They should have just named Cyberpunk 2077 β€œPaste”

Because you Ctrl V

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebscaller
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Why was the can of tomato paste voted off the ship?

Because ketchup sus.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/choosegoos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What does Tooth Paste mean in Italian?

Pasta al dente!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tflightz
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Rest in Paste
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.

Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theycallmeslayer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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I made this crazy paste out of sesame seeds, it was so good I nearly ate all of it

Don’t worry I still have a tahini bit left

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glowcoma
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Tepsodent. Polgate. Glose-up. Don't trust them. They are all copy-paste.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madjholu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who copies and pastes a flu epidemic?

A plaguerizer

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandma just sent a chain email full of these. I'll just copy and paste them.

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for the use of words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

Here goes...

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/All_Hail_Dionysus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Wrong tooth paste

I was over at my MIL's with my wife and my MIL's boyfriend. We got on the subject of how my wife hates cold, chunky food. The rest of the conversation went like this

Mbf: "They make a toothpaste for that. It's called sensodyne.

Wife: " I have tried it, but it didn't work."

Me: "No. It's sensodyne, not Trident."

I also think I stopped my wife from punching the Mbf, because he hates him and he always thinks he has the answer to thinks. So... dadjoked stopped my wife from assaulting someone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nolehusker
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2014
🚨︎ report
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*

Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"

Me: "Oh, why?"

Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yupitsnoone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...

My how the stables have turned.

Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zthazel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?"

He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."

πŸ‘︎ 579
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car

Looks like it was a Christler

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zagmut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar

And things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
When driving past a cemetery:

β€œSee that cemetery kids? That must be a really nice one.”

β€œWhy do you say that Dad?”

β€œPeople are just dying to get in there”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fraggle_captain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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A man & his wife were taking a winter stroll & admiring the trees that were glistening white with ice & snow. A stranger walked past them and said, β€œBeautiful hoar-frost!”

The man replied, β€œWhy thank you kind sir, but my name’s not Frost.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uncle_Bug_Music
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I was in the hotel lobby the other day when I heard 2 chess masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

πŸ‘︎ 601
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superdolmiosauce
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
On reflection, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to have done differently this past year.

But hey, hindsight is 2020

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mish106
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
As a woman who worked for the church this past year, guess how much sex I had?

Nun!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miss_Aia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, β€œTHE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!”

It might be farmer Geddon.

πŸ‘︎ 180
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Walked past a pallet of nacho cheese at Costco today. Looked my daughter in the eye and said, β€œDylan, don’t touch”

Natcho-cheese.

I try.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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Imagine a form of public transportation where there is no monetary fee but you relive past mistakes for as long as you are a passenger
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/C0LL3CT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"

She stops and ask "What?"

- "Your speed!"

She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"

- "What?"

- "Your hair!"

Oof.

True story.

πŸ‘︎ 299
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaploiff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are all archeologists depressed?

Because their lives are in ruins

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...

'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.

'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.

Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aabesh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the German man say when asked if he could count past 8?

Nein

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sangimil
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
*Dad walking past a mirror in a department store

"Hey, I know you!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lil_suge
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
When I write down the alphabet I never get past the letter "I"

I guess that's where I draw the line.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Laez
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Cheese walks past a mirror and sees itself

Halloumi

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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In Past, I used to be so confused about everything

but now, I'm not so sure

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhjbts
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I just went past a shop selling wigs for only $10

They look awful but it's a small price toupee.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BareKnuckle_Bob
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X

I don’t know why

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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I can't stop taking money out of every cash machine I walk past...

Doctor has diagnosed I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
The legalize cannabis party had a fair few stoners voting for it this past election, but not enough to gain power

That’s a lot of wasted votes

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I spent the past few minutes throwing chickpeas at my cat's feet...

I used the beans to bean the beans.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KatLikeGaming
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Driving past an antique store with my dad and he drops this gem...

β€œWhy do aunts get all the glory? What about uncle-tiques?”

πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ˜‘πŸ˜‘πŸ˜‘

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in my flat & this tall lady walked past my window.

I knew she was tall....as I live on the 2nd floor.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking past a shop, and there was a classic bomb in the window Beside it was a sign that read "$1, irreplaceable fuse"

I said to myself "That's an offer I can't refuse"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Secretseacrits549
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss said to me, β€œYou are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”

I said, β€œI’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a graph for my past relationships.

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_donald-trump
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
It was raining this morning and my wife had to drive right past where I work, so I said 'Will you give me a lift?'

She said 'Have you lost weight? Nice shirt, by the way, and your hair looks fantastic.'

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been searching in this map for the past hour...

And I can't seem to find country music.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HotWilbury
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought I saw a German sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird.

I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snipesma
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The past, present, and future walked into a bar...

...it was tense.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_oddballwoofwoof_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,

Things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The past, present and future walk into a room.

It was tense

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar

Things got a little tense

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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