For the 22nd time.
A pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
Now they're homie pigeons.
My kids are still able to get in the house.
He thought homes were built, not born.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.
It was disgusting on so many levels.
"Wire you insulate"
And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"
This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.
(We're not grading for quality here, right?)
A taxi
"So house life?"
Being 6’1” I informed her that I would be home tall’ly. She was not amused. I was. You could hear the disappointment drip out of the phone. Victory
I said "So it's a well gnome garden".
I laughed harder than he did.
My wife and I were doing a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. I had just handcuffed her to the bedhead when we heard one of the kids turning the door handle. I quickly threw the covers over the both of us and in walked my 7 year old son. He noticed the handcuffs, went really quiet and had this confused look on his face. After 15 seconds or so he asked my wife why she was handcuffed to the bed. She blushed and had to come up with a lie on the spot. She stammered out that daddy was just practicing with the handcuffs for his new job as a policeman and that my son should just go back into the lounge room and watch some TV.
A few weeks later I was asked to careers day at my son's school. My son stood up with me in front of the class and proudly announced his daddy was a policeman and that I lock up baddies. I didn't want to embarass him so I just played along. It turns out I was the one who was about to be embarassed. One of the kids asked if my son had ever seen me at work. My son said no but that he had seen me practicing using handcuffs on his mom. It went right over the kids heads but the teacher was very amused and couldn't stop giggling. I guess my wife and I would have been the hot topic in the staff room that day.
Big deal. I have had a Canon printer for years.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.
Riceless
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
She moved.
.... my God they're cutting into my waist!
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
Due to all the indoor fins
She said, "That's a human right."
I said, "Yes, my boss is a human."
But that remains go be seen.
Doctors are calling it Stalk Home syndrome.
I looked back and I was being followed by a coffin. I sped up and so did the coffin. When I couldn't run anymore I searched my pockets for anything to help. I found a few Hall's mentholyptus that I threw at it!! Coffin stopped.
Because he had no body!
Tomorrow is joke day at school for my kindergartner so I went to tell my daughter a joke to tell. Tells me she already had one and tells me this! Lol proud dad..
I charged for the labor but not the paint. The homeowner said, “why didn’t you charge for the paint?” I said, “don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”
He was playing with tire.
Because they're all still alive!!
People are dying to go there.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Under Quikrete 80 lb hug strength concrete bags, I saw the following under Q&A
Q: How many feet are in a bag?
A: No feet, only concrete.
This sub doesn’t allow images, otherwise I’d post it.
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Something was Amish
Coaster Rica
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
All sales are vinyl.
Lena could not leave them on the side of the road so they scooped the babies up and put them in the car. As they drove the baby skunks managed to make their way from the floor up Lena's dress and settled on her lap. Lena looked at Ole and said "the skunks are under my dress". Ole said "Zat's OK dear zey are settled down". Lena said "Vhat about the smell?". Ole said, "Oh, don't worry dear they will get used to it!"
We haven't heard from him since
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
I betcha that will come back to bite me
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
