A very patriotic friend who I thought loved everything American just told me he preferred Eurpoean spellings
He's finally shown me his true colours.
My horse is so negative about everything
He’s your classic Neigh-sayer.
What do you call a puppy that gets into everything?
What do you call a strip club where everything is upside down?
What do you give the girl who’s got everything?
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
I survived a fire, and lost everything
At least I'm smoking hot, now.
this year, i have decided to type everything in lower case letters.
i have stopped giving a shift.
They said everything would change after my vasectomy
I really didn’t notice a vas deferens
What manufacturing plant produces everything?
I really need to stop looking at the internet today. Everything seems to be an April Fool's gag.
Everything in existence is either a potato or not a potato
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
My x wife hated the way I organized everything
Hopefully my y wife won’t be my last.
I hate working for what I want. Capitalism has ruined everything. Every time I dip my pen in the company ink, nine months later my wife hires a new employee.
*calls mum * son : I'm in hospital but don't worry everything is fine
Mum : you're the daym doctor and this wasn't funny the first time
What did Matthew McConaughey say when everything fell out of his Reuben?
All rye, all rye, all rye
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says “oh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said “I don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”
I've decided to start storing everything in the Cloud, and it's a lot easier than you'd think
Although I'm still not sure how exactly I'm supposed to get anything back down... I guess I'll just have to wait until the balloons pop to use my TV again.
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.
Guess that's my New Year's Resolution
Mate was feeling down so I told him there's a positive and negative to everything, you just gotta find it...
Poor fella can't even put batteries in right....
What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
Magician: Hello, I can make everything disappear
Tom: Make my tea disappear
Magician: Okay I will
Om: You‘re not a good magician, my tea‘s still here.
My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol....
He doesn’t drink, it's just that he's really bad at crossword puzzles...
Help! Everything looks pixelated all the sudden.
I think I set my New-Year's Resolution too low
One of my friends told me he was opening a clothing store that sold everything except for hats.
I thought he was pulling my leg, but when I asked him, he told me "Yeah man it's true, no cap."
Biracial people prove that not everything is black and white.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Every Friday for dinner, I make everything deep fried
How can Jedis swing so lightly with a lightsaber and still cut through everything so easily.
They swing with alot of Force.
His caREAR is everything to him
My New Year’s Resolution this year is to stop second guessing everything.
Wait, is that even a good enough resolution? Idk
When everything is coming your way...
....you're in the wrong lane.
My son was about to ask me 1 million questions about everything.
Wife: When will you stop procrastinating everything?
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: groan
Just came home to find all my doors and windows open, everything's gone!
Who would do that to another person's Advent Calendar?!
I used to be so confused about everything but now I'm not sure.
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...
What do you call a German who is mad at everything ?
A Sour-Kraut (Sauerkraut)
If Dwayne Johnson had downstairs neighbors, they would be clueless about just about everything.
You would be too if you lived under a Rock.
This has been a crazy year. After everything that has happened though do you want to know the one thing that I can’t get over ?
Everything at the AA meeting was going fine
Until Jesus went to go get a glass of water
Everything was fine until I got a universal remote
Last night my son saw a mouse in the kitchen so he wiped down all the counters and cleaned everything...
Tonight I'm putting the mouse in the bathroom.
In Past, I used to be so confused about everything
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