Swap Puns

No one took me seriously when I said jk lmao

So I guess Sharon is Karen

.... the Lion said “ I’m game!”.

I get pie with a little spelt from my friends!

but a leper never changes its tots.

(My dad made this up when we visited Spinalonga in about 1998...its one of his all time classics. I only remember the punchline so I made up the first bit and its not historically true.)

Last night, 12:30AM:

What did Hamlet say to Ophelia when she made a bad joke?

"Get thee to a punnery!"

He hasnt noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin

She hasn't noticed yet... but the thyme is cumin.

She may not know anything about it yet, but mark my words--the thyme is cumin.

They haven’t noticed yet... but the thyme is cumin.

My wife hit the roof

I can’t believe the currant exchange rate

Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"

Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."

Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"

Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."

Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"

Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."

First she hit the roof, then the light, then the roof again.

He became trans-parent.

Now it starts with OBCD.

I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.

He always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean.

Took a really big dab (weed) and was coughing my brains out, which caused the following conversation between me and my wife:

Wife: "Are you going to make it?"

Me: "Nope.. Cough Hack ..You're gonna... cough ..be a... Hack hack ..widow!"

Wife: "Nooo, you can't die!"

Me: Hack "And I don't even.. cough ..have.. hack ...life insurance!" cough hack cough

Wife: "Wife Insurance?? What is that - If I break can you swap me out for a new one?? Do you mean a pre-nup??"

My body couldn't figure out what the fuck to do. Cough, Laugh, it even got confused and farted. Fucking hilarious.

A holyday

Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."

Which is one more than eight. I feel this has to have been part of the name creation. “We’ll do you one better than terminate, we’ll termiNINE”.

He tells jokes periodically

Edit: spelling

She looked surprised.

It was a Total Recall.

Can I swap you for the aisle seat?

It's true: I have no patients.

He said "penne for your thoughts"

Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in.

Even between the laughing and joking, the women in front of me insisted that we swap places, so I could get mine first.

I thought to myself at last a decent punchline

You swap two letters and your whole post is urined.

So I went to the hospital that he was born at, and proceed to swap him with another baby.

I told her it's definitely growing on me!

Old McDonald's Server Farm
Very high I/O
And on that farm he had some space
Very high I/O
With a hot swap here and a hot swap there
Here a disk
There a disk
Everywhere a RAID disk
Old McDonald's Server Farm
Very high I/O

I work in a hotel reception. A couple with a baby came in and walked up to my desk.

> Dad: "Do you have anywhere we could change our baby?"

> Me: "I'm sorry sir, we don't swap them out without a receipt."

If you got divorced because of a broccoli argument (long story) and a month after the divorce you notice your ex in the supermarket, and she has a produce bag full of broccoli crowns in her shopping cart, and you sneak up while she's not looking and swap the bag of crowns for a bag of stalks, can you be charged with stalking?

She may not know anything about it yet, but mark my words--the thyme is cumin.

The wife hit the roof.

My wife hit the roof.

I can't believe the currant exchange rate!

I cannot believe the currant exchange rate

I can't believe the currant exchange rate.

She is completely trans-parent.