Trouble 07
They tend to quack under pressure.
"That's the fastest I've moved in years!"
They have a certain... je ne faux pas.
A faux pa
Today is a cry-sis crisis
I was home earlier than normal, and dad was in basement.
Dad: "Who's there, I'm armed." Me: "I'm legged." Both: Laugh. Tension gone
But I suppose I shouldn't have called all my lemmings Cliff
Coworker 1: Would you rather be blind or deaf for the rest of your life?
Coworker 2: Deaf, because you can always get cochlear implants.
Me: Oh, so in this scenario we can cheat deaf?
Because the steaks are high!
"Just remember: whenever you're in a tight spot and don't know what to do, ask yourself: What Would Scooby Doo?" I groaned loudly in response and he giggled to himself for a good 3 minutes.
They’ve got all the patience in the world, you see.
. .. so we compromised and had an altercation
I was shocked
You've got to urn it
It mega hertz.
The SCOBYashi Maru
It's borderline torture
Aquard
You really have to have a good sense of tumor. Laughter is cancerous.
Social distancing will really push them over the edge.
I'm getting married Saturday and I need some ideas for a great situational joke to play on my bride to be.
At my best man's wedding, when he was expected to say "I do", he paused. Then he ran over to the groomsmen, and we huddled up and whispered for a few moments. After a few nods he ran back to the altar and said "I do." It was a great way to break the formality and tension and went off great.
I want something similar. Something pseudo-wholesome( that's why I'm in r/Dadjokes!), that can break the tension and get a few chuckles. But not something uncouth, deviant, sexual, or terribly disruptive. Please help me out!
The wife is in a Master's program and is learning about emergency services this semester. I made this joke without even realizing it at first. The we-do is like a siren. If you didn't get it.
Who wants to learn about Emergency services kids!?
We-do we-do we-do we-do.
you describe that as a reptile dysfunction.
A pickle.
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."
The room
For many years he collected all kinds of them. Red snails, green snails, blue snails, snails with conical shells, snails with circular shells, whatever he could find.
There was one type he didn't like however: snails with bumpy shells. The bumps just looked incredibly ugly to him.
As the years went by, he became known in various collector communities for being the Snail-Man. That's how he met his wife.
Unfortunately, while she also loved snails, she loved the ones with bumpy shells.
Despite this, they got along swimmingly. They were happily married for 45 years.
Eventually, his wife was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. A local newspaper decided to interview Snail-Man about his experiences collecting snails with his wife over the years.
"You and your wife were world-renowned snail collectors. You must be taking this loss pretty hard." the interviewer said.
"To be honest" he responded "I'm pretty relaxed about the whole situation."
Surprised the interviewer asked "why"?
"She liked bumpy snails, but now that she's gone it's all smooth snailing from here."
It's a piece-keeping operation. I'll be keeping this piece of Ukraine, and this piece. Ooh, and this piece is rather lovely, too!
It'd be a worst suitcase scenario
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
They probably don't understand the gravity of the situation.
I grounded him until he conducted himself properly.
It's a win-win situation.
I really gotta stop putting myself in Hopeless situations.
I’m a real dad of 2 kids under 3 so I’m genuinely too tired to think of a funny way to wrap this up with a punchline. Sorry I really tried…. I guess my exhaustion is a-parent.
It was an Ether Oar situation.
I couldn’t get a straight answer…
Bonus joke:
How does a non-binary samurai kill people?
They/Them (They slash them)
A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The police cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
There's a hosta situation in the garden center.
A heroine addict.
So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:
At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit — the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.
Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me — I’ve never been one to split hares
I finally understood the gravity of the situation.
Well, he just couldn’t stop himself from getting into hairy situations.
That was a sticky situation.
How can I tell him that he's not a loan?
I really missed the boat on that one
They told me they would monitor the situation.
...I guess I really dodged a bullet there.
(believe it or not this post is based on real-life events 😬)
They fear social distancing measures will push someone over the edge.
