They are lying.
It was a locomotive.
...I will not be deterred!!
She also complains that I never listen to her.
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
He did unspeakable things.
Thank you for the awards. You made my day π
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
Youβll strain your voice.
Voice crack.
The other day i yelled into a colander and i strained my voice.
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
Have you been wearing glasses during the pandemic?!? Have you been wearing your mask?!? You may be entitled to condensation.
Now it just says, "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while. "
"That sounds hard."
"Thank you. I'm a professional."
I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one
^α΅Κ°α΅ΚΈ ^ΚΈα΅Λ‘Λ‘ ^Κ³α΅α΅Λ‘Λ‘ΚΈ ^Λ‘α΅α΅α΅α΅
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,
"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"
His son replied.
"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."
His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.
"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"
"Okay son, go ahead."
The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.
On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.
"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"
His son replied.
"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."
His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.
"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"
The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.
On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.
"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"
"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."
Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.
"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want
... keep reading on reddit β‘Is it disgruntled?
I'll leave now...
They call it Bawk to the Future.
A Dell
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
It was the booty calls.
I sing faucetto...
expect a long sentence.
Felt like I was on The Voice.
Stolen from dad jokes
He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.
After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.
A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.
After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"
The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...
They're complimentary."
It didn't give a hoot.
I kept my tone level and I didnβt raise my voice, but I begged and begged the chef to add some crumbled goat cheese to the recipe. But unfortunately it was too late as it had already gone into the oven.
It was a feta calm plea.
I was speechless.
I guess you could say Remy is Linguiniβs voice of season
..out of his ass?
"Oh no," he replied. "That's my shoes... I'm wearing mockasins."
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
Youβll strain your voice
...and now my voice is strained.
A Dell.
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
It strained my voice
