DWARF Puns

I was playing DA:O, working on getting Orzammar to help me against the blight, when I found myself in the Shaperate. I entered their hallowed archive and remarked to my girlfriend sitting nearby...

"I remember this place being much bigger. There's no way that all of dwarven history could be documented in a place this small."

To which she replied:

"Dwarves can fit a lot of information into a small space. Afterall, they write in shorthand."

(cue groans)

Name: Seabeard

Occupation: Barbarian and Pirate

Hair Color: Teal

Eye Color: Golden

Skin Tone: Rather Tan

Notable Features: I imagine him with shaved hair or perhaps a mohawk, with tattoos similar to a Warhammer Berserker, but with the hair and beard being teal instead of orange. His beard is absolutely gigantic, dwarfing (pun intended) the rest of him. More notably, his beard is home to all manner of (small) aquatic life. Through a forgotten magick or quirk of evolution, sea life have no trouble navigating and surviving the depths of his beard. A casual onlooker would easily notice barnacles, perhaps an urchin or starfish, while a more careful onlooker may spot a pufferfish or seahorse peeking out, a school of clownfish, or the shadow of a beardacuda lurking in the depths.

Character's Race: Aquatic Dwarf

Character's Equipment: Seabeard wears only pants, and is modestly armed by dwarven standards, carrying only a pike, two handaxes, and four javelins, which may be strapped on via some sort of harness. There may be a small cask of ale strapped to his belt, but it may well not be visible under his beard.

Reference image: https://i.imgur.com/ljneAHO.jpg is the closest I can find, though the beard is the wrong color and far too small, and the weaponry would need swapped out.

Thanks for your consideration!

Hi folks. I'm playing in a campaign that's starting tomorrow night. My character is a Dwarf fighter who specializes in crossbows, and by background is an inventor/engineer run off to pursue mercenary work. My question starts from this point.

I will be designing things to use in conjunction with my heavy crossbow. For instance, at level 11 fighters get three attacks per attack action. With an action surge this means 6 attacks in a round which lasts 6 seconds. I intend to make sketches of an apparatus that acts as a winch system and repeating clip of sorts to make this make sense. If you've ever seen anyone use a windlass or other heavy crossbow it takes some time.

As such I'd like to actually make these sketches and have them to show my DM, and know what I'm sketching on in game. My first instinct is that a Dwarf would sketch with chalk on slate, but wanting to keep these sketches he'd carry a lot of slate which wouldn't be practical. What would a Dwarf draw on? Vellum? Plain old paper or papyrus?

The setting is vaguely Mediterranean but there are Dwarf holds and plenty of technology including basic, yet uncommon, firearms, and Warforged which developed within the last 50 years. Would this mean modern papers would be available at this technology level?

I'm fairly certain my DM won't care what I'm sketching on, not something he'd worry about, just tell me do whatever. However, I want to try to be accurate to my character. I'm coming up short. (There's my Dwarf pun for this post)

Malazan: Book of the fallen by Steven Erikson.

http://malazan.wikia.com/wiki/Malazan_Wiki

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malazan_Book_of_the_Fallen

https://www.reddit.com/r/Malazan/

Ppl keep wanting a lotr tw, but i've never really understood why? it's pretty empy world imho. it was first, but it's certainly not the best fantasy world out there. It's the same with Game of Thrones( much better choice but still)

So here is my case for a Total war: book of the fallen

Unlike LotR with it's focus on single chr development or GoT court intrigue and agent focus, the malazan seting is all about massive wars

http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/malazan/images/e/e0/Malazan_World_Map_by_D%27rek.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20141221120212

the advancement of magic means technological development has stalled at pike/magic instead of pike/shoot but the tactics are the same

you have multiple human faction, ranging from the 2'nd most technologically advanced Malazan Empire with granades/landmine munitions bent on world conquest to the super elite Crimson Guard, an army of max lvl aspiring champions with regen spread all over the world with a lost home land.

The are Undead Imass a race that preceded Man but gave up their mortality to pursue eternal war on the Jaghut a ppl that mostly just want to be left alone unless the go insane and enslave nations but whom also went to war against death and almost won

there is a 3way split of elven factions locked in a war that has lasted eons. There's even ancient hivemind reptilian races locked in civil war and fallen giants ready to reclaim the world while alchemy mad insects build bombs in preparation

in short the diversity of factions, dwarfs(pun?) that of even the Warhammer world that has it as a core feature.

http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/malazan/images/4/4b/Gardens_of_the_Moon_New-0.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20150616203058

The way the world is build up also make it perfect to follow tw:warhammers model of extra games gives a bigger map^see map with each continent having fleshed out factions with both continent and world spanning involvement.

there is even multiple legendary events that would make amazing short campaigns from the Chain of Dogs where you have to survive a continent wide uprising and get your small elite army to the other end of a desert continent with 50k refugees in tow to the return of the Crimson Guard where the guard finally gather it's might and try to reclaim the lost homelands.

[Grid Concept: Mahaz Dur, Dwarven Fortress]

Size: 1 square for itself, and within an area of influence of at least 6 squares.

Climate: no preference. Area must be a mountain range of multiple squares.

[Description]

The Dwarves of Mahaz Daii are a proud race. But that can be said of all dwarves. These dwarves, they would argue themselves, have reason to be proud. Generations of fierce men and women not only built the impressive Dwarven Fortress, but also the Hollow Keep inside the mountain. The Keep is a structure dug out of the living ancient rock. It is so huge and impressive, that it would dwarf, pun not quite intented but grudgingly allowed, the already substantial outer fortress.

The Fortress itself stands right above the tree line, facing outward to the surrounding lands. It showcases a wild variety of rock, stone and gems found inside the mountains, and imported (through tunnels?) from who knows how far a way. It measures 500 meters wide, and the the outer towers reach almost a kilometer high, to rival the mountain peaks themselves.

At the places where a visitor less familiar with dwarves might expect arrowslits for archers, tubes of a pitch-black alloy extend outwards for upto seven meters. Whenever an approaching foe would come too near (or rather: when a foe was still rather far a way, but the dwarves were just eager to use the pipes again), ancient machinery starts pumping lava from the deepest center of the mountain, to drop it on the oncoming enemy.

[Impact from The Mixup]

Still in the mountains, and their Fortress and much of the Hollow Keep is left intact. Most of their mineshafts no longer lead anywhere. They just end abruptly at the square border. A short moment of utter confusion is quickly replaced by the glorious sense of opportunity, and the instinctive joy of 'whole-lotta-diggin-to-do'.

[Projected history] Dwarves will be dwarves. These little guys will further hollow out the mountains for many kms around them, expanding their little empire.

[Potential impact on neighbouring grids] Basically, a number of neighbouring squares will have to be part of this mountain range. I'd love for them to be occupied by fellow Gridditors, but they'll have to accept a race of very industrious Dwarves digging through their mountains. In our shared projected history, they're bound to one day break the surface and make contact. At which point the Dwarves may not be the first to raise their axe, but they'll defini

Condensed milk!

To sum it up, there’s a small medium at large.

short

So we all know how dwarf women can have beards, yes? Well, a fellow player in one of my games, Ben is his fake name, demands that all dwarf women have beards.

Not as much of a horror story at first glance, however, during a session one Friday evening, our party rescues a dwarven mining scouting unit from a gnoll ambush. One of these dwarves was female, and she did not have a beard. The DM gives us a brief description of each of the dwarves, describing the female dwarf last. After the female dwarf’s description has been given, Ben asks the question “What does her beard look like?”

The DM responds: “she doesn’t have a beard”

Ben: “why doesn’t she have a beard? You know female dwarves grow beards, right?”

DM: “yes I know they can, and often do, have beards, however, this one in particular does not.”

Ben: “why?! Why doesn’t she just grow one?”

DM confused as to why Ben is suddenly aggressive: “calm down. It’s not a big deal that she doesn’t have a beard.”

Ben: (exact words) “Yes it is! Dwarf women should be allowed to have beards!! Why are you being so misogynistic?! I don’t want any sexism at my table!”

It was not his table, we were playing at the DM’s house

DM: “bro calm down. Nobody said that dwarf women can’t have beards... in fact you have literally met a female dwarf NPC with a beard! Also it’s not your table. I am the one DMing in my house!”

Ben: “you are literally discriminating against women! I thought you said that this would be an LGBTQ+ friendly game!!!”

Ben is not LGBTQ+, nor has he ever expressed any interest in the movement

Other player(girl): “Dude, you’re being an ass. Stop.”

Ben: “You should be on my side! You’re a girl!”

Me: “Bro, fucking chill! None of this is necessary! It’s probably an unimportant NPC anyway.”

Ben: “whatever, you’re all bigots anyway!” leaves

Everyone: pikachu shocked meme

Yes this is real. It felt as ridiculous then as it does now retelling it. Only got reminded of this story because I saw an art post with a female dwarf with no beard.this happened maybe a month ago.

He wasn't happy.

So without telling any of my friends I play with, I installed a soundboard.

And put the Mactera Grabber screech on it.

Edit: I responded to a few comments but I'll put the method here. I use Resanance Soundboard and got the sounds from the wiki. Please start your soundboard at like 3% volume as they are by default crazy loud.

There's a small medium at large.

Furthermore, would it be considered an evil action to eat a monstrous humanoid's corpse?

These questions came up at my table and we couldn't agree on an answer.

The Dwarf Planet Ceres, usually used to just chilling in the asteroid belt, has been knocked onto a perfect trajectory for planet Earth! The Dwarf Planet will collide with the Earth in exactly 10 years. The trajectory of Ceres is perfect so that it will hit the Earth dead center on the equator/prime meridian crossover.

Can humanity survive the largest Dwarf Planet in the solar system *(in the asteroid belt, it's not the largest Dwarf Planet in the solar system! Sorry!) coming flying at us? Can humanity avoid the collision, or if not, can they survive the impact? The fallout?

• Round 1: Human scientists find out that this happened tomorrow. No one questions the data and it's confirmed by every kid with a telescope worldwide.

• Round 2: Humanity discovers it as quickly as real world humanity would. I don't know what sort of tabs are kept on Ceres's location and how long it would take to notice it flying straight at Earth.