Cafeteria Puns

"Oh hi Bill! We were just discussing the promiscuous mating habits of blood-sucking arachnids." Bill abruptly grabs his tray and stands up to leave.

"Sorry guys. I don't discuss poly ticks at work."

...the jerk had me charged; assault with a breadly weapon.

They're both Mess Hauls!

Because just ice is served

Worker 1: Hey, you better watch out, I can't be trusted.

Worker 2: Why's that?

Worker 1: Because I'm desserting everyone!

The Lunch Pad?

I was sitting in the cafeteria for lunch yesterday and chatting with my fellow volunteers when one of them pulls out one of those shaker bottles that people mix up protein powder in. Hers just had water in it, but she hadn't taken out the metal shaker.

Without skipping a beat, the man on my left perks up and says, "Wow, that's some fancy spring water you've got there!"

Cue the groans.

Lady: "How would you like your steak cooked?"

Dad: "That'd be great!"

Lady: "Wanta roll?"

Dad: "No thanks, I'll just walk."

Lady: sigh

Dad: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The calfeteria!

We laughed and we laughed then the bell rang and we all went to the cafeteria

In line at the cafeteria.

Coworker: "is that John Mayer on the radio?"

Me: "I don't know, Mayer may not be."

Right after paying for our food at the cafeteria at work.

Co-worker about the woman working the cash register: "Dude, she just totally checked me out."

Me: "Yea she checked me out too. There goes $4.60."

"You don't know how many seconds are in a year off the top of your head? 12. Jan2 feb2 ....."

"Today and Tomorrow...."

These two got laid on me by the chef at my work cafeteria. The cashier aka crazy Lisa was in stitches making him tell everyone.

I was eating with my girlfriend in the cafeteria, she was rushing me to finish me breakfast.

Her: Go! Finish eating already! Me: Hey stop rushing me! You are not Russian... Her: disappointed stare

So before chem, I went to the cafeteria to get a muffin because they're freshly made when chem starts. The only thing is that the chocolate chips are very melty, so it's easy to get some on your face.

About halfway through the class, my friend whispered to me "Hey." "What?" "You have something on your face." I proceed to wipe my face "A nose."

She's in 2nd grade and every Friday (pizza day) her teachers Dad comes in to volunteer. He stops by her class and has this exchange:

Dad: Hey kids, I brought you all pizza!

Kids cheering: Where is it?

Dad: The cafeteria!

They all groan and walk off to wait in line for lunch, thinking they were going to have a pizza party. They fall for this every week.

Some friends and I were getting lunch at the school cafeteria and one of friends bought a banana. Friend #1 goes "Why did you buy a banana?" Friend #2 chimes in "Because he was too poor to upgrade to an apple." Audible signs were had.

So I work in a cafeteria/catering service for a billion dollar company, I serve executives of said company.. Today we had a very good kale salad which garnered a bunch of compliments.. One lady asked how we made it..

I responded with a "it's a secret, if I told you I'd have to kale you!"

So we were starting CPR training in class and the instructor was telling us where to find an AED on campus. Him: "Now, there is one if the office, one in the cafeteria, and one in the pool" Me: "Well it's not very good to have an AED in the pool." Him: "Why not?" Me: "Well...wont it get wet?"

On Thursdays the cafeteria serves pizza and/or chicken wings. My friend does not purchase lunch from the cafeteria often, but this Thursday he decided to "wing it". Being his friend, I decided (since ordering lunch is such a traumatic experience) to be his "wingman" in case he should be too "chicken" to order himself.

Nurse: "How are you feeling today, George?"

Grandpa George: "Sober."

-later-

Cafeteria worker: "What would you like to drink today?"

Grandpa George: "Whiskey."