisle I hear my dad yell out "Ants and what?"

We're at the grocery store in the produce aisle. My dad turns to me and goes, "Where do they keep the criminal apples?"

"..."

"In the CONduce aisle."

Queue hearty laughing.

She said: "Dad, we are grocery shopping."