Got a good deal on Cybertron Monday
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
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Telling my dad about a good deal I saw at Costco

Me: "Dad, there's a really good deal on fertilizer at Costco. You should go check it out, it's super cheap."

Dad: "would you say it's dirt cheap?"

groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sittininthemitten
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2015
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I just found a trampoline for sale.....

the deal was so good that I had to jump on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/margraves
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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There were two friends and one of them wanted to open up a gelato shop.

When the friend finally got the location to run the shop he tried to get some experienced and dedicated employees. However, he soon realized that all the good employees for a gelato shop were already working at some nearby locations. So he had to deal with some mediocre people who didn’t care that much about gelatos. Then a day before the opening of the shop the person who was supposed to provide the materials for the gelatos called in as sick. Finally there were also some teenagers who decided to steal some of the decorations.

When the friend told this story the other friend then said,

#β€œMan, you have gelat of problems.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatGuy3036
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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My balding grandfather told me that there was an adept wigmaker at the mall.

The wigmaker offered me a good deal that I was willing toupee for.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatchOutItsAdam
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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Sent my dad a nearby dive photo of sea lions in kelp & told him it made me officially excited to do local/non-tropical dives... his reply?

Well, that seals the deal!

It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NePasToucher
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.

I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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So I go the butchers and there’s a special on. 8 legs of venison for Β£50.

Is that a good deal or is it just two deer?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CYBERSson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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Why can't Jesus play centre-back?

He's not too good at dealing with crosses.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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I bought subway tickets from a scalper...

It was a farely good deal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
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A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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I drove past a sign that said watch for children

Sounds like a pretty good deal

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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So I dadjoked the hell out of my dadjoking boss

My boss is a good guy and a good boss, but he always says the same 5 or so jokes (he has two young kids). Anytime he pulls up to a job that we've been working on its "you aren't done yet?" or its "great job, but why are they upside down". Every time someone walks up to a job they get a loud "shhhh, here they come". I can go on and on, he has comedy routines for almost every situation.

So that's what I have to deal with.

Last weekend he took a mini-vacation, and brought me back a bottle of hot sauce (I'm something of a heatseeker) and the bottle was layer with all sorts of sexual innuendo that it'll get you hard and great at sex.

The other day I send him a text message around lunch time that only said "I have to go to the emergency room." Not 30 seconds pass and I get a phone call from him.

Boss: "What happened?"

Me: "Well, this morning I put some of that hot sauce you gave me on my eggs, and I've had an erection lasting more than four hours."

Boss: dryly "Ha. Ha. Haaa."

Meanwhile my coworker is dying of laughter and I'm trying to keep it together.

I've told everyone about this the past couple days.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ejh3k
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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I just texted my dad because I found a spider web in my computer

He said "Good, then your software will be bug free."

Bonus pic of said web. I'm open to advice on how to deal with it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oOWildWeaselOo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
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Why was the roof salesman so bad at his job?

He wasn't very good at ceiling the deal

Edit: a word

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chelseadaggered
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2016
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30 Skeleton puns. Can you handle the skull rattling mayhem?

The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.

The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.

The Duke of Dance: help.

Sans: I gotta write these down.

The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit

The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.

Sans: I find this humerus.

The Duke of Dance: damn

The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.

The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.

Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.

The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.

The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.

The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.

The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.

Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?

The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.

Sans: That was alright.

The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?

The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.

The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop

Sans: I'm having a pun time.

The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.

The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.

The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.

The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.

The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.

The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?

Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?

The Duke of Dance: Do

The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?

The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.

Sans: I don't see any arrows.

Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.

The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.

Sans: Have you any backbone?

The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.

The Duke of Dance: :3

Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER

The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?

The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.

The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.

Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.

The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2015
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In some parts of the world an AK-47 costs the equivalent of a chicken.

Which is a pretty good deal for those on a poultry wage.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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My wife dadjoked me good this morning

Dealing with a potentially sick four month old, trying to decide if he's got a cold or allergies.

Me: "Has his snot been clear or colored?"
Wife: "It hasn't been colored."
Me: "Well that's good, it's probably just allergies, then."
Wife: "Yeah, I guess you could say we're... in the clear."

I just looked at her in shock as she gave me the smuggest grin and a thumbs up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePaisleyKid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
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The Dictator

So here's the setup: I recently started working for a taxi cab company. It's surprisingly lucrative, and a shitload better than McDonalds.

So I'm working, and I'm parked in front of a bar, hoping that a fare is gonna knock on my window, when about twenty feet or so in front of me, I see a very good friend of mine. I shout, and we spend the next few minutes shooting the breeze. A fare knocks on my window, and I driver her to where she needs to go.

After, I'm driving back to that bar, and I get a call from my friend, asking if I had another fare lined up. I didn't so he told me to come back, he's got a group for me. They get in the car, and these guys start bugging the shit out of me. Which I can handle. What I can't handle is when they start dealing each other cocaine in my back seat. At that point, I'm just livid. I tell them to give me my money and get the fuck out of my car.

Later, I chat my friend up on Facebook. I tell him that I'm super-grateful that he got me a fare, but to please not ever put those particular assholes in my car again. And since our relationship is built on surreal humor and snark, I start expanding the list. Those assholes. Colombian drug lords. Justin Beiber. Kim Jong-Un. Please, no Korean dictators.

"But what about a penis-shaped potato?"

I'll admit, that one threw me for a loop. But I tell him that potatoes are fine, regardless of shape, size, color, or type.

At that point, I could almost hear him laughing as he typed "Excellent. Instead of a dictator, I'll send you with a dick tater."

I was so pissed off I had walked straight into that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoldierOfTruth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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Oldie but goodie

The scene: Day after Thanksgiving, been browsing black friday deals on my phone all day.

Me: Hey, that's cool, they've got Updoc on sale for 15 bucks.

Her: Updoc? What's Updoc?

Me: Not much, what's up with you?

Can't believe I actually pulled it off, she wouldn't speak to me for a good half-hour after that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drdewrell
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Went to the store with my roommate today.

Me: You know, this lemonade is a pretty good deal, but only if you get three cases of it. And I don't want to take up that much room in the pantry.

Roommate: It's a dilemmonade.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
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Got my wife today while reading a Burger King ad.

Me: "Hey, you can get 2 Whopper Jrs and 2 small fries for 4 bucks. That's a good deal I guess."

Wife: "Well, it's kinda just like a dollar menu.

Points to each item "Buck, buck, buck, buck."

Me: "Nah, that's the chicken."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bostonbedlam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2016
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With my cousin

My cousin just started his job at a dealership. I met him at the bar afterwork. Him and a couple of his friends were playing rummy when I arrived. It soon became his turn to shuffle and deal. After he dealt out the hands, he showed me his cards since I wasn't playing.

Cousin: "I dealt out a terrible hand."

Me: "That you did. Good thing you don't work at a dealership."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_of_Dorks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2016
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My SO flipped my dad-joke back on me.

I was looking at a Ford Ranger on Craig's List and showed her pictures that made the truck look like a good deal until the final picture suddenly showed half the backend was missing.

"Stop looking at trucks you can't afford!"

"But I CAN 'Ford!"

"No you can't, and you can't Chevy either."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustang1718
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2015
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Speeding Ticket

So I went Black Friday shopping this morning and on my drive back home I got pulled over. I called my dad to break the news to him.

Dad: Did you get any great deals out there? Me: Not really. In fact, it was really expensive. I just got a $145 ticket for speeding. Dad: Wow. I've never heard of anything like that. That doesn't sound like a good deal to me. Me: I know. Talk about an expensive mistake. Dad: No, I've never heard of the band "speeding" and there is no way they are good enough for me to pay $145 dollars to see them. Hahahahaha

Dad humor is 1000x's better than yelling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nwilso9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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Dadjoked my friends at a house party.

My friend was having a house party with about 15-20 of our group of friends. The music was pumping everyone was drunk , hyper and we were all in her living room having a great time. On top of the fireplace was this little elephant ornament.

So I gathered everyone around, turned the music off and made a big deal of making it seem like I had something really important to say. I completely killed the mood but all in the name of a good joke, amiright? I say, with as straight a face as I can manage, "Listen, I know we're all friends here but I think its time we all talk about the elephant in the room... It's right over there on the fireplace".

Cue groans and a few laughs. Mostly groans though... So worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/googitygig
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
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I think he's ready.

Was complaining to a newly married buddy about how a couple of other dudes were using fairly cheap equipment for a particular job when he starts going on the defensive-

"Hey! Some people can only afford the goodwill stuff."
"I guess.."
"You can get some nice deals there. You hear about the sale at the farewell store?"
"No..?"
"There were a lot of good buys."
-____-

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgeTurnipseed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2014
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While on a vacation last summer, my brother-in-law was telling me that he just got a deal on some really nice empty wooden Cuban cigar boxes as souvenirs for only $4 each - I replied...

"So, it was a good deal, but no cigar"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/obedienthoreau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2016
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My old man was the king.

A while back my parents refurnished their living room. My dad wasn't in the best of health so my mom went and picked everything out.

ME: How ya liking the new setup? My Dad: Your mom did a good job. She got a great deal on the TV but then she got screwed on the couch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lazyboy823
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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Awful form dad...

My Dad has thrown me some pretty good/bad dad jokes in his time... but yesterday he sat me down on the couch and started telling me about a frog who couldn't get a loan from the bank. He looked really concerned and it went something like this...

"... so this frog really just wants a loan, and decides to try one last time. He walks up to the teller, a Mrs Patricia Wak. P.W: Hello sir what can I do for you? F: I'm just after a $30,000 loan. Can you help P.W: Wow, that's a really large loan. What collateral do you have? F: Just this little toy elephant (pulls out from pocket) P.W: I'm afraid that's not going to secure the loan, sir. Do you have anything else? F: No P.W: Well them I'm afraid we can't help you

And the frog starts to well up and cry, he starts howling inconsolably and is an absolute mess F: You don't understand! I need this loan! Please, my name is Froggy Jagger. I come from a long line of Jaggers, my father Mick is good for the money now please help me! P.W: I'm sorry but a little toy elephant is never going to secure you... F: I want to see a manager!!

So Patricia Wak goes and gets her manager, and the frog tells the man about his need for a $30,000 loan. The manager agrees and pulls Patricia aside to explain why...

P.W: I don't understand this guy, what's the deal with the little elephant? M: It's a knick-knack, Patty Wak! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!

Dad then proceeded to slap his knee and laugh wildly while I stood up and walked away.

(I think this joke makes a lot more sense if you're an Australian...)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/siqsadworld
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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We were at a German restaurant...

They had a sign saying the specials of each day of the week. Monday was "Two wurst platter for $8.99"

My stepdad pointed it out and said "Man, nine bucks for the worst food, that doesn't really seem like a good deal. I wonder which one is worst."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepobv
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
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While going to pick up food with my dad

We were going to pick up good from our local Vietnamese restaurant and we were getting pho, a vietnamese soup. My dad pulls into the parking lot and asks me to go get the food, and I groan, so he says "aw what the pho, its not even a big deal". Ha ha dad.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/strictlyaverage
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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I got my wife with this joke today.

It was a pretty good deal, if you ask me!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shhwonk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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