Younger Puns

As I got older, I realized it was just a phase.

So he became 90

And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.

Then I was born

There's nothing groin down there.

providing context cause it caught me off guard which made it more funny.

Bro: If Pinocchio said his nose is about to grow, would it grow or would it not grow?

Me: I don’t know, you’ve created a paradox.

Bro: I created two doctors?

"Then I was born.”

So my parentso took me to a SIKEologist

I guess it's a bit too right-leaning for them.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Jos b

I can’t count on anyone

They will never be older.

"Well at least I'm not walking around the house going "Hurgerbgehbh blurgeblegh blurgega, hurr dee hurr, derr!"

To which my dad said,

"Yes you are".

I would simply respond, “shocking isn’t it.”

Now that I’m older, I look more like Albert Einstein, relatively speaking

I can see now I set the bar too low for myself.

but it didn't stick.

He said, “Maybe that’ll knock some cents into you.”

I tried to deny it, but the writing was on the wall.

It was a job I could really see myself doing

It got me into some pretty hot water with the Japanese mafia.

It was hard to swallow.

Not much has changed except now I’m a grown ass-man

Turns out—-it was just a phase.

When asked, he just says "Sorry, it's Hitachi subject."

He said, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! See, I do count!”

Turns out I was just kidding myself.

Himyouroelbow

But, what can I say? It Gru on me.

I’ve definitely seen some change in him.

Because when I was 30 she was 30 too.

But then it grew on me

http://i.imgur.com/1XdScio.png

Thankfully, she was a happy medium between the two.

When my mom called to get me in she found out it was full but they would call if there was an opening.

To which my dad responded “I guess you are on their weight list.”

A couple of week later she sent me a John Deere letter.

I got a round of applause.

After winning a live fish at the fair, my dad and his friends go out for dinner.

Dad: Do you serve fish here?

Waiter: Yes.

Dad: Ok great, (holds up fish) he'll have the steak.

For the youngest siblings recent 9th birthday I put 9 dollars in a block of ice (had to bribe a local butcher shop to let me put a cooler in their freezer, worth it) But I need some long term ideas, because I intend to show this family with a lack of dads the full scope of dad jokes

Are you kitten me?!

because now it has shingles.

Was on a family vacation to the beach and my sister, mom, dad and I were all in a local Ben and Jerry's getting some ice cream. Well the guy in front of us definitely had the Donald Trump hair going on and we all noticed. Out of nowhere, my dad turns around with a straight face and says,

"I'll pay for the ice cream this time, but you toupee next time."

I couldn't help but laugh and my mother had to walk out of the parlor. These comments are the reason why my father is my best friend

"So we'll have a dalmatian plantain, son."

One day, I say to my dad, "Hey Dad! Could you imagine if I grew another foot!"

To this, he says, "Well, son, then we'd have to buy you another shoe."

"Hey, that's alright with me. No harm, no fowl. Right?"

He then look around the table with this face of pure enjoyment and the proceeded to say:

"Get it? Like, fowl! F-o-w-l!"

He then laughed at his own joke for the next two mins while we all internally laughed with him but externally judged him.

He replied that it was getting better.

"Glad to see that you're alr-eye-ght" I said.

He asked if I had any more bad puns to make.

"I do, but the rest are just cornea".

Turns out it was just my imaginasian.

I got arrested for Petty theft

Anytime he corrected one of my grammar mistakes he would say, "The reason I always correct your grammar is because my brother died because of bad grammar. I remember it as clear as day. I ran inside and yelled, 'Mom, billy fell in a good!'"

It took me forever to finally understand his joke.

Sis: "Ahhh what should I be for Halloween? Family? Any ideas? What should I go as?"
Dad: "Honey, haven't I told you already to always be yourself?"
This was followed by groans and facepalms at the dinner table, though my mom thoroughly enjoyed the joke. Wp dad, wp.

Dad: You know which city always shocks me?

Me: I don't know, which?

Dad: ELECTRI-city!

Commence groaning

Dad: Hey, do you know which city is always moving?

Me: Which one?

Dad: VELO-city!

Groaning intensifies

Dad: If I were 20 years younger, I would be glad you left

I'm all ear.

When I was younger, I had a Playstation 2 and a game called SOCOM: US Navy Seals that let you order your virtual team around with different voice commands. I'd be doing a mission and give the command to go weapons free by saying (basically yelling) "Fire at will." Every time I'd do that, my dad's voice would shout back "Who's Will and what'd he do to get shot at?"

Sister: "Hey Dad, can I please have a horse for my birthday?"

Dad: "Sorry honey, don't have anywhere to put it."

Sister: Starts Crying "This is unfair, I never get what I want."

Dad: "C'mon now sweetheart, why the long-face?"

Sister: "STOP DAD! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!"

Dad: "Ok..ok..we'll get one. I'll go see if we can store it at the Neiigghhghbors house"

Dad proceeds to burst out laughing

He was trying to get into a club one night, the club was busy, and when he got to the front of the line he could see the bouncer looking for an excuse to turn him away. "Sorry sir, you're just not dressed smart enough," He said, "you'll have to put on a tie."

So my dad starts walking up and down the street, asking people if he could borrow or buy their tie (he really needed to get in) but most people took him for some crazy person and turned him away. After trying for 10 minutes he saw a road side assistant car down the street. He rushed up to the operator and said "Please, I know you're not generally for this but by any chance do you have a tie I can borrow?" The serviceman replies "Sorry sir the best I can do is tie this set of jumper leads around your neck" He ties the leads around dad's neck and make it look all nice (making sure to hide the copper clips in his shirt), and dad heads back to the club. The bouncer looks him up and down again, nods and says, "You can come in, but don't start anything."

..but I never could find the 4-0-4.

"It's El Normal."

...Nice.

"Hey, Dad, can I get a drink? I'm thirsty".

"Yeah, and I'm Friday, nice to meet you".

He's 4 years old and walked into the kitchen while I was at my aunt and uncle's house. My aunt saw him and got slightly irritated because this was a problem she thought he had gotten over. She goes to talk to her husband about it:

Aunt: Keegan had another accident honey.

Uncle: Oh did he now?

Aunt: Yes. And I'm making dinner, so can you please deal with this? (at this point she is still pretty ticked off)

Uncle: oh I'll deal with it. Keegan come here.

Keegan walks over

Uncle: Urine a lot of trouble mister. Can't you pee that you're pissing your mother off?

My uncle proceeded to laugh uncontrollably at his own joke while my four year old cousin stood there looking really confused and my aunt walked away with her arms crossed, angrily trying to hold back her laughter.

My brother and I both caught some nice fish at almost the same time. My dad exclaimed "My two seamen!" and clapped us on the back and started laughing to himself.

My family and I were at the mattress store and my sister cracks one on us. Sister: What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Me: What? Sister: Oh sheet!! We then proceeded to groan

(Having just been woken up)
Me: I'm sleepy.
Him: I'm Doc.
(Him: chuckles to himself)

EDIT: Formatting

Dad: "One day I went to the back yard and picked some oranges and brought them inside and made some juice."

My little sister was talking about doing mathematical proofs and she said "well, in the step I use a protractor to measure the proper angle, etc..."

Dad: "Well you sure can't use an amateur tractor for that!"

So we were at Home Depot waiting for someone to come cut some wood, when my brother points at the price for the plastic trim behind me.

Brother: It costs 914 dollars?!

Me: No.

Brother: They should really make that clear then.

Me: But then you couldn't see it.

I walk into the room and my Dad says, "There's an Alzheimer's patient in his game. His name is Charlie, and he keeps getting lost."

While stapling tags with bracelets on them to cards for Valentine's Day, my 10-year old sister called into the kitchen to say, "I'm only stapling the ones that fit, Daddy!"

To which he replied, "None of 'em fit Daddy."

She looked at me and grimaced.

Me: "but the door only moves side-to-side!"

My sister, when she was around 5, always stated "I'm full" when she was done eating. She was a little kid who had a tough time with r's and l's so they all sounded like w's.

So when she said "I'm fow" he would reply "no, I've told you honey, you just had a birthday, you are five."

.. And I notice some unpasteurised milk.

"So Dad, what IS unpasteurised milk?"

He picks it up and waves it in front of my face.

"It doesn't matter, because it's been past-your-eyes now... "

When getting ready to leave the house:

"Dad can you put my shoes on?"

"They won't fit me"

And upon picking them up from school:

"How was Doris today"

"Dad, there is no one at school called Doris"

"Oh was she sick today?"

Anytime someone says something unbelievable somebody will say "what?!" and then I'll repeat what was just said, but louder.

Example:

Dad: We were walking and a bottle flew right by our heads.

Sister: What?!

Me: A BOTTLE FLEW RIGHT BY THEIR HEADS!

Her: I just got done picking up my room.

Me: How heavy was it?

She was not amused

... yeah it was pretty awkward getting my head down in that trough.

Told to me by my 92 year-old neighbor/WW2 Navy veteran

"Now ethan what is the golden rule?"

"Treat others how they want to be treated?"

"Wrong, whoever has all the gold makes all the rules."

Dad asks their name

Kid tells them

Dad: "I was that old when I was your age."

... and then I was born.

Then I was born

Then i was born

Me: Dad, I'm thirsty.

Dad: Hi thirsty, I'm Friday. Why don't you come over Saturday, and we can have a sunday.