Sharon is Karen
It may take you two weeks to get it.
Because they lead a doobie-us lifestyle.
Carpool tunnel
Dad, do you know what an olive is? A sick grape.
My daughter had to wire an essay about her hobby, which is softball. Her opener:
Pitcher this, you’re standing on a mound.
I was overwhelmed, and more proud than ever. She threw in some other puns too, it was an excellent essay, she’s giving me a run for my money, I batter watch out.
Edit: thank you u/PsychicGnome for the reminder that my kids are better parents than I am
Bond, Gems Bond.
Cummunism.
I guess you might call them emu-jis.
Prime-mates
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
#1: ooh Oeh ah ah!
#2: oh sorry, is it too hot?
[removed]
A flaternity.
Medical experts have named it "carpool tonal syndrome".
I guess you could say it wasn't a very effective ice breaker.
I'm cracking up.
Chronic Issues.
Because it was a little shellfish.
Dad: Wow, that snake is so slow... It took me only a few hours to start breeding once I was married...
Doctor says it's carpool tunnel.
My son asked me if I had any tissues left. I asked him if used the ones in the bathroom up as well. When he responded in the affirmative, I dropped this one on him:
"You really blow through this stuff, don't you?"
I observed that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
Me: So I'll see you tomorrow morning around 8:15?
Dad: Yup, be there or be an equilateral quadrilateral!
This all happened in french so you none french speaking folk might not find this very funny. I saw /u/OHDEERGOAT post his Swedish dad joke and it reminded me of this. On a road trip a while back, I spotted some sort of bird of prey (means rapasse in french, which also sounds like repasse which means to return) so I tell my GrandPa about it. He says, "you know kid, bird of prey, ça passe et ça rapasse."
He's dead now, but we will all remember him for his sense of humour.
Dad: Have you heard about the concrete truck that hit the penitentiary up the road?
Me: No, I haven't.
Dad: 12 hardened criminals escaped.
