My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, “If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”
My son was trash talking Jim Morrison, so I sent him to his room.
Nobody slams the Doors in my house
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
What is it called when you get sent to a prison made of only two elements?
Why did the anvil get sent to AA?
He was always getting hammered
My kid sent me this photo of his ongoing travels. I replied, “That’s a butte!”
I was attacked by a flock of sheep and was sent to the hospital...
Luckily, I was only grazed.
Bff sent this. I believe this belongs here.
Once my school had multiple teachers absent and they sent the substitutes to the wrong class AMA
I have a friend that's scared of text in capslock, one day a guy sent him a full caps text
I can't belive how bold he was
I knew she was a keeper when she sent this
I sent young Rothgar to the Mountain of Witches to catch fog for his final manhood quest.
I just got sent a severed penis in a box with no address
Guess it was an anonymous tip
Something a friend just sent me....
Why was the plane sent back to his room?
bitch sent me into cardiac arrest
Where should children with ADHD be sent to for therapy?
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.
I've heard nothing since.
A friend sent me a text apologizing for the atrocious grammatical errors in his last message. I told him not to worry
My girlfriend thanked me for the videos I sent her from my masturbation session.
The pleasure was all mine.
My colleague got sick and was sent home from work.
Why was the art restorer sent to prison?
He was a Monet launderer.
Do you know why I was sent to the coal mines as a child?
Why were the saplings sent to war?
Because they were infant tree.
Due to covid my chiropractor sent most of his staff home.
His office is run by a skeleton crew.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
My friend sent me this (don’t worry I didn’t block her)
I sent him a photo of my puppy and this ensued
My friend sent me a meme on Instagram
I laughed even though I had already reddit.
Sent my husband for a bandaid for my daughter’s toe. She asked what was on it as I put it on her, and I said “it looks like Olaf”, to which my husband replied...
“I think you mean Toe-laf”.
My girlfriend sent me thjs
My mother sent this to me...
I was sent to the store for asparagus.
I can’t even find agus, much less a spare.
My dad sent me this today: "All they're talking about on the news is the coronavirus. Nobody said anything about the damn coronapox!"
http://imgur.com/gallery/XgScS7E
A Penguin sent his car off to the mechanic before going to the ice cream shop...
He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.
Mechanic: It looks like you blew a seal.
Penguin: Ah no that’s just ice cream.
Sent my dad a nearby dive photo of sea lions in kelp & told him it made me officially excited to do local/non-tropical dives... his reply?
Well, that seals the deal!
It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.
My boss sent me an email in big, dark letters demanding that I personally deliver my report to him ASAP…
I’ve got to hand it to him, that was pretty bold.
Why were the electrons from the volcanic eruption sent to prison?
They were charged under extraordinary circumstances
I told my pirate friend with a patch to watch for a letter I sent him that reveals the site of the gold...
He said, I'll keep an eye out for it.
What is a spacecraft chock-full of microbes sent to populate the nearest planetary system?
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
I sent my son next door with a packed suitcase. They called asking why.
I said He is a Home School Foreign Exchange Student.
My dad's just messaged me saying my mum noticed her eyebrows have gone today. He drew some rabbits in their place and sent me a photo..
Asking if they look like hares from a distance!
We got sent extra bumper plates for weight lifting.
The Queen has never successfully sent an email...
... because she put's the intended recipient in the box marked "Subject".
My dad got sent to the hospital by a firework
I’m trying to spark a joke about it, but it’s not helping
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, “Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, “They had eggs.”
edit: I know guys, I know, it’s supposed to be 13, I messed up the wording, please forgive me
My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail!
They called it a "Jury Summons."
A pun my sister edited in snapchat and then sent to me: A Good Data Die Hard
What do you call an apology sent via Morse Code?
What do you say when a bank robber gets sent to the same prison as his inseparable twin sons?
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
I sent a comedy film video to a friend
It was one gigabyte in size
It was quite a gig
My 15 year old sent a text asking me to pick him up from school and added "not in your pyjamas".
So I'm wearing his, because good dads listen.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
My neighbors just got sent a suit of armour but they weren't home when it arrived.
I told the delivery driver that they must have gone out for the Knight.
My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.
It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.
The Office sent out an automated message to all the junk emails that they were getting
Dunder Mifflin this is spam
I’m on a trip for work and my girlfriend sent me this last night.
I cant screenshot it so i sent a link
http://logs.omegle.com/7150b145bb2cd36f
During my trip to Madrid I was staying at this small motel when I grew pretty ill. Thankfully the people at the front desk sent the on call doctor over and he was able to fix me up real quick. I told him I didn't expect such a small place to have such a good doctor, to which he told me
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician
A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
My wife was having a stressful day at work and just sent me a text "I'm losing my mind!"
I texted back "it's all in your head".
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear Dad,
University i$ really great.
I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, your $usie.
I immediately replied back…
Dear Susie,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system...
My son got sent to jail for refusing to take a nap
Why did the little rectangle get sent to the principal's office?
My friend has been having the hardest time getting pool noodles air frieighted in. Last night, he said he's going to have them sent on a container ship...
I said, "whatever boats your float."
My son refused to go to sleep last night so I sent him to jail
Why was the insomniac sent to prison?
I got in big trouble for the photos I sent to the women at the office.
I was so proud of my home improvement projects that I got caught sending them unsolicited deck pics.
My wife sent me an article that says men's beards have more germs than dogs.
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard.
https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
My grandfather was captured by the Germans in WWII. Being a high-ranking officer, they kept him captive for months but all he would do is sit in his cell saying "tick... tick... tick...". Their top interrogator was sent in to get important information out of him...
When in the interrogation room, he told my grandfather
"vee haf vays of making you tock!"
For years, kids have been sent to a mime school...
Never to be heard from again.
My dad might be a living reddit thread. He sent me some new cookware recently.
My grandad of 85 sent me these today. Runs in the family. (Last one is funny if you know Hindi)
Did you hear about the trans lawyer who sent a settlement letter to a dentist?
It was trans-send-dental-mediation.
My wife is mad at me. She sent me to the store after her bra broke. Said she needed D-cup
She asked me where I put it and I pointed to the table. She says what? Where? I point to the new worlds best dad mug on the table and say " D cup is right here mon"
Im not funny im sorry i tried
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text...
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
My son tried to convince me that Jim Morrison was just an overrated drunk, so I angrily sent him to his room...
Nobody slams the Doors in my house!!
When I was young my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help at all
My friend sent me a joke from here
What did Dad do with the joke his friend sent him?
My dad just sent me this
https://m.imgur.com/a/Z2OAlnk
I sent my hearing aids in for repair about a month ago.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
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