True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What animal can fix anything?

A yak of all trades.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phillydog1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Last Halloween a girl dressed as the grim reaper came to my door with messy hair and asked me politely to fix it.

That night, I had a brush with death.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MeWhenThe-ItsWhen
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
How many IT guys does it take to fix a lightbulb?

One. But he just turns it off and on again.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Charger_3000
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I had a mechanic fix up my lunch

but he didn't know how to tuna salad

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Newlife1025
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
How does a locksmith fix a lock?

Key-P-R

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/medic_228
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Despite being an electrical engineer, my son couldn't fix the circuit

So I grounded him

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SnooRobots3440
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you fix broken tomatoes?

Tomato paste.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fourchimney
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the vegetarian use to fix his flat tire?

I don't know, asparagus?

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NecroUknown
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
How many cats does it take to fix a table?

Cats can't fix tables, but it takes one table to fix a cat.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pokebandit91
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you fix BeyoncΓ©'s private plane

Put a wing on it

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FranticFridge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
How does a farmer fix a flat tire?

With a Cabbage Patch

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
John fix
πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch! πŸŽƒ

πŸ‘︎ 183
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shadynasty94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm here to fix your computer! reddit.com/gallery/ikq98t
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SunHasReturned
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How many lightbulbs does it take to fix a lightbulb?

doesn't matter, they can't fix it either way because they're not bright enough.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EggToastLover
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My belt broke, so I used my watch strap to fix it.

They fell down anyway. What a waist of time.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house

He refused

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a tuba glue.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thirteen_20
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fix a broken gorilla?

With a monkey wrench

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Which card in a deck can fix your dog?

The King of Spade.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Funny-Promise956
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How long does it take to fix a hearing aid?

I submitted mine for repairs three weeks ago and I haven't heard a thing since then.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Valdagast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?

The retail shop

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/foxtailavenger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
If any of you know how to fix broken hinges

My door is always open

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MissouriFred
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants

it was very grounding

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Queen-of-meme
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone fix the news...

It’s always breaking.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fix a municipality with lies?

With a mend-a-city program :)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrCalifornian
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I need someone who can help me fix my bike

It won’t stand up on its own anymore

It’s two tired

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onemangang15
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I was hired to fix tires at the bike shop, but I'd rather be their media guy.

I guess I'm more of a spokesman.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
And I will try to Fix You... [OC]
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wagespages
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What should you use to fix your mask if it breaks?

Masking tape

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aelbaum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m taking steps to fix it
πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Peepo7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Net fix and chill imgur.com/q3wWcDu
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/digdilem
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Tequila wont fix your life..

..But its definitely worth a shot.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Onli-Wan-Kenoli
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
An amateur messed up making cheese. He had no whey to fix it.
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coffinedude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?

The rest of your life.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-mr-_-robot-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.

The monk replied "religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 925
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CJFates
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?

A pumpkin patch

πŸ‘︎ 126
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JDangerboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fix a broken pizza?

With tomato paste.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joey_the_Duck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house.

He Refused

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dtactic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If any of you know how to fix broken hinges

My door is always open

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/apapipay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fix a broken jack-o’-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MangoAway17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fix a broken tuba?

With a tuba glue

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chipsnotfries
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fix a pumpkin?

Pumpkin patch

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fix broken tomatoes?

Tomato paste.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fourchimney
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fix a broken gorilla?

With a monkey wrench.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beardwithablog
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?

You use a pumpkin patch.

πŸ‘︎ 694
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report

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