I just read a long article comparing the different versions of the Bible.

There was a lot of cross referencing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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I compared my girlfriend to boiled pasta the other day.

It's really strained our relationship.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ev1rw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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My English is good. But after learning about comparatives,

it is getting better.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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Buckets are pathetic compared to bathtubs

In fact they pail in comparison

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisvskris
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Two lawyers were comparing clients.

The first one claims his client is trapped in a penny. Answering the second lawyer's confused look, he says, "My client is in a cent."

the second lawyer nods, then says, "Well. My client is a fish head steeped in hot water. You could say he's gill tea."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ICWhatsNUrP
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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My wife often compares me to Idris Elba.

She says: "You're nothing like Idris Elba"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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I need help solving a pun/riddle.

Context: I'm in a DnD campaign, for fifth edition.

So basically, one of my characters told a horrible pun to a planetar (Massive angel-like being) over Sending (A spell letting you communicate over long distances). "Whaddya call a celestial who likes to fish? An angel-er." and then he got asked to put his journal in the box that suddenly appeared behind hm, He complied, and when he got it back his name was gone from the first page of the book, and there was a golden box, that read "Tell me what I've pun, wizard" So I'm assuming he needs to answer in some sort of pun related to his name, Klaus Hallowmantle.

However, my brain is smoother than... I can't think of anything to compare it to all of a sudden. Oh well. Anyone who can help me with this?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Hipster_Fox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

Β£

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dreizo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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What’s the difference between me and the family dog?

The dogs allowed to walk naked around the house

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imkindaspiffy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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What did the researchers have to do before they could compare the BMIs of inmates to professional bodybuilders?

First, they had to weigh the pros and cons.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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I’m trying to write a paper comparing the different versions of the Bible.

There’s a lot of cross referencing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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My friend is writing a research paper comparing the various versions of the Bible.

Turns out there is a lot of cross referencing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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I was trying to explain Feudalism to someone, comparing it to a democratic system.

In one, it's your vote that counts, in the other: it's the Count that votes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/feathersoft
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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what is the best way to compare Russel Crowe's acting to his singing?

less miserable

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πŸ‘€︎ u/readyff
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Never ask anyone whether they prefer New York City or Syracuse.

That's comparing apples to oranges.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Long-Afternoon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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I mistakenly thought that the comparative form of 'good' was 'gooder'.

I should have known better.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ocbrad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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Kim Jong Un doesn’t like to be compared to his dad

If you ever talk, he’d prefer you don’t speak il of him

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waziot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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I just compared a few currencies and korea won.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gopatrik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
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The thing about comparing apples to oranges is . . .

I find them both appealing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsKilLikeMine
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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I took the kids to a bouncy castle, but it was really expensive compared to last year.

That’s inflation for you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
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"Hey dad, how much longer is the Amazon compared to the Nile?"

By two letters...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
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Why don't comedians like being quarantined?

They can only make inside jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aakshaj
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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There's an amazing Bangladeshi singer who is often compared to BeyoncΓ©

They call her the Bey of Bengal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rektcraft2
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2016
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My Mexican friend failed his reading comprehension test.

His scores were cholo compared to his essays

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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I used Apple Watch to monitor my workout when I was at Orange Theory ...

Basically my overall performance was compared with Apple’s and Orange’s.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hahaha_Joker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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My dad being a dad while playing Cards Against Humanity

SFW: https://imgur.com/Yg6JRDJ

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fatkin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2018
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Tinder was just a piece of wood.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
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I went to the home improvement store to compare prices on new carpet, wood, and tile.

The prices floored me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaunceychaunce
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
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Grocery stores often show the price per ounce to make it easy to compare prices

If you look at the label for pierogies, they instead show the price per ogie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weird_al_yankee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
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Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

Because it ran out of juice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roxas-The-Nobody
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2017
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Aquarium humor needed

I work at an Aquarium. Our sister site is a Zoo, and when we have quarterly meetings for all staff members, they call the meeting State of the Zoonion.

I am really trying to come up with a comparable name for our Aquarium all-staff meeting that features some good Aquarium/fish humor. Help!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smokyburgundy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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Friend dropped this one while talking about the movement of oil in the car when you start it compared to when the engine is hot...

Friend: Yes, it's a viscous cycle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WrightlySo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
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So I know of this mall that uses animal employees...

I was walking along the food court when I saw this one animal that was incredibly overdressed compared to the others. While most where in their uniform, this one was in a red and gold robe, and was strangely being followed by a bunch of Buddhist monks.

I asked one of the customers if it was an Alpaca Packer.

They said no.

It's the Deli Llama.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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My new boss told me that he expects me to be on call 24/7...

but I don't really mind as the 24th of July is ages away

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomt94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
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Mini-golf players have no drive.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D-World
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
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4yo asks: What if I really was an ant?

During dinner, I compared how Son #2 [4yo] was eating his spaghetti to an anteater. This sparked the following conversation.

Son #2: "What if I really was an ant?"

Son #1 [7yo]: "Then you wouldn't really eat very much spaghetti. Ants eat just a little because they're so small."

Me: "Well, did you know it's pretty likely that, eventually, your sister will grow up to be an aunt?"

Daughter [5yo]: "What?"

Me: "Yeah, all it'll take is for one of you boys to have a kid. Then, she'll turn into an aunt."

[Kids look confused. Son #1 has worked out the pun, is rolling eyes.]

Wife: "He's right. We helped do it to Auntie Leah."

[It clicks.]

Daughter: "Oooooh, Daaad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
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I had just bought my first car and decided to take my dad out for a ride...

It was a used and fairly old car, so it was a little smelly...

Dad: So how many horse power does this car have?

Me: About 250, why?

Dad: I think one of them died.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2014
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It's no wonder guns became more the more popular weapon over swords...

...compared to guns, swords just don't cut it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NairodI
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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I just read a long scholarly article that compares the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out there is a lot of Cross referencing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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I just wrote an article trying to compare different versions of The Bible.

There was a lot of Cross referencing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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I recently wrote an article comparing the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out there was a lot of cross referencing.

πŸ‘︎ 178
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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I recently wrote a paper comparing the different versions of the Bible.

There was a lot of cross referencing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Comparing apples and oranges is fruitile.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahhn-ree
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2015
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