I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot.

Now, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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That means a lot
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.

It's a faux pa.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If you change word "Love" to "Lunch", you can totally change the meaning of a lot of songs.

All You Need Is Lunch

Do You Believe In Life After Lunch

Lunch In An Elevator

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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Got a lot of it in quarantine
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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A bread demon would bring a lot of pain.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheManNamedT
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the best month to drink a lot of beer?

Febrewery

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Becoming a sushi chef requires a lot of physics.

How else will you learn fission.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quibblicous
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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I’ve being breaking a lot of records recently...

I would have broken more if they didn’t kick me out of the music store.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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Sex is a lot like maths...

You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I know lots of jokes about retiring

But none of them work

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Comsicwastaken
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dinosaur that knows a lot of synonyms?

A thesaurus

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smorp_a_Dorp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
If they launched a lot of cattle into orbit.

If they launched a lot of cattle into orbit.

It would be the herd shot ’round the world.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreyDeck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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I went to my best friend's wedding today. He is an awesome fisher. I like him a lot and always come with the finest catch.

But something is very fishy with his new betrouthed.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bloodoolf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I grew up on a street with a lot of friction

You could call it a rough neighborhood

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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My friend and I swim a lot

People regularly consider us as fishy

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Just_y_not
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I guess you can see he has a lot of horsepower
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ikennaezeee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A lot of people are afraid of heights.

Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darth_Ranga
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What last name belongs to a man who is annoying and inherited a lot of money?

Richardson.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zapps2000x
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I use a lot of the jokes from here, but I always tell folks where I got them.

Just giving cReddit where it's due.

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I know why Tesla's are expensive. They charge a lot.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DerFuhrer_69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a president that has to do a lot of laundry?

WASHING-TON

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
People keep asking me how do I have a lot of dad jokes...

It's simple. I have a dad-a-base.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrollBond
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I've decided to start storing everything in the Cloud, and it's a lot easier than you'd think

Although I'm still not sure how exactly I'm supposed to get anything back down... I guess I'll just have to wait until the balloons pop to use my TV again.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartansATTACK
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My partner is telling me that I'm gaining a lot of weight from eating a lot of Indian food

But I think it's a naan issue.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brichouse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Do unfit parents have to exercise a lot to get their children back?
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Bought a house with a shed and found a lot of old tiki torches!

Score! I got free antique-y torches!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyRamenMan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw a mountain with a lot of cows hanging out on it.

Must've been Mount Heiferest.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iswitt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
"I argue with windows a lot"

They don't admit you window

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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A lot of people think of Batman as really serious, but he’s actually a funny guy.

He even used to be a comic

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobertforApples
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Soldier 1: "zz~ WE'RE TAKING A LOT OF SHOTS OVER HERE!"

Soldier 2: "zz~ ALRIGHT, DON'T DRINK TOO MUCH!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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I’ve been going through a lot of shit lately

I hate my job as a plumber.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/movetoruqqus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
A lot of people accuse me of plagiarism.

But those are their words, not mine.

πŸ‘︎ 772
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theunkillable
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone from Florida with lots of teeth who likes to spend money on the stock market?

Investigator

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said, "You've put on a lot of weight."

I said, " I know! I have had a lot on my plate lately."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.

But typically, none of them work.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajicMan101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I don't need a lot for Christmas

My driveway is big enough...

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/postymcpostface21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language

And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.

πŸ‘︎ 279
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently a lot of sniffer dogs are just vanishing into thin air.

Police say, they have several leads.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Im gonna tell my kids that the Titanic was carrying a lot of mayonnaise

And that it sunk on the 5th of May which is why we commemorate the Sinko de Mayo

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cannedsand3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
On reflection, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to have done differently this past year.

But hey, hindsight is 2020

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mish106
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A lot Eh’ (A latte’)

I wonder how much Starbucks is in Canada?

A lot Eh’

I woke up thinking this this morning, don’t know where it’s from. I probably didn’t write it but I have no idea where I would have seen it. It was an original thought, but it’s an easy joke so I’m sure someone else has done it before.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JHFL
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm going on a quiz show! There are lots of other contestants, but they're all grizzlies and polars. It's called...

Who wants to beat a million bears.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report

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