I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good ,but I liked the execution
I stand corrected...
Said the man wearing orthopedic shoes.
(Boyfriend said this yesterday and I was so proud)
Why do flamingos stand on one leg?
If they lifted up the other one, they’d fall over.
why does a bike need a kick stand?
because it's two-tired to stand on it's own
I retired from boxing to become a stand up comic
I had too many punchlines in my head
If there’s one thing I can’t stand to do...
I was involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong...
We've been married 3 years now !!
I can’t stand my daughter’s 🐍.
If you're cold go and stand in the corner.
What’s the difference between a lousy trashy stand up comedian, and a father making jokes about pens?
One is bad at telling dick jokes, the other is dad at telling Bic jokes.
I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.
I payed my $2 and the guy says “Once upon a time there was this lobster.”
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
Why did the meat cutter decide against a career in stand-up comedy?
He was afraid he would butcher all the jokes.
What does a robot do after a one night stand?
You know what I can’t stand
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Why can't bicycles stand upright?
The sergeant asked the private to 'stand up straight'.
The private said, "That's a tall order, sir."
My wife texted, "I can't stand my mother."
So I replied, "Try laying her down."
What do you call someone who can't stand
Why do people in N/A stand in circles and hold hands???
Because they dont do Lines anymore.
Do you know what Fe stands for?
They tried to sack her, and she didn’t have a leg to stand on...
Our plumber moonlights as a stand-up comedian.
He's a terrible plumber, but he really cracks me up.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
I can't stand people without toes!
I guess that makes me lacktoes intolerant.
Why couldn’t the two melons stand each other?
They were attached to the same woman.
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
When I was single I had this one night stand
But then I got married and we bought a second night stand.
Kid: Why do you stand on one leg while you get money out of the ATM?
Dad: I’m checking my balance.
I got an STD after a one night stand
It was a fun-gal infection
Touring stand-ups keep getting covid.
I guess laughter isn’t the best medicine.
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
Edit: wow! My first Silver. You guys are amazing.
My son told me the house was cold, I told him to go stand in the corner...
'Cause the corner is 90 degrees.
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
Why do ballerinas always stand on their tiptoes?
Couldn't they just get taller ballerinas?
I had this one night stand and I felt really bad about it.
So, the next morning I raced out and bought another one for the other side of the bed.
Why can a bicycle stand on its own?
My bike won't stand on it's own.
Why do we stand up when we are cold?
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
Because if it didn't it would fall over.
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
Nobody has given me a straight answer
Told my dad I was cold, his response was to tell me to stand in the corner
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