I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.

Apparently it is private.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AncientPhoenix98
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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When it comes to difficulty in cooking, where would you rank cooking eggs?

Just over easy.

That’s one of my best dad yolks. Thanks for coming by.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slingblade1315
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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How did the sleeper rank so highly on the test?

He was in the nighty-night percentile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCBananacheese
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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If I had to rank you from 1 to 10 on your ability to pee...

I would say urinate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kidflash808
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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I wouldn't rank the Great Lakes from best to worst...

But one of them is definitely Superior.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmshady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
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It's safe to assume that, once someone rises to the rank of Colonel, they will continue to be promoted.

Though I guess that's just a generalization.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DthAlchemist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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I've infiltrated their ranks, together we can pun-dermine their authority.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trevski143
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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I asked a soldier what his rank was.

Him: "It's private."
Me: "No, it's okay, you can tell me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeping_pegasus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
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What's the highest rank in the popcorn army?

Kernel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ndemerson
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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Survey Dad: "If we ranked dad-jokes on a scale of 1 to 10, would you rank this one a '10'?"

German Dad: "Nein."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phrawstt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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My Mexican friend has been trying hard to achieve a higher rank in the cartel but he's failing every time.

He's criminally underrated to be honest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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And with this gem I joined your ranks.

My 4 year old daughter walked up to me and said "I'm thirsty". Without a second thought I replied "Hi Thirsty, I'm daddy".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DriedUpSquid
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2014
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My friend asked "What's the rank above General?"

I said "Specific."

Many eyes were rolled.

Well, two. Two eyes were rolled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/De-Vox
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2015
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My dad's taxi rank ripper

So last week, my family was returning home on a plane flight, and because we had a lot of luggage, my parents decided to take a taxi. Well, we'd been waiting at the taxi rank for a while, and my dad exclaims: "We've been waiting here ten minutes, and what have we got to chauffeur it?" Groans were had.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deltalessthanzero
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
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Recently joined the dad ranks and made a name for myself.

Distant uncle: "It has been a long time, you must have grown a foot since I saw you last"

Me: No, I still only have two.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/premedic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2014
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My fiancee is ready to join the ranks...

We live in a building with 2 levels of underground parking.

"I like parking on the first floor because the second floor is beneath me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nsurgnie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2014
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What is the highest ranking vegetable?

Corn, it's made up entirely of colonels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crayoncer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?

The Colonel of Truth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CopsaLau
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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After seeing Watt leaving the Texans

The team’s power ranking will only get lower.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zkck0517
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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What do you call a group of baby soldiers?

An infantry

Side note: I will be a first time father at the end of March. I am proud to join the dad joke ranks, my wife and son will learn to appreciate the content from this subreddit 😬

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Thong-Song
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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So I made this list of people ranked by their interest in paper based drawing boards.

I call it the flip charts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrowningStructure
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Alright....time for a classic. The Ceo of Datsun was talking to his other high ranking workers when it had just been founded and said, you have 2 days to come up with a name for our company

The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BF1gamerz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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Life’s a beach
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_I_D_G_A_F_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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My grandfather was captured by the Germans in WWII. Being a high-ranking officer, they kept him captive for months but all he would do is sit in his cell saying "tick... tick... tick...". Their top interrogator was sent in to get important information out of him...

When in the interrogation room, he told my grandfather

"vee haf vays of making you tock!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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People only trust high ranking navy sailors. for instance there's Captain Morgan rum, Captain crunch cereal.... You never see seamen crunch!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisterblisterblob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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Why are the North Koreans the best at geometry?

Because they’ve got a Supreme Ruler.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GhostPotency
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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Are vampires considered undead?

If so, aren't higher ranked vampires technically Neck Romancers?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sugarparfait
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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Never wear feline prosthetic limbs that have been given a high military ranking...

It's a major faux paw.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
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This Wednesday, pot is becoming legal here in Canada. For people ranking international travel destinations,

Canada should be high in your list of priorities.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
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An excellent sea captain is...

... admirable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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What do you call a high ranking Russian government official that is also a fish?

A czardine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/havealittlepun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2017
🚨︎ report
If rocks would have a ranking system, stones would be low.

To get higher, you'll have to be boulder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dieuwt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2017
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A video game addict was playing a military game

He quickly achieved the rank of β€œtreem ”, rather high up in the rankings. However, it was not long lasting, as after a series of events he was demoted. His parents grew very annoyed of hearing him talking about having been a treem, his unfair demotion, and how much he hated his new position. Now, the gamer’s family often made little newspapers to share personal achievements and events with their family.

This weeks top headline read, β€œex-treem dissed appointment”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamayurt
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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And the name of the Coronavirus baby boom generation is.......

Children of the "Quarn"

Edit: at the age of 13, we shall bestow upon them the rank of "Quaran-teen"

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.

For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time

or

In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield. Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.

I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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Who is captain crunches supervisor ?

GENERAL MILLS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jediesel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2015
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Phone rings.......Dad: What does the Caller ID say?......Son: It says Private Caller......

Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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Watching Children of the Corn...

I bet the highest ranking military official is a kernel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/islandjustice
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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Why is diarrhoea hereditary ?

Because it runs in jeans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
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A very punny joke inside

Ok now that all the r/PunPatrol people are gone I am willing to be a spy for your organization. I have currently achieved the rank of supreme admiral punsniffer and have solid evidence on r/PunPatrol's next targets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lucker1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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TIL that the Bloods once owned then destroyed 9% of the Bitcoin market in 2014

Higher ranking members of the Bloods held 9% of the coins that had been mined up to 2014. They suddenly and abruptly destroyed the wallets that contained the bitcoins in late 2014.

It wasn’t discovered until 2017 when a former member spoke to the press when the prices spiked. When asked the reason for destroying the fortune he said β€œcause it’s a Crip-tocurrency”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinetsu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
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Important safety warning!

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkBrokeMyPots
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
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A little history...

In the late '60s the government was developing ARPANET and the developers were trying to find a way for users on the system to communicate with each other.

The scientists involved came up with an electronic messaging system that they called the Tickle.

Tickles could be used to send important code updates, meeting invitations, or even just little jokes all along the network.

The DOD heard about these Tickles and asked for a briefing to determine their military potential. At a high-level meeting of generals and admirals, the lead developer presented the Tickle concept.

The ranking General asked for a demonstration and the lead scientist said "Sure, I'll send you a test Tickle."

And that's how E-mail was born.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkipperMcGoo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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Bit long: There is a world where...

There is a world where everyone is a cheerio and there are 4 main ranks. There is the plain cheerio then the chocolate cheerio then then the rainbow cheerio and then finally King cheerio himself. In this world there is a man called Steve, Steve was a plain cheerio working at a Mc. donalds. He found working there very boring, so he saved up enough money to get a surgery to become a chocolate cheerio. And so he got the surgery and now he was able to be manager at the Mc. Donalds he was working at. However he still didn't feel as if this was enough so he saved up enough money to get another surgery to become a rainbow cheerio. Now that he was a rainbow cheerio he owned Mc. Donalds itself. As a celebration king cheerio hosted a party at his mansion for Steve's new job. During the party Steve got a chance to speak with the King and he asked him how it was to be a the king, but the king replied that it was extremely exhausting to be the king. So Steve decided that he didn't want to be king. After his conversation he felt thirst so headed over to the drinks building. On the first floor he new he could get bear which he wanted, but as he arrived he noticed that the line was too big. So Steve went up to the next floor where there was wine, but again the line was too big. On the third floor there was Coke, but just like the other floors the line was too big. He also new that on the 5th floor there was milk which was his favourite. So he thought that might as well skip the 4th floor to get milk. But he changed his mind has he walked by the 4th floor as he saw the sign that they where serving punch and as he realised there wasn't any punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/51MOE
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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My dad was husking corn.

He was surprised at how large the kernels were. "These kernels are large. So large in fact, that they're major."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shambles299
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
🚨︎ report

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