Everything is treble
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DefNotInTheOven
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
A very patriotic friend who I thought loved everything American just told me he preferred Eurpoean spellings

He's finally shown me his true colours.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retrohero5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My horse is so negative about everything

He’s your classic Neigh-sayer.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Justlikeyourmoma
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a puppy that gets into everything?

Snoop Dogg

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nope666999
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a strip club where everything is upside down?

Stranger Thongs

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you give the girl who’s got everything?

Antibiotics.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hogans_Dinner
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.

She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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I survived a fire, and lost everything

At least I'm smoking hot, now.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shay9999
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
this year, i have decided to type everything in lower case letters.

i have stopped giving a shift.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
They said everything would change after my vasectomy

I really didn’t notice a vas deferens

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/axolitl-nicerpls
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What manufacturing plant produces everything?

The olfactory.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PygmeePony
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I really need to stop looking at the internet today. Everything seems to be an April Fool's gag.

Just kidding :)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Syldon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Everything in existence is either a potato or not a potato
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtOfPuns
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My x wife hated the way I organized everything

Hopefully my y wife won’t be my last.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dumbstupidhuman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I hate working for what I want. Capitalism has ruined everything. Every time I dip my pen in the company ink, nine months later my wife hires a new employee.

I need a Plan B.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/godkingmaker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
*calls mum * son : I'm in hospital but don't worry everything is fine

Mum : you're the daym doctor and this wasn't funny the first time

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DJonesy007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Matthew McConaughey say when everything fell out of his Reuben?

All rye, all rye, all rye

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FermentToBee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...

I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.

My kid came up to me and says β€œoh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.

I looked at my kid and said β€œI don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”

πŸ‘︎ 147
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruum-502
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I've decided to start storing everything in the Cloud, and it's a lot easier than you'd think

Although I'm still not sure how exactly I'm supposed to get anything back down... I guess I'll just have to wait until the balloons pop to use my TV again.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartansATTACK
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.

Guess that's my New Year's Resolution

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AqViolet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Mate was feeling down so I told him there's a positive and negative to everything, you just gotta find it...

Poor fella can't even put batteries in right....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaccyBuegs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

A comma.

A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Magician: Hello, I can make everything disappear

Tom: Make my tea disappear Magician: Okay I will Om: Youβ€˜re not a good magician, my teaβ€˜s still here.

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeje17j
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol....

He doesn’t drink, it's just that he's really bad at crossword puzzles...

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
One of my friends told me he was opening a clothing store that sold everything except for hats.

I thought he was pulling my leg, but when I asked him, he told me "Yeah man it's true, no cap."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MostWheatyOne
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Help! Everything looks pixelated all the sudden.

I think I set my New-Year's Resolution too low

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ammonwk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Biracial people prove that not everything is black and white.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SonoHannabira
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie,” he says, β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Every Friday for dinner, I make everything deep fried

I call it Deep Fry-day

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baby-Penewine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How can Jedis swing so lightly with a lightsaber and still cut through everything so easily.

They swing with alot of Force.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notathrowaway2937
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
His caREAR is everything to him
πŸ‘︎ 394
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs1104666
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My New Year’s Resolution this year is to stop second guessing everything.

Wait, is that even a good enough resolution? Idk

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salvedavus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
When everything is coming your way...

....you're in the wrong lane.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was about to ask me 1 million questions about everything.

I said " Chucky Cheese"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: When will you stop procrastinating everything?

Re: Oh, just you wait...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Autistic_Spoon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything

Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?

Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes

Wife: Who makes those rules?

Me: The Dad Poet Society

Wife: groan

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scotland42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Just came home to find all my doors and windows open, everything's gone!

Who would do that to another person's Advent Calendar?!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flabbergash
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be so confused about everything but now I'm not sure.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhjbts
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...

Is not my strong suit.

πŸ‘︎ 249
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πŸ‘€︎ u/walkingnottoofast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a German who is mad at everything ?

A Sour-Kraut (Sauerkraut)

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DJBlue18
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
If Dwayne Johnson had downstairs neighbors, they would be clueless about just about everything.

You would be too if you lived under a Rock.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
This has been a crazy year. After everything that has happened though do you want to know the one thing that I can’t get over ?

An 8 foot wall.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Everything at the AA meeting was going fine

Until Jesus went to go get a glass of water

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoodie1240
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Everything was fine until I got a universal remote

It changed everything

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night my son saw a mouse in the kitchen so he wiped down all the counters and cleaned everything...

Tonight I'm putting the mouse in the bathroom.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/multiplefroggs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
In Past, I used to be so confused about everything

but now, I'm not so sure

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhjbts
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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